This Post: HELP! I’m My Teen’s Emotional Punching Bag

Co-Written By: Marybeth Bock & Nancy Reynolds

It was one of those days…

My daughter walked in the door after school in one of her salty moods. I could instantly tell by the way she threw her backpack down in the hallway, yanked open the pantry door, and groaned, “OMG!! There’s nothing to eat in this house! I told you we needed snacks!” Then, as she stomped to her bedroom, she yelled (loud enough for the neighbors to hear), “Thanks for ruining my day!” followed by the slamming of her bedroom door.

OUCH!

What happened in school today that made her snap and feel like she had the right to take ALL of life’s frustrations out on me? And, why am I left with the feeling that I must have done something wrong for her to be so frustrated and angry with me? 

Why, oh why, do our teens use us as their emotional punching bags? 

Help! I’m My Teen’s Emotional Punching Bag: 10 Ways to Nip It In the Bud

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If your teen hasn’t hit this annoying and perplexing stage yet, you might want to brace yourself. Of course, not every teen goes through the “I’m gonna take everything out on my parents because I CAN,” phase, but many do!

I’m not going to sugarcoat this, parents. When you become your teen’s emotional punching bag, it can be brutal. In fact, you might fantasize about shipping your teen off to live with a distant relative for a year and you might even find yourself fighting back tears, at times. 

But here’s the thing…

Our kids’ teen years are marked by significant physical, emotional, and psychological development. While we can easily see their physical changes, including how they seemed to grow an inch taller overnight or, if you’re raising a boy, how he woke up on a random Tuesday morning and his voice suddenly sounded deeper, it’s the invisible changes that throw us for a loop. 

During this time of their development, teens feel intense emotions (primarily due to their developing brains and unpredictable shifting hormones) which, quite often, are directed at the people they feel safest with. That means YOU. And, while you shouldn’t use their developing brain and body as an excuse for their disrespectful behavior, you should try to cut them a little slack and understand that so often, they can’t help it. So often, their behavior confuses them just as much as it confuses us!

6 Reasons Why You Are Your Teen’s Emotional Punching Bag

Diving into the underlying reason(s) why your teen might use you as their emotional punching bag can help you better understand their unpredictable outbursts, take it far less personally, and handle their sharp-tongued words with, hopefully, a tad more patience and grace. 

#1 You’re Their Safe Zone

Your teen bottles up their emotions all day long. Despite what life throws at them, they hold it together UNTIL they get home. Whether they got into a fight with a friend, had a crummy day on the field, have a ton of homework, bombed a test, or didn’t make the team, they need to spill out all that pent-up emotion somewhere, and, oftentimes, it’s right in your lap. Why? Because you are your teen’s emotional safety net. And, that makes you the primary target of unfiltered emotional flare-ups. 

According to the Child Mind Institute, teens are far more likely to show their worst side at home because it’s where they feel the most secure. Research also shows that kids often act out with the parent they have the strongest emotional bond with, primarily because they know that, no matter what, they can count on their unwavering love. 

#2 A Still Developing Brain and Hormones That Are Running the Show

I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s worth mentioning again – your teen’s brain is under massive construction. Think about the typical construction site – it’s noisy, dirty, dusty, and chaotic. That’s how it feels inside your teen’s brain.

The pre-frontal cortex (responsible for decision-making, emotional regulation, and impulse control) won’t be fully developed until your teen is around 25. Meanwhile, the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) is running the show. That imbalance makes it harder for them to control their emotions – even (and perhaps especially) with people they love. Your teen’s over-the-top emotions and reactions are completely normal and not directed at you. 

#3 Emotional Censoring Around Friends

Research shows that teens will suppress their emotions around their friends to try to manage their reputation and “cool factor.” In other words, they don’t dare “lose it” at school, at practice, or when hanging out with friends, because they want to be seen as chill or unbothered by life’s annoyances and disappointments. Their position in the social hierarchy is extremely important to them, and they rarely want to risk losing their place or appearing “uncool” in the group by freaking out over something. 

#4 They Have No Idea How to Process or Manage Stress… Yet

You know that major overhaul going on in your teen’s brain and body? Well, it’s also making them feel things in a much bigger way so while something might seem like “no big deal to you,” it could be a huge deal to your teen. (Keep that in mind the next time your teen overreacts because you said you’d wash their favorite hoodie and you forgot.) 

According to a 2023 Pew Research study, 61% of teens feel pressure to get good grades, and many feel pressure to fit in socially. When all that pressure builds up, home is where the dam breaks. Yet, they don’t have the tools (quite yet) to manage that stress in healthy ways so it comes out as sassy sarcasm directed at you.

#5 They’re Exhausted (Physically and/or Emotionally)

Between school, extracurriculars, social stress, and lack of sleep (most teens don’t get the 8–10 hours they need), exhaustion makes everything feel harder. That’s when irritability skyrockets and you’re often the one who gets the brunt of it.

#6 They’re Testing You AND Pushing for More Autonomy

Part of being a teenager is pushing back, learning how to stand on your two feet, and tugging (sometimes, it’s actually a downright tug-of-war) for more independence. It might not always be pretty when they assert their independence, but if you look beyond the behavior and understand that this is ALL normal and a natural part of their drawn-out and bumpy journey toward independence, it’s a lot easier to handle. 

They don’t wake up and say to themselves, “Hmm… let’s see if I can push my mom and dad to the brink of insanity today!” Rather, it’s an unconscious push for independence. (They don’t want to be living at home when they’re 30.)

But, even if we understand the why of what they are doing, it still sucks to be your teen’s emotional punching bag.

Here are a few strategies to handle it and avoid the temptation to emotionally punch back when you’re hurt.

•  Dive Into the “Why”

It could be that your teen is consciously taking all their frustrations out on you, but more than likely there’s an underlying reason. We know their brain and hormones are a factor, but teenagers are also notorious for displacing their emotions. In fact, sometimes, they STINK at handling their emotions (through no fault of their own). Did their boyfriend just break up with them? Did they fail a test they studied hard for? Dive in… the more you understand the unlying reason(s) your teen is behaving the way that they are, the more you can approach the situation calmly, rationally, empathetically, and lovingly. 

• Keep Those Lines of Communication Wide Open

When your teen unleashes on you, give them time to regroup and then, talk about it. Minus any attitude from you, say something along the lines of, “Listen, it’s okay to feel those big emotions. I want you to feel safe in this house to express yourself no matter what you’re feeling. But it’s not okay to mistreat me or anyone else because of them. In this house, respect is non-negotiable.” 

• Respond, Don’t React

Staying calm in the face of their storm helps de-escalate tension. Your calm presence shows them how to regulate, even when they can’t. 

• Set Boundaries (Especially If Your Teen’s Behavior Has Become Sheer Habit)

Take time when you and your teen are calm to discuss what you are and are not willing to tolerate when your teen is in the mood to put up their fists and fight (figuratively speaking, that is). They need to understand that venting is okay, but it still requires respect and that you’re not going to put up with things like swearing, name-calling, or the destruction of anything in your house. Even if the situation has gone on too long and your teen’s unruly behavior has become sheer habit, it’s not too late to set boundaries. Lay down your steadfast rules along with the consequences if they break them. (Then, follow through with those consequences.) 

• Help Them Find the Words to Express Themselves

Remember when we used to tell our toddlers, “Use your words” when they were upset? Well, some things haven’t changed. When our teen lashes out at you for no reason, say something like, “Hey, I think you and I both know I didn’t deserve that response. That’s not like you… Do you want to tell me what’s really going on? I’m listening.” Sometimes, teens lack the “emotional vocabulary” to say, “I’m overwhelmed.” “I feel like a failure.” “I don’t know where I fit in at school.” Instead, they throw shade, roll their eyes, or slam their bedroom door. It’s their form of communication and we need to teach them the right way to communicate. 

• Adopt a “Pause” Rule in Your House

Create a family rule that when things get heated, either of you can call for a 5-minute break. That short break can hit the reset button and lead to a more productive conversation when you’re both calmer. 

• Be the Role Model They Need

It’s up to you to set the tone for discussions in your home. If you yell, they’ll likely yell back. Demonstrate mature and constructive ways to manage your emotions, providing your teen with practical examples to emulate. Then, when your teen does handle a situation well, praise them! “I noticed you stayed calm even though you were extremely upset – I’m proud of you. That took a lot of maturity.”

• Focus on Your Teen’s Behavior, Not Them

Rather than say, “You’re so rude and disrespectful! I can’t stand it when you get like this!” Separate your teen from their behavior and say instead, “Don’t use that tone with me… it’s not okay.” It keeps their identity separate from their behavior which can reduce shame AND prevent you from eroding your relationship. 

• Encourage Healthy “Frustration Outlets”

Help them find healthy ways to blow off steam – listening to music, working out, journaling, or just chilling out in their bedroom. The more tools they have, the less likely they’ll use you as their punching bag. 

• Seek Professional Help, If Needed

If your teen’s emotional outbursts become unmanageable, consulting a professional can provide you with additional strategies and more support. Reach out to your teen’s doctor or their school counselor for recommendations, or search for online therapy options. 

When we understand the “why” behind our teen’s behavior, it makes it easier for us to respond with empathy and the right strategies so we can build a stronger bond and better support their emotional growth during this pivotal time. 

About Marybeth Bock

Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

If you enjoyed reading, “Help! I’m My Teen’s Emotional Punching Bag,” here are a few other posts you might like!

Dear Parents, Who Your Teen is At Home Isn’t Who the Rest of the World Sees

When Your Teen’s Attitude Sucks: 10 Things You Can Do to Turn it Around 

Teach Your Teen How to Disagree Respectfully – A Powerful Life Skill