This Post: Why Are So Many Young Adults Going “No Contact” with Their Parents and What You Can Do Now to Prevent It
Written By: Marybeth Bock
Lately, it feels like there’s always something new for parents of teens to worry about. Just when you think you’ve wrapped your head around one thing, another conversation pops up – one that makes you pause and think, Wait… is this something I should be paying attention to?
One of those conversations that’s been surfacing more and more is the idea of young adults going “no contact” with their parents, and for many of us, that hits really close to home.
The mere idea of your child choosing distance down the road can be hard to think about, can’t it, parents? But the good news is, there are meaningful things you can do right now – during your kids’ teen years – to build a connection that lasts, so it’s never a reality you have to face.
What Does “No Contact” Mean?
When a young adult opts for “No Contact” (or estrangement), it means they’ve decided to stop communicating with a parent or other family member. It typically means no calls, texts, or social media interactions, and, in some cases, blocking any type of communication.
While the notion of that sounds truly horrible, it’s becoming more common than you might think, leaving many parents completely blindsided with feelings of confusion, heartbreak, shame, and isolation. In fact, according to The New Yorker, “Approximately 27% of American adults are estranged from a family member, with a significant surge in Millennials and Gen-Z young adults going “no contact” with parents, according to studies from Cornell University and other researchers. This rise is attributed to increased awareness of mental health, focus on “toxic” relationships, and reduced stigma.”
But the decision to go “no contact” is rarely a spur-of-the-moment decision. Oftentimes, it comes after an extended period of feeling hurt, unheard, overwhelmed, or emotionally unsafe. For a lot of young adults, it’s not about punishing their parents – it’s about creating space to protect their mental and emotional well-being.
But here’s the part worth holding onto: Most teens don’t grow up wanting to walk away from their parents. In fact, your teen may never let on, but they need you today, tomorrow, and well into their adult years. The key is to nurture your relationship with your teen so intentionally and tenderly that the idea of creating distance later on never enters their mind.
The Teen Years Matter More Than You Think
The kind of relationship that lasts isn’t built in big, dramatic moments… It’s built over time, in the quiet everyday interactions that may not feel significant in the moment, but shape everything.
In essence, the foundation you’re building with your teen right now will carry directly into their adulthood. One day, they’ll reflect on their childhood and recall how they were spoken to, supported, and understood.
But before you let that thought throw you into a spiral, take a deep breath. This isn’t about being a perfect parent. (Thank goodness because none of us are!) It’s about the tone of your relationship with your teen – how you communicate, manage conflict, and show up emotionally. That’s what matters.
Think of it this way: Your goal isn’t just to raise a responsible teenager, it’s to build a relationship that still feels safe, warm, and worth holding onto when they’re twenty-five, thirty, and beyond.
So, What Can You Do NOW to Build a Strong, Lasting Relationship with Your Teen?
Let’s talk about ten habits that can help keep your connection strong – even when life gets messy, emotions run high, and your teens seem to exist in a completely different universe that you often don’t fully understand.
1. Create Emotional Safety
This is the big one. Your teen needs to know they can come to you about anything and talk openly without being shut down, judged, or lectured.
It’s about making sure they know their voice matters. It’s about holding your tongue and listening… really listening. It’s about staying calm when your first instinct might be to react and being the emotional support they truly need. Because when your teen feels emotionally safe, they won’t feel the need for distance later in their lives.
2. Respect Your Teen’s Growing Independence
Teenagers are biologically wired to start pulling away – it’s part of becoming an adult. If we hold on too tightly, they often pull back harder or rebel. To prevent that from happening, here are a few things you can do to loosen your grip:
- Let them openly have opinions you don’t agree with.
- Give them space to make mistakes and allow them to face the natural consequences.
- Gradually increase their freedom as they show more responsibility.
- Love them for who they currently are, even if it’s not what you expected – they are a work in progress.
Remember that you’re not losing your influence as their parents – you’re changing how it presents itself.
3. Highlight Connection Before Correction
We’ve all been there – our teen messes up, and our first instinct is to dive in and fix it, or, worse, lecture them until they’re bored to tears.
But here’s the thing: Your teen will be far more open to your guidance if they feel understood first. A simple shift from “Why would you do that?!” to “OK, help me understand what happened” can completely change the tone of the conversation. Connection builds trust, and that’s what keeps relationships intact long-term.
4. Learn How to Repair and Apologize
The reality is that every family argues, and every parent gets it wrong sometimes. (Especially when our kids are teens.) What matters most is what happens after a disagreement or blowup.
Get into the habit of saying things like:
- “I’m sorry, I overreacted.”
- “I didn’t handle that well. Let me try again.”
And ask yourself: “Am I trying to win an argument, or build a relationship that lasts?” Sometimes letting go of being “right” in the moment protects something that’s much more important – the deep connection you want to have with your child. It doesn’t weaken our authority when we admit we’re wrong – it actually strengthens the relationship, and teaches our teens that conflict doesn’t equal disconnection.
5. Drop the Guilt and Fear Tactics
It’s tempting in frustrating moments with our teens to say things like, “After everything we’ve done for you…” or “Your behavior is breaking my heart right now.”
But statements like that can feel dramatic and manipulative to our teens – even when that isn’t our intention. Guilt and fear might lead to short-term compliance, but is it worth risking long-term distance from your young adult?
6. Stay Curious About Their World
Our kids live in a hugely different world from what we experienced as teenagers. Their ways of doing things can feel “wrong” and confusing to us. But make the effort to stay curious and engaged, even when you don’t fully understand the appeal of the things they like or spend time doing.
- Ask them about their friends, their favorite shows, favorite games, and what kind of music they like to listen to.
- Encourage them to share what’s really stressing them out, what their goals and passions are, and what makes them feel safe and happy.
We certainly don’t have to relate to everything – we just have to care enough to be interested and engaged in their world.
7. Take Their Feelings Seriously
What might seem like “no big deal” to you can feel huge to your teen. Remember, we have the perspective of time and life experience on our side, and they’re just becoming “baby adults.” (Also, our brains are fully developed and theirs aren’t.) Instead of brushing things off or trying to calm them down with “It’s not a big deal,” try saying:
- “Wow, that sounds really frustrating.”
- “I can see why that upset you so much.”
- “Yeah, that’s kind of scary. I would feel the same way.”
Validating their feelings doesn’t always mean you agree with those feelings or reactions – it simply means you’re listening and supporting them.
8. Watch Your Words
If all your teen hears is correction and criticism, they’re likely to start feeling like they can never get anything right, and that can chip away at their confidence and mental health, and your relationship. Keep your teen close and feeling supported by:
- Noticing and commenting on their efforts.
- Acknowledging their growth, improvement, and wins.
- Reminding them that they DO have what it takes by offering encouragement, especially when they feel they fell short.
These small words and moments of encouragement are the building blocks of your relationship.
9. Have the Hard Conversations
Talk to your teen about the real stuff – like mental health, relationships, mistakes, alcohol and drugs, sex, and peer pressure. Yes, it can be difficult to broach those subjects, but the more open you are with your teen, the more likely they’ll be to come to you, ask questions, and keep those lines of communication open when it matters most.
10. Prioritize Quality Time
Does your teen feel like they’re truly a priority in your life? I know… we’re all busy, and our teens are busy, too. But carving out even just a few minutes a day will help cement a strong bond that will last and ensure they feel valued.
Put your phone away, share meals, hop in the car and head to a drive-thru, laugh together, and get into the habit of a five-minute check-in each night if you haven’t had time to connect during the day. These seemingly insignificant moments quietly say to our teens, “I love spending time with you.”
Before You Worry Too Much About the Future
Remember this: there is so much you can do right now to build a relationship that feels safe, respectful, and worth holding onto.
It won’t be perfect. There might still be eye rolls, slammed doors, and moments when you wonder if you’re getting this parenting gig right. But you ARE, and your teen is watching…
So keep showing up. Keep listening. Keep repairing when things go wrong. And, mostly, keep loving them through it ALL. Because the love, understanding, support, sacrifices, and effort you’re putting forth day in and day out are what they’ll want to hold onto long after they leave home.
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing, as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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