Raising kids in today’s landscape is beyond challenging. Throughout the many years I’ve spent raising my kids it often feels like every step forward I help my kids take, they always seem to take two steps backward.
And, it’s no wonder.
Every single day they’re given verbal and non-verbal cues outside the home that make them question whether they’re heading in the right direction or that everyone else has it all figured out and they don’t.
When I talk with my kids, they often say things like, “But, mom… other kids are doing things differently,” or “Some of my friends think I’m making the wrong decision.” Heck, even when I meet with the counselors at their school, they offer advice that begins with “Most of the students in our school are….”
What if I don’t want my kids to follow the masses? What if I don’t want them to become a carbon copy of what their school, their friends, other parents or society feels is the epitome of a “perfect” child?
What if I want my kids to embrace their own individuality, seek their own passions, forge their own path and hone in on the talents they’ve been blessed with?
Sometimes I feel as though we’ve lost sight of the beauty of individuality. It’s no wonder so many kids struggle with self-esteem. It’s a game they can never win. No matter how hard they try to fit in, they’ll always fall short because they are, in fact, different. They aren’t the same, they never will be, and…that’s okay. In fact, it’s their own unique differences that we need to encourage them to embrace.
Through trial and error with my own kids, here are six lessons we should teach our kids to help them become strong, resilient and confident.
Failure is a Factor of Learning
Failure is never easy for anyone, but it’s especially hard for teenagers. For the 18 precious years we have our kids under our roof, we need to give them the freedom to fail and, more importantly, we need to help them learn to view those failures as opportunities to try again, that they’re merely detours in disguise and stepping stones to reach their goals. Plus, those failures present themselves as great opportunities for our kids to build resilience and develop important coping mechanisms.
By creating a “comfort zone” for our kids to make those occasional mistakes, we’re opening the door to interactive dialogue and the opportunity to guide them and pass along valuable life lessons.
It’s OK to Be Different. In Fact, it’s Cool.
We live in a world filled with contrasts and differences, and yet we oftentimes don’t come to appreciate those differences until we’re much older.
Stepping out of the norm is challenging for teens. But, the sooner we empower our kids to become their own person – to follow their own interests, dress the way they want to dress and find their own passions, even if it means not following the crowd – the sooner they’ll learn how cool it feels to be a leader and not a follower. Kids learn from example. Become an inspiration to your kids by stepping out of your own comfort zone and you’ll soon find that they’ll learn from you and become an inspiration to their peers.
Find Your “Voice” to Speak Up in a Noisy World
Finding the assertiveness to speak up in a noisy world isn’t easy, especially for teenagers who have relied on their parents to do the talking for them. One of the best ways kids learn to have a voice is by watching their parents. Become a model of assertive (yet calm) communication to teach them the importance of speaking up when needed and necessary.
Coach them how to handle arguments with friends, how to speak with teachers or professors and how to effectively communicate their opinions and ideas without being too pushy or arrogant. Also, practice being a democratic family. If your kid’s opinions are valued at home, they’ll be far more likely to have the confidence to speak up outside the home.
Focus on the Positive
When the going gets tough, kids always tend to focus on the negative. Practice positive parenting by modeling self-love, focusing on your child’s strengths and avoiding criticism. Without going overboard and praising beyond their accomplishments, celebrate their successes no matter how small they may be.
Whether it’s getting an “A” on a test, a decision to try a new sport or a problem they solved on their own, every milestone – no matter how small – further reinforces their independence and confidence. Even if kids falter from time to time, they need continual reassurance that they’re moving in the right direction and making headway.
Seek Out New Adventures
Did you know that college admissions officers often look for applicants who have an adventurous nature? That’s because confident kids are always willing to try new things without the constant fear of failure. Foster your child’s love of adventure by encouraging them to seek out new things to try.
Maybe they want to try out for the school play, join a hiking group or take a class that might be more challenging. Regardless of what your child’s definition of adventure is, if they’re stepping out of their comfort zone, putting themselves out there, and venturing onto new horizons, consider it a good thing.
Give Them Your Unconditional Love
Kids need stability to feel confident. They need to know that no matter what you’ll always be there for them regardless of the (potentially poor) decisions they happen to make along the way. If they get stuck in a sticky situation, make a bad choice, need advice, reassurance, or just a shoulder to lean on, they need to know you’ll be there waiting with a listening ear.
Once kids realize that their parent’s love is unconditional and steadfast, they’ll be far more likely to venture out, take risks, step into a leadership role and, ultimately, focus less on the fear of failure and more on their hopes and dreams.