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Living with teenagers can sometimes feel like you’re living with a ticking time bomb. You never know when the bomb is going to go off, how big the blast is going to be or what kind of damage your relationship might sustain when the blast is over.
When my kids were deep in the throes of their mood-swinging teen years, it sometimes felt like virtually anything could set them off. I remember wanting to keep the peace, trying so hard and yet, oftentimes, feeling as though I was walking on eggshells. Until, that is, I started to notice a pattern.
When my kids flew off the handle, lost their cool, became antagonistic or put up their fists ready to fight, (figuratively, of course), there was typically a “trigger.”
Once I started to make the connection between their behavior and the triggers that were setting them off and I became more self-aware of my words and actions (and taught my kids to do the same) our house became far calmer and the outbursts stopped.
Chances are, there are far more triggers that can set teens off, but from my own experience as a mom of teens, here are the top 10 that typically send teens into a total tizzy.
10 Triggers That Are Setting Your Teen Off Big Time
Being Criticized
“Why are you so moody all the time?” “You’re so lazy. All you do is hang out in your room and listen to music.” “You could do so much better in school if you actually tried.”
One thing I know about teenagers is that they despise being criticized. They’re nearing adulthood, they’re craving more independence, they want to feel appreciated and valued and when they’re not, they’ll fight back. (In fact, experts agree one of the quickest ways to create a divide between you and your teen is to constantly criticize them.)
Instead, choose your words wisely and avoid criticizing at all costs. As opposed to the questions above, try “You’ve been on edge lately, do you feel like talking about it?” “You’ve been spending a lot of time in your room. How about we grab lunch at your favorite restaurant?” “I know you’ve been struggling in school. What can I do to help?”
Being Nagged
Of all the triggers that are setting your teen off, this could top the list. “You left your dishes in the sink again!” “For the 15th time, did you turn in that paperwork at school?” “Are you listening to me? I’ve been asking you for a week to clean your room!”
Nagging – it’s a nasty habit every parent needs to break today. Not only does it not work, it pushes our teens away. We need to be drawing our teens closer to us and building trust and connection so we can maintain our parental influence. (On a side note, studies have proven that when we nag, parts of our kid’s brains literally shut down, which means when our kids act like they aren’t listening, they actually aren’t.)
Rather than nagging them to do something now, what I’ve found works is simply creating (or buying) a “No-Nag To-Do List” and leaving it where they can find it. (Don’t overcrowd the list with tons of to-dos – that freaks teens out). Just put your top three things on the list and the date you’d like them completed. That way your teen has some latitude when they choose to do it. (You can also add consequences to the list so they know you mean business.)
Being Ignored
Teenagers are notorious for shutting their parents out. Closed doors, one-word answers and shrugs are the norm. But, when they’re ready to talk, (which is typically late at night when we’re dog-tired), they want and need us to drop everything and listen.
When your teen comes to you ready to chat, ready to share news about their day or simply wants to hang out for a bit, drop everything and do it. Put your phone down, make those calls later, fold those clothes tomorrow. Don’t miss a golden opportunity to connect on their terms.
Not Being Taken Seriously Because of Their Age
We may view our kids as young, inexperienced and somewhat naïve, but most teens feel as though they’ve got life figured out. In fact, oftentimes, they’re convinced they know more than we do and that our thoughts and perspectives are nothing short of “old school.”
Even though we know the truth (face it, they still have tons to learn), we have to give them the latitude to figure out a few things on their own, even if it means them failing miserably from time to time.
Teenagers are far more capable than we give them credit. Their perspectives on life, politics and the world as a whole, along with their ability to take on challenges and change this world are often undervalued. The bottom line is, let them be heard, let them try.
Being Forced to Do Something They Don’t Want to Do
Your teen has been planning a night out with friends for weeks. The problem is, they forgot to tell you and you’ve made other plans for the family on the same night. This is likely one of the big triggers that are setting your teen off. Teens like to call the shots when it comes to their schedule. Once we start dictating (or throwing them a curveball), the battle begins.
With my kids, springing something on them they didn’t expect or, worse, dictating their schedule, always set them off. I learned the hard way that communication is key. Either put your plans on a family calendar for the entire family to see or give them plenty of heads up so there aren’t any surprises.
Being Told “No”
As parents, sometimes, we just have to say no. But, what I’ve found with my own kids is that my delivery matters – a lot.
When my 15-year-old daughter wanted to go downtown with her friends on the train (yeah, scary right?) to attend a Saturday night-concert, my answer wasn’t “No,” it was “Hell no.” Rather than looking at her like she lost her marbles and shouting “No way, over my dead body,” I told her “I know you’d love to go and I can see why – it’s going to be a great concert. But, I can’t let you go alone. It’s simply too dangerous. So, if you’d like, Dad or I can take you and sit a few rows behind you and your friends at the concert.”
A flat-out “no” (without explanation) pretty much always sets teenagers off. To avoid a battle, find ways to say yes or soften the blow by offering a rational (heartfelt) explanation.
Feeling Left Out
While we may have little control over this one, when our kids feel left out from the crowd – i.e. your son isn’t invited to a big party on Friday night or your daughter’s girlfriends got together and “forgot” to include her – our kids are bound to take it hard.
Whether they retreat to their rooms with the door shut and drown themselves in their favorite music or start taking it out on us with uncalled for snarky remarks, we oftentimes feel the backlash of their distress.
Rather than fighting fire with fire, throw some cool water on the situation by staying calm, not contributing to the chaos, lowering your voice and, in some instances, just walking away. I’ve found offering them some warm, chocolate chip cookies (what teen can resist?) or their favorite snack works wonders. Also, a “Hey, are you in the mood for ice cream?” or “Want to watch a movie with me?” is a good distraction that takes the focus off their anguish, lets them know you’re there for them and gives them time to calm down.
Being Compared
“Why can’t you be more like your brother, he always listens to me.” “Wow, your friend, Kyle, is an amazing soccer player. He must practice way more than you do.”
Nothing can shake our kid’s confidence more than when we compare them (negatively) to others. They may not verbalize their heartache, they may even act like our direct or indirect comparisons are “no big deal.” But, be under no illusion – those words are hurtful and it is a big deal.
Thanks to social media, our kids are constantly being bombarded with fake perfection. Their every flaw (regardless of how insignificant) is magnified through the haze of synthetic realism. They compare themselves enough; they don’t need us dropping soft innuendos about how others are better or how they simply don’t measure up.
Instead, focus on all their positives. Fill their bucket of self-esteem so high the world can’t drain it. Make them feel empowered, strong, and capable.
When You Chalk Their Emotions Up To Hormones
Sometimes, without even realizing it, we chalk our kid’s emotions up to normal teenage mood-swinging hormones. But, heads up, that’s not always the case. And, our kids need us to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Just because your son walked in the door after school in a horrible mood doesn’t necessarily mean his hormones are out of control. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that he failed a test he studied hard for. When your daughter wakes up in a terrible mood and starts picking a fight, it may not be hormones. Perhaps her girlfriend called her to say a guy she’s crushing on now has a new girlfriend.
In other words, our kids need us to use the “mood-swinging hormones” as a last excuse. They need us to dive a little deeper into their lives. They need us to ask questions, ask if we can help or simply be available to listen without assumptions.
Feeling Inadequate
“I’ll never be good at math.” “There’s no way I’ll make the football team. I’m not nearly as good as the other guys.” “I don’t care how much makeup I buy, I’ll never be as pretty as those other girls.”
Negative self-talk has a powerful and unrelenting way of eroding our kid’s self-worth. And, when that happens, I’ve found our kids often get defensive and combative. That’s why, for instance, when we try to help them with homework that they don’t understand, they have a tendency to become argumentative and confrontational.
Just like we have to build their self-esteem, we have to help them build faith in themselves. They are capable. They can do it. They can overcome this. They will learn this. The more we give them the tools to do it, overcome it, learn it, the more confident and less inadequate they’ll feel, which will only inspire them to do more, to try harder and be the best they can be.
If you think about it, there are likely plenty of triggers that are setting your teen off. Start paying attention. Take note when their emotions flare. You may find a pattern that can help you divert high-emotion issues in the future while creating a calmer home life and a greater connection with your teen.
5 comments
Are you able to supply some tools to help your teen build faith in themselves
Hi there! A while back we posted an article about helping your teen instill confidence in themselves. Perhaps this will offer a few tips!
“6 Powerful Lessons We Need to Teach Our Kids to Instill Confidence.”
https://raisingteenstoday.com/6-powerful-lessons-need-teach-kids-instill-confidence/
Another one that might be good to read is “6 Ways to Help Your Teen Believe in Themselves” https://raisingteenstoday.com/ways-to-help-your-teen-believe-in-themselves/
Amazing read, really helpful tips I will try with my 14 year old thank you.
I am so happy to hear you found these tips helpful! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Wow…. just realised I unknowingly exposed my teen to each and everyone of these triggers over the weekend… so good to have these articles to remind me i have as big a part to play in making our relationship as close as possible and to catch out my own behaviours rather than attribute all the ‘teenage attitude’ to teenage hormones.