This Post: Teaching Your Teen to Clean Without Being Asked: A Survival Guide for Tired Moms
Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community
I’m sure nearly every parent, (or most, anyway), has experienced this: You walk into the kitchen, only to be greeted by a tower of trash that rivals the Leaning Tower of Pisa while your teen blissfully walks past it tossing in MORE trash like it’s the maid’s job to empty it.
Classic teen move, right?
Teaching Your Teen to Clean Without Being Asked: A Survival Guide for Tired Moms
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been blown away by my teens’ inability to see a mess that’s right in front of them.
Just the other day, I was standing in our hallway, staring at a pile of clothes at the base of the stairs. It was rather impressive, really. There was an empty Gatorade bottle balancing on top of a mix of balled-up socks, a rogue hoodie and and a couple of sweaty, dirty t-shirts my son wore to the gym.
You couldn’t help but see it. In fact, you had to climb over it just to get upstairs. And yet, my teenage son brushed past me, said “Wassup, Mom!” and leaped over the pile as though he saw absolutely nothing wrong.
“Do you not see this?” I asked, pointing to the balancing laundry pile.
He glanced down. “Oh. That?” he said. “I thought you were saving that for something.”
Saving it for something??? (At first I thought he was kidding… he wasn’t!)
What could I possibly be saving it for?
And that’s when it hit me: our kids literally do not see the mess. Or, maybe they do, but they just don’t register it as their responsibility. So, what do we do if our kids are blind to the mess that surrounds them or if they flat-out refuse to take ownership of the fact that they had any part in creating it?
Well… we teach them.
Patiently.
Intentionally.
And, with a whole lot of humor (and maybe a few heavy sighs), because trust me, parents, this is one massive ship that won’t turn quickly. (I’m thinking they really won’t “get it” until they have a place of their own.)
In other words, don’t expect a miracle.
Just keep pursuing, and you might reap the rewards of your efforts in small “wins” here and there.
Here are 10 simple tips to help your teen start noticing what needs to be done around the house – and, hopefully, do it without being asked.
1. Stop Doing It All For Them
We’re moms. We’ve been “doing” for our kids since we brought them into this world. And, old habits sure are hard to break, aren’t they? But as long as we continue to swoop in and clean their messes, they’ll never feel the need to clean it, OR even notice that it needs to be cleaned.
Instead, let them feel the discomfort of not having Mom at their beck and call. Let them make sure their sports uniform is washed. Let them realize that they’re completely out of clean socks. They may not handle the transition well. But how else will they learn to not only notice but also learn to become responsible?
(That’s not to say we should completely stop doing little things for our kids here and there. For us moms, “doing” for our kids is one of our many love languages.)
2. Be Specific About What You Want Them To Do
Instead of saying, “I want you to clean your bedroom,” make it more specific. “Say something like, “Hey, your room is a mess. I need you to pick up your dirty clothes on the floor, pull your sheets off your bed and wash them, and put away your clean clothes.”
I know… they should be able to walk in the room and see what needs to be done, right? But oftentimes, they don’t. We need to help them by giving them a specific task list. The more we guide them on specific things that need to be done, the more likely it is to sink in, so one day we won’t have to. (You might have to show them how to clean right – teens can be fairly clueless when it comes to cleaning.)
3. Teach Them to “Scan the Room”
Before they head out the door to hang with friends, say, “I need help cleaning the kitchen. Look around, “What three things need to be done?” If they need help, say, “Do the counters need to be wiped down?” “Does the floor need sweeping?” “Do the dirty dishes need to be put in the dishwasher?”
I got my kids into the habit of “scanning the room,” and it worked beautifully! It took a while, but eventually, they became adept at identifying (at least) three things that needed to be done in the room.
4. Praise Progress, Not Perfection
I remember one time I asked my son to wash his sheets and pillowcase. And, he did just that. He washed them. Never put them in the dryer. Never took them out. And never put them back on his bed. “Oh,” he said. “You didn’t ask me to do all that.”
I STILL praised him for his effort because, to me, I considered it progress. It’s all about reinforcing the behavior you want to see more of – even if it isn’t done perfectly. So, if your teen took the trash out without being asked. Celebrate it! If they fed the dog without being asked. Celebrate it!
5. Create SIMPLE Checklists
Every Saturday morning, I make a simple checklist for each of my kids. I don’t overwhelm them with detailed tasks; I just list a handful of things I want them to do. Things like:
- Tidy up your bathroom: Clean the sink and toilet/wipe down the counters
- Empty the kitchen trash can
- Vacuum the living room
- Take the clean dishes out of the dishwasher
Keep it simple and within reason – three or four things max. This “Mom’s No-Nag To-Do List” works great! No nagging, no yelling, no constant reminders, just a simple checklist you leave on the counter or in their bedroom.
6. Have a Weekly “Walk-Through”
Another way to get your kids to become more aware of the messes around the house is to pick one day a week when you walk through the house together.
Talk out loud about what you’re noticing: cluttered counters, a pile of shoes by the front door, fingerprints on the fridge. It helps train their eye. As you walk through, ask them which “jobs” they would like to take on and then add them to their to-do list.
7. Give Them Ownership
You can also consider giving each of your kids one area of the house that’s theirs to manage.
Whether it’s their bedroom, the mudroom, their bathroom, or the living room, let them take charge of that area and be responsible for having other family members clean up their mess. Sometimes, putting responsibility on your teen’s shoulders is all they need to feel important and valued in the home.
8. Toss Out a Reward Now and Then
First, let’s get this straight… It’s not bribing, it’s training. (Okay, maybe it IS bribing just a bit, but hey, if it works, don’t knock it!) Say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been keeping your room picked up, I’m proud of you! Want to invite a few friends over on Friday night? I’ll spring for pizza and drinks!”
Teenagers aren’t much different than toddlers (they’re just in way bigger bodies). Those small rewards you gave your toddler when they listened or were well-behaved in the grocery store will work for your teen, too. It doesn’t have to be all the time (or they’ll expect it), and it doesn’t have to be expensive – just a little recognition for doing things right!
9. Let Them Deal with Natural Consequences
If they run out of clean clothes because their laundry didn’t get done, let it play out. If their favorite hoodie is still sitting in the hamper, let them deal with it.
They’ll learn faster from missing their favorite shirt than from your constant reminders.
10. Be Patient – This is a Life Skill
This kind of awareness doesn’t come overnight. Keep trying, keep teaching, and let the lessons sink in over time.
One day, you might walk into the kitchen and find the trash taken out before you even say a word. (It might feel like a miracle!)
Helping our teens learn how to see and act on what needs to be done isn’t just about keeping the house clean. It’s about teaching them to take responsibility, pay attention to their environment, and care for the spaces they live in. So even if it does start with an epic trash pile or a pile of balancing laundry at the base of the stairs, they’ll eventually “get it.” One day…
If you enjoyed reading “Teaching Your Teen to Clean Without Being Asked: A Survival Guide for Tired Moms,” here are a few other posts you might like!
10 Tips to Declutter and Organize Your Teen’s Room So It Stays Clean
Hey, Teens… Here’s the REAL Reason You Should Clean Your Bedroom
8 Chores Your Teen Should Be Doing (Without You Nagging Them)