This post: Here’s Why You Should Fight to Build a Relationship With Your Teen
When my son turned 13, I began to contemplate the idea that I may have lost him forever. Seemingly overnight, he changed. My once chatty, even-keeled, go-with-the-flow boy who loved me (and wasn’t afraid to show it), disappeared into thin air.
Here’s Why You Should Fight to Build a Relationship With Your Teen
We used to do so much together.
If I suggested a quick lunch at his favorite restaurant, he jumped at the chance.
If I offered to make a big bowl of popcorn so we could pop in a movie we both wanted to see, he gladly accepted.
If he came home from school upset about something that happened that day, he didn’t hesitate to share his day.
Now when I suggested we go somewhere or do something together, his standard answer was “Nah, thanks, I’m good.” And, it wasn’t just that he didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with me, he suddenly didn’t want to talk to me as much. He spent most of his time with friends or in his bedroom listening to music, doing homework, gaming or hanging out. As desperate as it sounds, I felt uninvited from his world.
Confused and hurt, I couldn’t understand why. I knew he still loved me. That part was clear. But everything I’d come to know and love about parenting him was different. Nothing drastic had changed at home or in our relationship and nothing shifted in his life (that I knew of) to trigger this massive change in his behavior – other than the fact that he was now a teenager.
Lost on what to do next, I reached out to a friend who had weathered the storm of her kids’ teen years. Her powerful words of advice made me realize that I couldn’t willingly accept my son’s new rules of engagement. Sure, he needed his space and I accepted that, but what he also needed was me.
Chuckling under her breath she said, “Teenagers are really good at knowing what they want, but not very good at knowing what they need. If you want a relationship with your son you’re going to have to fight for it, because chances are if you don’t, he won’t either. And, trust me, he needs you.”
Our job as a parent of teens is likely the most difficult job we’ll ever have in life.
At a time in our kids’ lives when they need us the most, they oftentimes don’t want our help, they may not value our opinions and they may not recognize the worth of the life experiences and wisdom we’re so eager to share.
In fact, just getting them to have any type of relationship with us can be a challenge. They silently slip behind their bedroom door, hide their emotions, act like everything we do annoys them, and sometimes, even shut us out of their world completely.
But, what we have to remember is that we can’t give up on our kids or walk away from our responsibilities as a parent, simply because it’s hard, inconvenient, exhausting or frustrating.
Our kids are just that… kids. They may tower over us and their feet may be bigger than ours, but they’re still little on the inside.
Their burning desire to show the world just how independent and self-sufficient they are makes it difficult for them to recognize just how much they need us.
“Mooomm, I don’t need your advice. I can figure this out on my own.” “Daaddd… okaaay… you don’t have to tell me agaiiin.”
Oh, but they do need our advice.
They do need our guidance.
They do need help figuring some things out.
And, most importantly, they do need to feel our love.
They don’t have the life experiences under their belt as we do. They don’t have the knowledge or wisdom (just yet) to face this world head-on. They have some learning to do. Things they can’t learn in school, from their friends, from a book or a YouTube video.
They need us to teach them before they take that giant leap into the world. Not only do they need us to teach them a few important life lessons, they need us to equip them with the self-confidence and self-love to venture into an oftentimes unforgiving world.
Regardless of how difficult it is, we have to rise to the occasion and step up to the challenge. We have to remind ourselves (over and over again) of the importance of our role as a parent and fight to arm our kids with the love, confidence, insight and experience to manage life on their own. And, when it gets hard – even if it gets really hard – we can’t give up.
We have to try harder.
We have to keep parenting.
We need to find ways to relate.
We have to step into their world.
We have to be a solid role model.
We have to experiment with ways to connect.
We have to dig deep for patience and understanding.
We have to ask other parents, do research, talk to experts and figure out what works.
We have to push our pride aside and avoid taking their “offish” behavior personally.
We have to understand that their needs are changing and we need to find new ways to meet those needs.
We have to keep the hugs, high fives, fist bumps and backrubs flowing because our touch does matter.
We have to understand that they’re learning, growing and changing (their brain and bodies are under massive construction) and that, so often, they can’t control their moods and reactions.
Even if they’re fighting for their independence. Even if they pretend they don’t care. Even if they seem annoyed with us, irritated by our attempts to connect or shut their bedroom door and shut us out of their world.
We have to keep trying and parenting and offering guidance and being a steadfast presence in their lives and loving them unconditionally because their future depends on it. We have to fight to build a relationship with our teens because they need us.
As for my son and me, a few years have passed since his early teen years and, to this day, I’m grateful for my friend’s insightful words of advice. Not only did it help me realize that I had to take responsibility for my relationship with my son and that building a solid relationship with him was not only important but critical, but it also positively changed the trajectory of our relationship – a relationship that I feel blessed to say stands strong and open and loving today.
My message to parents of teens is this:
Just because your teen acts like they don’t need you, just because they’re now 18 and officially an adult, just because you’ve tried and failed, your weary or unsure how to build a relationship with your teen, don’t give up. Don’t stop trying, don’t take the path of least resistance, and don’t walk away.
Your teen needs you today, tomorrow, next year, and well into their adult years. Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date. It’s a job – a wonderful, amazing, rewarding job – that never ends, even when it’s hard.
Build a relationship with your teen by quietly getting involved in their world.
If you enjoyed this post, here are a few others you might enjoy:
101 Mother-Teen Son Bonding Ideas
50 Ways to Connect with Your Teen Daughter
15 Tough Truths Every Teen Needs to Hear
6 Battles We Need to Let Our Teens Win
What Teenagers Really Need from Their Parents
1 comment
This is quite helpful, it’s sickening when they shut u outta their lives, mine acts like he knows better. Thanks for this