This Post: Before You Lose It: Here’s the Real Reason Your Teen is Acting So Selfish

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

The other night, I drove my daughter to soccer practice after a long day of work, errands, and frantically trying to get everyone fed before we rushed out the door. I was tired, cranky, and, honestly, all I wanted to do was plop myself down on the couch and relax. She got in the car, earbuds in, and barely glanced at me. Halfway to the field, she sighed and said, “Ugh, did you forget to bring my water bottle? I told you to grab it.”

Wait a minute... I’m supposed to remember her water bottle? 

I didn’t say anything right away. I just kept my hands on the wheel, trying to decide if I wanted to totally unleash on my daughter, turn the car around and head home, or cry out of sheer frustration – or maybe all three.

No “Thanks for the ride, Mom,” or “Hey Mom, how was your day?” Just an annoying entitled vibe that the world should revolve around her, and how dare I not meet her every need.

And in that moment, I thought – how did we get here? 

Before You Lose It: Here’s the Real Reason Your Teen is Acting So Selfish

One minute I had a sweet, loving child who wrapped her arms around my neck, told me I was beautiful and said “thank you” ten times a day in the sweetest voice on the planet, and the next I was running a full-service taxi service – open 24/7, no reservation required, no gratitude needed and oh… sarcasm welcome. 

Seriously, I could donate a kidney to my teen, and she’d still ask, “But, did you wash my hoodie though?”

I get it, parents. When you’re in the thick of raising teenagers, it oftentimes feels like your kids have turned into self-absorbed creatures whose every thought centers around their world. Their friends. Their sports and activities. Their homework. Their feelings. Their hunger pangs. Their frustration. Their moods. Their. Their. Their…

First of All… Is This Normal?

Actually… yes. As utterly maddening as it is, it’s completely normal for teenagers to act selfish, and there are real, science-backed reasons why. 

According to well-known author and child psychologist, Dr. Lisa Damour, “Teenagers turn inward during this stage – not out of intentional malice or rudeness, but because their emotional resources are being rerouted toward identity formation. They’re building themselves. And, like any construction zone, it’s messy.”

One study found that although parents are often concerned about their teens’ selfishness, their self-absorbed nature tends to subside as they reach adulthood. So, parents, if you can hang on for the bumpy ride, your teens will eventually become much better at considering others.

5 Reasons Why (Most) Teenagers are Self-Absorbed

Before you lose your ever-loving mind (we’ve all been there a time or two), here are the real reasons your teen is so darn selfish.

1. They’re Busy Building Their Identity

Your teen is smack dab in the middle of figuring out who the heck they are, what they believe, what matters to them, how they fit into this world, and who they want to become.

And, trust me on this one, parents. It’s a full-time job – at least in their mind. They’re intense “all about me” focus can make them appear completely oblivious to the needs of others, but it’s all very normal. They’re not ignoring you on purpose; they’re just absorbed in becoming them. 

2. Their World Feels Like It’s on Fire

It may not seem like a lot to you, parents, but it sure feels like a lot to your teen. School pressure, friendships (and the drama that goes with it), fitting in, comparing themselves to others, self-acceptance, and even their future – it’s A LOT. So often, their problems can feel overwhelming. And when everything in their world feels big to them, they can’t always deal with… well, anyone or anything else. 

3. They’re Testing a Few Boundaries to Gain Independence

Selfish behavior can be part of pulling away. When your teen is craving more independence, it can sometimes look like your teen is pushing you away and/or prioritizing their needs above everyone else’s. It might drive you nuts, but it’s all very normal and predictable behavior. 

4. Their Brain is Still Under Construction

The prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, empathy, and reasoning – won’t be fully developed until your teen is in their mid-20s. That means they’ll be guided more by emotion and immediacy than long-term thinking or perspective. They’re not intentionally being selfish. They’re simply neurologically wired to focus on themselves… at least temporarily.

5. Gratitude is a Skill – Not an Instinct (It Needs to Be Taught)

Think of it this way… your teen (with their towering presence, deep voice, and grownish “I got this” attitude) is still little on the inside. They still need guidance and reminders when it comes to their behavior, manners, and gratitude. And, let’s face it, appreciation doesn’t always come naturally to most teens. It’s something they need to continue to learn by watching, practicing, and being gently reminded (again and again and again). 

The Line Between Normal and Concerning

Not all selfish behavior is cause for concern. Nearly every parent of teens has dealt with occasional ingratitude, moodiness, or “what about me” moments.

But if your teen consistently lacks gratitude and empathy or is manipulating you or others for their own benefit, it might be time to dig a little deeper. You can start by talking to your family doctor and/or pediatrician or reaching out to a child therapist for guidance. 

6 Ways to Help Your Teen Be Less Selfish (and More Grateful)

Still, for most parents, the issue is simply this: How do I raise a more grateful, thoughtful human being without nagging or lecturing them into oblivion?

1. Stop Making Life So Easy for Them

One of the best things you can do for your teen is to stop catering to their every need and put some responsibility on their shoulders. In other words, stop picking up the slack. Don’t do their laundry when they forget. Don’t drop everything and bring their water bottle to school when they leave it home. Don’t smooth out every bump in their life.

They won’t learn to appreciate the work it takes to do laundry, make dinner, run their errands, or clean their room if they’re not required to do it themselves. They’ll begin to understand that effort matters, that other people have needs too, and that the world, in fact, does not revolve around them.

It’s not about being harsh – it’s about helping them become thoughtful, capable, and more aware of the people who love them most. (That’s not to say you can’t jump in and help when life gets overwhelming for your teen.) 

2. Show Them What Empathy, Gratitude, and Gratefulness Look Like

Your teen is watching every move you make. When they see you make dinner for someone who needs it, thank the cashier, help a stranger for no reason at all, or speak kindly about others, they’re absorbing those habits. Talk about your empathy and gratitude out loud. “I’m going to run this dinner over to Mrs. Stevens next door. I know she’s had a tough week,” or “I need to send your coach a thank you note… that was really thoughtful.” 

3. Teach them the Art of a Proper Thank You

In many cases, a simple “thanks” or “thank you” will suffice. But sometimes, we have to acknowledge someone’s efforts to a greater degree. For instance, if a teacher went out of her way to give your child extra help with a concept they were struggling with, it can go a long way to expand on their thank you. 

“Wow, Mrs. Grant, you really helped me a lot! I know I’ll pass the test now… thanks again.” 

It might sound basic, but teaching your teen how to thank someone with heart (not just going through the motions), write thoughtful thank-you notes, send a grateful text, or verbally express sincere appreciation, builds social and emotional muscle. It may not come naturally, but like any habit, it will become more natural to them in time.

4. Let Them Experience What Giving Feels Like

When one of my daughters was deep in the throes of her selfish stage, I encouraged (okay… seriously nudged) her to volunteer to distribute coats to families in need right before winter hit. Families gathered in line for hours just so they could leave with a coat for their child. Something my daughter took for granted. 

When I picked her up after spending four hours helping children try on coats and watching their faces light up when they found one that not only fit but one they actually liked, she realized a few things about her own life.

She poured her heart out on the way home. “Mom, I didn’t realize there were so many kids who might have gone through the winter without a coat. It felt really good to help them.” Sometimes, what our kids need is a reality check. 

5. Celebrate the Wins (No Matter How Small)

If your daughter opens the door for you, thank her. If your son sees you struggling with your computer and offers to help, celebrate it! If one of your kids asks about your day, acknowledge their kindness. Positive reinforcement sticks.

6. Don’t Consider Your Teen’s Selfishness a Poor Parenting Report Card

Heads up, parents, your teens’ self-centeredness isn’t a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of where they are developmentally. Try not to take it all so personally. You haven’t failed as a parent. It’s normal (albeit frustrating) teen behavior.

Instead, turn your teen’s lack of gratitude back on them. “Hey, I cooked you your favorite dinner and ran that errand for you today. A simple thank you would go a long way to make my efforts feel appreciated.” Call them out on it. They might not change right away, but your words will echo with them in time. 

It’s hard not to take it to heart when your teenager is selfish and seems to be taking you for granted. But underneath the eye-rolls and door slams is still your child, still learning and still figuring things out. Their world feels big and so often overwhelming, and their self-focus is a kind of armor while they figure it out.

Keep showing up. Keep modeling the kind of person you hope they’ll become. And when they finally offer that unprompted “Thanks, Mom,” it’ll mean even more because you’ll know how hard-won it was. And yes… they will come back around. 

If you enjoyed reading “Before You Lose It: Here’s the Real Reason Your Teen is Acting So Selfish,”  here are other posts you might enjoy:

Do My Teens Even See Me? The Struggles of Feeling Unappreciated as a Mom