When my kids were young, I was always reading up on the latest parenting advice and tips. Everything from the best potty training techniques to strategies to avoid temper tantrums, I loved seeking advice from the experts and, especially, parents who had “been there.”
To me, there was nothing more comforting than hearing from a parent who had been on the frontlines and who could validate all the concerns, fears and emotions that I was feeling
Even though my kids are older now, I still find myself diving into parenting articles and books from time to time searching for advice from “seasoned” parents or experts. I’m always on the hunt for that one piece of advice to help me improve my relationship with kids, offer a little insight on how to handle a situation or validate a fear that lingers in my mind.
It doesn’t really matter how old we are, how many years of parenting we have under our belt or how old our children are, there’s always room for great advice and we can always seek out ways to improve ourselves as a parent.
In fact, because our kids have reached the teen years and the stakes are much higher and the mistakes we (and our children) make oftentimes have wider implications, we should be striving to fine-tune our parenting skills even more.
I recently read an article in the Chicago Tribune entitled, “Biggest Mistakes Parents Make with Their Teens” that offered validation and insight into a topic I’m always seeking advice on. The article offered a glimpse into some of the biggest challenges parents face raising teens. What I loved about this particular article is how the experts simplified ways parents can ease tension and improve the relationship we have with our teens.
One of the biggest issues parents face raising teens is the loss of control. As teens push for more freedom, parents fight back which sets the tone for tension and arguments.
“Teens are going through a very stressful time in their lives. Expectations are huge, the social scene can be difficult, peer pressure is enormous, college applications are due, peers matter more than we do, and psychologically and physiologically, there are a lot of changes going on. Add that up and you get a melting pot of teenage emotions – and the target of those emotions is quite often the parent.”
According to the article, to ease the tension with your kids and improve your relationship, we need to relinquish a bit of control. Shift the hierarchy and offer your kids the opportunity to make decisions that impact their lives on their own without you influencing their decision. It’s easier said than done, I know.
However, if parents don’t anticipate their child’s growing need for autonomy, when it does happen, they view it as lack of respect or that they’re losing control which, in turn, causes the parent to clamp down even harder.
Even well-intended parents sometimes get a little too involved in their child’s lives. I’m certainly guilty of it. I sometimes found myself trying to influence my kid’s decisions thinking that I was somehow doing them a favor – after all, I had experience on my side and I knew what was good for them. After a making a few wrong choices on behalf of my kids (like encouraging them to take an AP course in high school that ended up kicking their butt), I soon realized that I needed to learn to trust them and trust their decisions.
Let your child choose what you’re having for dinner, what classes they want to take, what sports they’ll be playing or when they would like to study for that big test on Friday. You’re still the parent making all the major decisions in their lives, but they want and need us to back off a bit and give them the freedom to take control of their own lives and begin allowing them to make their own decisions.
Essentially, we need to give them the freedom to fail.
And, as your child matures, offer them even more opportunities to “make the rules” and see how they handle the responsibility. According to the article, “if kids begin to feel that their parents respect their decisions, you’ll often see a shift and your child will become more mature and engaged as opposed to rebellious and resistant.” With each decision that they make they’ll begin to recognize whether their decisions were good or bad and that, regardless, they must face the consequences of their decisions. By making this connection, they will begin to embrace the fact that their decisions are truly their own.
I have seen this first-hand with my own kids. The older my kids have become the more I tend to step back and allow them to make their own decisions. The end result has been profound. I have watched my kids become far more confident about who they are – their likes, dislikes, their needs and even their future. The hierarchy is shifting and my parental control is slowly diminishing as they gain more confidence in their decision-making ability. I still (and always will) stand ready on the sidelines to step in when they need my guidance and advice, but with each passing year, I’m giving them more autonomy to prepare them for the world that awaits them.
Of course, relinquishing control and allowing your child to make their own decisions should be an incremental process based on age, maturity and the specific decision they’re making. And, you should always hold the power to veto a decision if needed.