This Post: Can Your Teen Carry a Conversation With An Adult? 5 Tips to Help Them Improve This Vital Skill
Written By: Jessica Manning
When my boys were little, they often came home after spending time with my parents and they’d tell me they “practiced conversation.”
Their Grandpa and Nana would sit them down and teach them how to use full sentences, make eye contact, and reciprocate questions and interests. It used to make me laugh because my kids loved it and thought it was a game. But in their wisdom, my parents knew how essential these skills would become for them later in life.
As a high school counselor, I talk to a lot of kids. Sadly, far too many of the kids I interact with lack the necessary skills to carry a conversation.
So often, I receive one-word answers to open-ended questions, a lot of “I don’t know”(s), zero active engagement, small/low voices and, to top it off, very little direct eye contact.
Can Your Teen Carry a Conversation With An Adult? 5 Tips to Help Them Improve This Vital Skill
Can your teen carry a conversation with a teacher, coach, referee, or doctor? As someone who has spent years working directly with teenagers, I feel strongly that by the time kids reach high school, they should be able to hold a conversation with an adult
Of course, no one expects young teens (and even older teens) to have mastered the art of conversation, but they shouldn’t be awkwardly stumbling and fumbling their way through a simple conversation.
Should they be able to make direct eye contact? YES.
Should they be able to answer questions with more than a nod or a one-word answer? YES.
Should they be able to interact with an adult with some level of confidence and maturity? YES.
I understand some kids are shy or perhaps nervous (and some kids may be dealing with other challenges). But at what age should kids be expected to converse and begin to advocate for themselves?
I recently met with a 14-year-old student and her mom. I purposefully made eye contact with the student and directed the conversation (plus questions) to the student. Each time, she looked at her mom who then chimed in and spoke for her.
I mean, haven’t we all been there at some point with our kids?
We’re standing next to our teen while an adult tries to interact with them and our teen turns to us for “support” and we end up speaking on their behalf? Eventually, you walk away cringing (often embarrassed by their behavior) and muttering to your kid, “Why didn’t you say something?,” or, “Why did you say that?” or, “You could have at least tried or pretended to be interested.”
Parents, it’s not too late to encourage (or gently nudge) your teen to practice their communication skills so they can confidently express themselves.
In a few short years, your teen will not have you to speak on their behalf. Imagine navigating their early adulthood without the skills necessary to communicate effectively with a college professor, a doctor or nurse, or a boss.
There are so many aspects to consider when teaching our teens how to communicate, but these are the skills most teens lack that I see most often in my office.
1. Look Up, PLEASE!
It should go without saying, but talk to your teen about being respectful and mannerly when speaking with an adult (or anyone for that matter). They should put their phone down (and turn off all notifications if it’s a meeting with a teacher or counselor, for instance) and focus on paying attention to what the other person is saying.
Look up and show genuine interest – this ONE skill alone will set them apart from the vast majority of other kids/students.
2. Be Aware of Body Language
Sometimes kids are simply unaware of the messages they send through their bodies – when they roll their eyes, make a face, or cross their arms, for example.
I will often say to students, “I noticed you made a face when I said that. Did you realize you did that?” because many times, they truly don’t realize how their bodies react to their emotions. They need to learn to tune into their body language and understand that their body language can speak louder than their words.
NOTE: Keep in mind that many times, their body language is not indicative of blatant disrespect; instead, it’s a means to communicate how they feel when they can’t find the words to express it.
3. Be an Active Listener
Another thing I say to students A LOT is, “Listen with your eyes.” Eye contact is the easiest way to start if you’re working with a teenager on improving their body language and communication skills during a conversation.
If they’re not making eye contact, they can’t read the other person’s body language. I may or may not have snapped my fingers at my kids a few times and said, “Look alive” while I was talking to them. A real conversation is a two-way street and listening is an art many teens have yet to master. They also need to be taught not to interrupt and to ask clarifying questions, when needed. Listening while looking at their phone is not active listening!
4. Match Effort
Nothing trips my trigger like a disengaged, apathetic student. If I’m trying hard to converse, I expect a teenager to (at least) try, as well. The most enjoyable conversations I have in my office are the ones with students who show energy, curiosity, and interest in return.
Answering, “I don’t know” is often a lazy way out (although sometimes kids truly don’t know). But with a little effort and practice, teens should be able to muster answers to questions in full sentences. They should also be able to return questions, whether out of necessity or curiosity. That’s how conversations work! Encourage your kids to match the effort and energy someone else is putting into their discussions.
5. Don’t Let Your Teen Off the Hook with Easy (Lazy) One-Word Answers
If we let our kids off the hook every time they take the lazy approach to conversation, how will they EVER learn? Good communication takes practice.
Role-model what good conversation looks like, encourage your teen to speak and advocate for themselves, and challenge them to expand on their thoughts when they offer up one-word answers, a nod, or an “I dunno” answer.
Also, ask them not only IF but also HOW they communicate at school. Don’t simply ask what they said to a teacher (to resolve an issue, for instance), have an intentional conversation about how they conversed, what their body language was like, and what the response of the teacher was. Don’t assume they’re communicating properly – dive in and ask detailed questions.
6. Hand the Conversation Reins to Your Teen
Help your teen learn how to carry a conversation with adults – let them call and make their own appointments, order pizza, and answer questions when you’re present so they can lean on you a bit if and when needed. And please, please, use the school as a conduit for practicing these skills.
What safer place is there to let them advocate for themselves than in school with educators who understand how teens communicate? I cannot tell you how many phone calls and emails I receive from parents on behalf of their kids. I understand that some extenuating circumstances might warrant this, but in most cases, teenagers should try communicating independently first – give them a chance before reaching out yourself!
I know how tempting it is to speak on behalf of your kids; I struggle with that all the time.
But I don’t want my boys to have moments when I’m not around where they feel incapable of adequately expressing themselves – whether it’s in an interview, a contentious situation, or a meaningful conversation with a teacher or a coach. Now is the time for our kids to develop these critical conversation skills that will carry them through life.
About Jessica Manning
Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis.
If you enjoyed reading, “Can Your Teen Carry a Conversation With An Adult? 5 Tips to Help Them Improve This Vital Skill,” here are a few other posts you might like!
Why You NEED to Have Those Awkward Conversations with Your Teen
Your Teen Really DOES Want to Talk to You: Tips for Opening Up the Lines of Communication