This post: 8 Proven Tips to Soften Mother-Daughter Conflict
The mother-daughter connection is the most complicated of all. You argue. You make up. You laugh. You cry.
But through it all you forget, you forgive and you love unconditionally. In spite of what you’ve been through and perhaps because of the storm you’ve weathered together, your love grows stronger and steadfast. It is a bond that can never be broken.
As a mom who has weathered the storm of the teen years with both my girls, I feel no truer words have ever been spoken. The mother-daughter relationship is the most complicated of all. Yet, it’s also the most amazing and steadfast and forgiving.
But, we all know, just getting through the teen years with our daughters can be challenging
When you’re deep in the throes of your daughter’s teen years, life can be rocky. While some moms and daughters sail through with only a few mere hiccups, the vast majority face plenty of combative conflicts and some endure more than a few heated, head-to-head battles. Either way, it’s never easy.
When my daughters and I butted heads, I tried everything (literally, everything) to smooth out the edges of our relationship so I could build a strong and meaningful bond with them.
Some things I tried worked, other things I tried failed miserably. Through it all, I learned. I learned what my daughters needed and what our relationship needed to survive (and thrive) the tumultuous waters of teenagehood.
Here are 8 tips that actually worked to avoid mother-daughter conflict with my girls and help us bridge the mother-daughter divide.
8 Proven Tips that Soften Mother-Daughter Conflict
Listen Way More Than You Lecture
It’s so tempting. The minute your daughter wakes up in the morning or walks in the door after school you start reminding her about the family gathering next week, lecturing her about how she promised she’d clean her room and it’s still a disaster and how she, once again, left wet towels on the bathroom floor.
But heads up, if every interaction with your daughter involves lecturing, constant reminders or, worse, nagging, what’s your daughter’s incentive to talk to you?
Communication between you and your daughter needs a drastic overhaul now that’s she’s a teenager. She’s growing up and becoming independent. She doesn’t want to feel quite so “managed” the way she did when she was younger and she’s not interested in having you fix her problems or you offering her mounds of parental advice. She merely wants you to listen. Give her the opportunity to feel truly heard. (Once she feels she can talk to you and be heard, you might be surprised to find she actually starts picking up those wet towels on the floor.)
Put Yourself in Her Shoes
Teenage girls can be fickle. One minute they’re smiling and life is good, the next they’re blaming us for ruining their life. And, for the most part, they simply can’t help it. Being a teenager is hard.
To truly understand what’s going on in your daughter’s head and close the chasm that may be keeping you from enjoying a meaningful relationship, you have to put yourself in her shoes. You have to remember what it’s like to be a teenager. You have to step into her world. And, you have to try to understand her daily struggles – even if they seem insignificant and trivial to you – trust me, they matter to her.
Mostly, you have to remember that her body and brain are under major construction. So much of her moodiness, unpredictable behavior and “offishness” are just as confusing to her as they are to you. Take comfort in knowing it will all eventually subside. In the meantime, just hang on for the bumpy ride.
Pick Your Battles
My oldest daughter decided a few years ago that she wanted to get her belly button pierced (I know… painful, right?). Even though I thought they actually looked cute on other girls, I surely didn’t want my daughter to get one. And, that’s where the battle began. After a few weeks of back and forth debate and conflict, I finally came to the conclusion that it simply didn’t matter in the long run.
When you’re a parent of a teenage girl, you have to pick your battles to avoid mother-daughter conflict. Some battles (in fact, I’ve found most battles) aren’t worth fighting. If your daughter decides she wants pink hair, let her. If she wants to paint her room orange, let her. If she wants to wear shorts in the dead of winter, let her.
If it’s not going to matter a year from now, then it isn’t worth fighting over. Your relationship with your daughter is far more important than a silly battle of the wills that won’t do any good for you, your daughter or your relationship. Follow Elsa’s wise words of advice and just “let it go.”
Have Realistic Expectations
No two teenagers are alike. They all deal with hormones, frustrations, academic pressure, fighting for independence and life, in general, differently. What that means is that we can’t compare our kids to anyone else’s kids. We need to have realistic expectations of our own daughter’s teen years.
Frankly, even the most harmonious families have their share of trials and tribulations during the tumultuous teen years. It’s a given that you’ll have at least a few bumps along the way and, that’s okay.
The sooner you recognize and expect that there might be a few hurdles to overcome, the more normal you’ll feel (and the more normal you’ll view your daughter) as she moves through her teen years. Bottom line, cut your daughter and yourself a little slack during this time – you’re both learning, growing, and navigating unchartered territory together.
Don’t Let Her Emotions Get the Best of You
Not every snarky remark deserves a reply. Not every argument needs to be won. Not every fight needs to be fought. Sometimes, the absolute best thing to do is walk away.
Don’t let your daughter’s unpredictable moods, frustrations or attempts to rile you get the best of you. You are the adult in the room. You need to set an example. You need to set the tone. You need to walk away and give her time to calm down without contributing to the conflict or chaos.
You might be surprised how it transforms your relationship with your daughter when you come to the realization that conflict always takes two. And, when you remove yourself from the equation, you’re removing yourself from the conflict and, inevitably, creating more peace between the two of you.
Find a Common Ground
When my girls became teenagers and started having an interest in makeup, we used to have “makeup dates” where we’d hit the store and I’d let them pick out one or two new makeup products to try.
Then, when we returned home, I’d hang out in their bedroom with them while they tried out their new products. Years later, we still have makeup dates.
Whether your daughter is into makeup, art, shopping for deals, sports, binge-watching a particular show on Netflix or any other hobby or interest, jump into her world and find a common ground.
It doesn’t matter what it is, the idea is to narrow the divide between you and your daughter so you have something in common to talk about. Once you find an interest you can share together, you might be surprised how she opens up and actually looks forward to your time together.
Show Up
One of the most undervalued ways to show our kids how much we love them, that we’ll always be here for them and that no matter how offish or moody they are we’ll always be their biggest cheerleader is to just show up.
Show up for her games, her recitals, her tournaments and her performances. Show up on her good days, her bad days and every day in between. Show up when she needs you and even when she doesn’t. Show up when it’s easy. Show up when it’s hard. Show up so she can see you. Show up so she can count on you. Show up so she knows that, no matter what, you’ll always be on the sidelines in life cheering her on.
Love Her Unconditionally
Our love for our daughters isn’t “IF” or “BECAUSE.” Our love is “ANYWAY,” and “EVEN THOUGH,” and “IN SPITE OF.” Love her unconditionally. Love her so powerfully that she never questions your steadfast adoration – even when it’s hard, even when she’s moody, offish or pushes you away, and even when she’s not quite so loveable.
Repeat after me: The teen years are temporary.
Soon enough, the mother-daughter conflict will end and your daughter will emerge on the other side of her teen years a different person and the rough edges of your relationship will be smoothed. Through it all, wrap your heart around the good times, keep the lows in perspective, definitely keep your wits about yourself (truly, without humor, I don’t know what I would have done) and keep loving her. Do it for her so that one day, when you least expect it, she can thank you.