This Post: ‘I Dunno’ – Your Teen’s Most Annoying Yet Honest Response
Co-written By: Nancy Reynolds & Marybeth Bock
At some point in your kid’s teen years, your once-chatty child will enter a mysterious new phase where their response to pretty much everything will become: “I dunno.” (Followed in popularity by their other favorite answers: “k,” “whateeevvvver,” “fine,” and “bruh.”
What do you want for dinner? “I dunno.” (Often accompanied by a shrug.)
Why didn’t you turn in your homework? “I dunno.” (Often accompanied by an annoying look.)
Why is your room always such a mess? “I dunno.” (Often accompanied by a follow-up statement… “It’s MY room! I shouldn’t HAVE to clean it if I don’t want to!”)
Where do you want to go to college? “I dunno.” (Often accompanied by a heavy sigh and an eye-roll.)
Why are you in such a bad mood? “I dunno.” (Often accompanied by a quick exit to avoid further interrogation.)
“What are your plans with your friends tonight? “Mooom! Geeez! I dunno!” (Often accompanied by a nasty look because they think you’ve asked too many questions when you only asked two.)
‘I Dunno’ – Your Teen’s Most Annoying Yet Honest Response
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of your teen’s endless “I dunnos” and had to bite your tongue just to stop yourself from yelling out in frustration, “Well, what DO you know!? ANYTHINNNG???” you’re not alone.
Their constant state of cluelessness begs the question: Do our teens really not know what they want or how they feel or what the plan is or what to do next? Or…
- Is their behavior simply indecision?
- Is it apathy?
- Could it be that they choose to keep us in the dark in their lives?
- Are they deliberately trying to send us over the edge so we eventually stop asking altogether?
- OR, is it possible that their brain really IS in a constant state of cluelessness?
I get it. It can be frustrating, annoying, and downright hurtful when your son or daughter seems to be shutting down AND shutting you out of their world.
But, parents… here’s what we’ve learned.
We know your teen’s two-word response is maddening, but there are actually common reasons why they “seem” so utterly clueless. Let’s dive in a little deeper… here’s what’s really going on behind all the “I dunno” responses.
9 Reasons Why Your Teen Says, “I Dunno”
1. They Genuinely Don’t Know
It’s not that they’re trying to be difficult (well, not always, anyway). The truth is, sometimes they genuinely don’t know. Their emotions, thoughts or even basic decisions (like what they want for dinner or what they feel like doing on a Saturday) feel like a mystery to them, too.
2. You Can Thank Their Under-Developed Brain for That
We really DO need to cut our teens a little slack when they blurt out a thoughtless “I dunno” response. Why? Because they might not be able to help it. Their brains are still growing, particularly in the area (the pre-frontal cortex) responsible for decision-making and self-awareness. At this time in their lives, they’re relying on the more emotional part of the brain, which can make expressing their thoughts and feelings challenging. They might be struggling to come up with a rational answer to a question and “I dunno” can pop out of their mouth before they can access the right words that explain their emotions.
3. They’re in Emotional Overdrive
Chances are if you started paying closer attention, you might find that you get more one or two-word answers when your teen is tired, stressed, or emotionally overloaded. Those big feelings they often deal with (another byproduct of their developing brain), can make everything feel and seem bigger than it is – that combined with academic pressure, friends and drama, and the rigor of daily life can make them feel like they’re on emotional overdrive. Thus, their go-to “I dunno” answer is a quick and easy “out.”
4. They’re Not in the Mood to Talk
Call it moods. Call it hormones. Or call it your teen’s way of saying, “Umm, yeah… can you just leave me alone?” but sometimes, teenagers just need to retreat to their quiet corner of the world and just “be.” Whether they escape to their bedroom and shut the world out or they pop in their earbuds and put their hood up on their hoodie, it’s a clear message that they aren’t in the mood to chat. So, when you do try to engage with them, well… you know the answer you’re going to get.
5. They’re Avoiding Conflict
If they suspect their answer might lead to a full-blown mom lecture, a debate, a fight, an interrogation, criticism, or judgment that they’re just not in the mindset to deal with, they might just play it safe with a harmless “I dunno” answer that doesn’t provide any information. In essence, saying “I dunno” is a quick and harmless way to shut down a conversation without triggering a deep conversation or argument. (You gotta give them credit for their sheer creativity!)
6. They’re Avoiding Responsibility
Are you going to clean your room today? “I dunno.”
When are you going to start studying for that big test you have next Friday? “I dunno.”
Why haven’t you started looking for a summer job yet? “I dunno.”
They know there are things they should be doing and they will eventually get them done – but it’s going to be on their terms, not yours. (Did someone say “stubborn?”)
7. They Haven’t Had Time to Process Their Emotions Yet
There are a lot of thoughts swirling around in your teen’s head and a ton of emotions they’re dealing with – to them, it can feel as though they’re on an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, their brain is racing and they simply haven’t had the chance to figure out why they’re upset, frustrated, indecisive, or anxious, and they truly don’t have the answer you’re looking for. In fact, they truly don’t know… yet.
8. They Don’t Want You to Know
Sometimes, “I dunno” serves as a deliberate attempt to keep you in the dark. It’s an easy way to keep certain parts of their life private and control the conversation – say just enough to respond, but not enough to reveal the truth or what they’re thinking or feeling.
9. It’s Their Default Setting
The words “I dunno” roll off a teen’s tongue so fast because, to them, it’s a reflex. It’s their default setting that’s the equivalent of a shrug. They say it when they don’t know what to say. They say it when they want you to think they’re listening, but they aren’t. They say it because it’s easy. They say it automatically—even when they do know – because it’s easier than thinking of a real answer.
How to Handle the “I Dunno” Phase:
- Give them a little time – Instead of pushing and prodding your teen, back off a bit and say, “Okay, think about it, and we’ll talk later.”
- Ask better questions – Instead of saying, “How was your day?” (which invites a one-word answer), ask more open-ended questions such as “What do you have left to do on your science project that’s due next Tuesday?”
- Help them process their emotions – Sometimes, they really don’t know and what they need is for you to help them figure things out. “Listen, I know you’re struggling with which colleges to apply to. Why don’t we sit down together and do a little research? I’m sure we can find a few that be might worth visiting.”
- Know when to let it go – If it’s not important, don’t force it. Some things have a way of working themselves out in time.
- Hang on… they just need to grow up – They’ll come around eventually, parents. Just give their brain and body time to mature.
The good news? This phase won’t last forever. Eventually, they’ll gain more confidence, grow up developmentally, and find their words again – you just have to survive the “I dunno” era first! Hang in there, parents!
About Marybeth Bock
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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