This Post: 10 Things That Are Quietly Killing Your Teen’s Spirit (And They Might Not Have the Words to Tell You)
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
They might not say it out loud. In fact, they probably won’t. But our teens are carrying a lot. And sometimes, it’s not the big blowups or the dramatic disagreements that hurt the most – it’s the little things.
The quiet disappointments. The tone we used when we overreacted. The times we were too distracted, too tired, or too stressed to even notice how much they needed us. These moments might seem small to us. But to our kids, it can slowly chip away at their spirit.
The truth is, (and you may not believe this), but teens are squishy, tender marshmallows on the inside, even if they are masterful at acting all tough on the outside. They need us more than ever, but often don’t have the words to say it.
This list doesn’t aim to toss blame on any parent, but rather to gently remind us all to pay attention. To soften our tone. To listen when your teen needs you to listen. To lean in instead of pulling away. Because even the most independent teen still needs to know they’re valued, accepted, loved, and safe with us – especially on those days when they don’t show it.
10 Things That Are Quietly Killing Your Teen’s Spirit
Here are 10 things that are quietly killing your teen’s spirit, parents. Perhaps this list will remind us all to pay close attention…
1. Constant Criticism (Yep… Even The “Helpful” Kind)
That sarcastic comment, the “I’m just being honest” jab, or the nitpicking over every little thing. What we might consider guidance can chip away at our kids’ confidence over time. They already doubt themselves more than they’re letting on. Focus on being supportive and straight-forward, not critical, and be SURE to steer clear of any comment that attacks their character or who they are.
“You spend so much time gaming. Maybe if you tried studying more and gaming less, your grades would improve.”
“Why are you so messy? I know I didn’t raise you to be such a slob!”
Instead, try saying:
“I noticed your grades have dropped a bit. I’m okay with you gaming AFTER you’ve finished your homework and assignments. If you need help, I’m here. You’re smart and capable, you just have to give it your full attention.”
“Your room is out of control. You must hate having it such a mess. I want you to tidy it up a bit over the weekend… I’ll lend you a hand, if you need it.”
2. Being Compared to Others
Whether it’s an older brother or sister, a close friend, a kid on the field, a relative, or even comparing them to ourselves when we were their age, the one thing teens can’t stand is being compared to others. It sends a message to them that who they are right now is not quite measuring up, and it hurts them far more than we realize.
“I don’t understand why you can’t be more like your brother? He gets such good grades, and he never complains when I ask him to take the trash out.”
“Wow, Joey has put in a lot of effort to improve his game. Why don’t you try doing that?”
3. Correcting Them (Or Putting Them Down) in Front of Others
This is a BIG one, parents. Correcting our kids or, even worse, putting them down in front of others is the equivalent of shining a spotlight on their mistakes.
“Yeah, Nicole isn’t a great student. It’ll be a miracle if she even graduates.” (I had a parent say this to me IN FRONT of their child.)
“Brandon! Do you have to keep interrupting me when I’m talking? Geez! It’s so annoying!”
In those moments, our kids will feel embarrassed, exposed, and like they’re not measuring up, especially if we say things in front of friends or people they look up to. What they need is a safe space to learn and grow, to be themselves as they fumble through the turbulent teen years, and where mistakes don’t define their worth. What they need is for us to correct them quietly and kindly, and support and guide them when they struggle, so we protect their fragile self-esteem and show them that they’re loved, no matter what.
4. Not Creating a Homelife Where They Feel Safe, Valued, and Loved
Home shouldn’t be another place they have to “perform.” They shouldn’t walk in the door not knowing what kind of turmoil they might face today. They shouldn’t have to be “on” at home.
Home should be the one place they can go to be their own wonderful, authentic selves, to be loved exactly as they are, and to be supported no matter what they’re going through. They need to know that they can be their raw, moody, emotional selves without fear of judgment or rejection. (Within reason, of course… we can’t allow ourselves to become our teens’ emotional punching bag.) Mostly, they need to feel loved, cherished, valued and safe within the four walls of their home. It should be their quiet retreat to escape the hype, chaos, and pressure of the world.
5. Not Being Heard
When they’re trying to explain their point or view or how they feel, and we dismiss it, minimize it, or jump straight to solutions, we’re teaching our kids to stop talking. We’re essentially shutting them down little by little.
Their problems (many of them, anyway) don’t need fixing; they just need listening. The more we listen, the more we let them vent, explain, or vent, the more we open the door to future conversations.
6. Never Getting a Break
Is every moment of your teen’s life packed with school, sports, extracurricular activities, a part-time job, or volunteering? Do they feel pressure to succeed? Are they always pushing themselves to the brink of exhaustion to do more?
That pressure-filled schedule is quietly killing your teen’s spirit, drive, and ambition. I’ve seen it time and time again… teens who push and push and push can become completely and utterly burned out. Give your teen a break. Encourage them to take a break. They need breathing room to think and feel, and just be. They need time and space to rest, recharge, and just be kids… even if they are 17, taller than you, and have a five o’clock shadow.
7. Living Under the Weight of Unrealistic Expectations
When they’re trying their best and it still feels like it’s not good enough – they’re not smart enough, athletic enough, popular enough, creative enough, talented enough – it’s exhausting. That quiet voice in their head takes over and starts whispering, “You’re not good enough.” And then one day… they start believing it.
Our teens need to know that our love is never something they have to earn. They need to feel deep in their hearts that our love is steady, no matter what mistakes they’ve made along the way. They need to know that with all their flaws, moods, and messiness, they’re still lovable and cherished. Tell them… “I love you no matter what… even on your worst days.”
8. When We Stop Trying to Connect
I get it, parents… you’ve tried. You’ve asked your teen to hang out. You’ve asked them to run errands with you with a pit stop for food. You’ve asked about their day, popped in their bedroom to check on them and talk, and tried everything to dive into their life. But the more you try, the more you feel like you’re being shut out of their world.
Heads up, keep trying. Don’t give up. What we have to remember is that we can’t give up on our kids or walk away from our responsibilities as a parent, simply because it’s hard, inconvenient, exhausting or frustrating. Our kids are just that… kids.
They need our guidance.
They need help figuring some things out.
And, most importantly, they need to feel our love.
Regardless of how difficult it is, we have to rise to the occasion and step up to the challenge. We have to remind ourselves (over and over again) of the importance of our role as parents and fight to arm our kids with the love, confidence, insight, and experience to manage life on their own. And, when it gets hard – even if it gets really hard – we can’t give up.
9. Feeling Like Their Emotions are Just “Too Much”
“He’s in one of his moods again… steer clear!”
“Why are you so moody all the time!? It’s exhausting!”
Here’s the truth: while it might seem like you’re teenager is being intentionally difficult, they’re not plotting against you. Their behavior isn’t premeditated – it’s just part of being a teenager (and all the changes happening with their bodies) and figuring themselves out, and that messy process often spills out onto the people closest to them. That means YOU.
10. When We Forget How Important Physical Affection Is
Don’t let your teen fool you. Physical touch is far more important than we realize, especially when they get older and pull away. Even the most fickle, moody teen loves an occasional warm hug, a hand on the shoulder, a high five, or a playful nudge on the couch. These small, seemingly insignificant gestures send a powerful message: you’re loved, and I love being with you.
Plus, their nervous system craves the grounding comfort of your touch. A simple touch can calm their stress, build trust, and remind them that you’re there when the world gets chaotic and overwhelming.
Hang in there, parents.
It’s hard. It’s messy. And none of us are perfect. But showing up with tenderness, patience, and a willingness to try again can go a long way. Even on the days they don’t show it, they’re still listening. Still learning. And still hoping we’ll keep loving them through it all.
If you enjoyed reading “10 Things That Are Quietly Killing Your Teen’s Spirit,” here are a few other posts you might like!
Here’s Why You Should Fight to Build a Relationship With Your Teen
EVERY Teen is Capable of Making an Epic Mistake – We Need to Remember That, Parents