This Post: “I Feel Like I’m Failing as a Parent”- How to Overcome the Hopelessness

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

Interestingly, more than half of parents (55%) feel as though they’re failing within the first year of parenthood. But what we don’t talk about enough (or conduct enough studies on) is how many parents feel like they’re epically failing during their child’s teen years. 

“I Feel Like I’m Failing as a Parent”- How to Overcome the Hopelessness

We’ve all had those heartwrenching, overwhelming, and hopeless conversations with ourselves at one point or another, haven’t we?

“Am I a bad parent?”

“Is my child struggling because of me?”

“Where did I go wrong?”

“Did I make the wrong decision?”

“Am I failing as a parent?”

Let me offer every parent who has ever felt as though they’re failing a ray of hope…

Being a parent and raising our children to be adults can be exhausting, daunting, and stressful, yet beautiful and fulfilling. In our determined quest to raise our kids right mistakes can and will be made. We’re human. 

Just like our teens are learning every single day, so are we. We’re making decisions along the way that we feel are in the best interest of our children. We’re putting rules and boundaries in place to protect them in a world that simply doesn’t feel safe anymore. We’re guiding them the best can despite our kids’ attempts to disregard our seasoned insight. 

More than likely, every one of us will look back on our parenting journey with a few regrets. A few missed opportunities. A few bad decisions. A few “shouldas” and “couldas” and “wouldas.” 

You’re not alone in that… this is HARD.

What IS Parental Failure?

While there isn’t a formal definition of what parental failure is, some experts describe it as when a parent causes significant trauma and/or physical or emotional damage to their child through their parenting style. 

What Parental Failure ISN’T

Hitting a rough patch with your teen isn’t parental failure. Having a drag-out argument with your teen isn’t parental failure. Making a poor parenting decision based on your knowledge and experience at the time isn’t parental failure. Feeling as though your teen dislikes you or even hates you because they spend hours on end in their bedroom isn’t parental failure. 

Most parents experience their fair share of ups and downs with their teens – it certainly doesn’t mean they’re failing.

But, when our kids make poor choices themselves or struggle in some way, our inner critic with feelings of “letting them down,” or “not being the parent they need” becomes magnified and we turn those feelings of defeat and failure onto ourselves.

As parents, we’re notoriously hard on ourselves, aren’t we?

It’s inherent in our hearts – we love our children so much and want to be the best parent we can be, so when our kids get off track, it must be our fault, we must be screwing up, we must be failing. It’s all so very personal. 

Common Reasons Why Parents Feel Like a Failure

Here are a few reasons why a parent may feel like they’re failing.

• Their teen doesn’t listen to them or follow the rules and boundaries they’ve put in place.
• Their teen is disrespectful and argumentative.
• Their teen is struggling academically or in other areas of their life.
• Their teen is repeatedly getting into trouble.
• They feel unwanted and unloved because their teen doesn’t seem interested in spending time with them.
• They work full-time and don’t feel sufficiently present in their teen’s life. 
• Their teen compares them to other parents and often verbalizes what a bad parent they are.
• They compare their teen to other teens and/or families with teens and they feel they don’t measure up. 

When “I’m failing as a parent” feelings creep into your heart, here are things you can do to ease the hopelessness, reframe your thoughts, and strive to become the parent YOU can be proud of.

Keep Things in Perspective

As parents, we tend to take ownership of our teen’s behavior and actions. After all, we raised them, right? The fact that they’re skipping class, smoking weed, or sneaking out of their bedroom at night must be a reflection of our parenting. But, parents, your teen’s actions are not your report card. 

Sure, we have to acknowledge that our parenting has a profound impact on our kids, but let’s not confuse what we’re teaching our teens with what our teens are learning.

We may be guiding, supporting, and loving our kids, but they may be unwilling or simply not ready to listen to our teachings.

According to Mark Gregston of Parenting Today’s Teens, “Your child is not a personal mirror. They’re a developing adult who needs to learn and grow through the experience of making mistakes. Don’t judge your parenting successes or failures on the short-term behavior of your child.”

Instead of Saying “I’m Failing,” Say “I’m Struggling”

And, we all do, at times. We struggle with being too lenient versus too strict. We struggle with knowing how to discipline our kids and which consequences would work best. We struggle with thinking everyone else has this parenting gig figured out and we don’t. We struggle with giving them the freedom to grow and mature yet having the urge to protect them with a fierceness that consumes our hearts and minds. 

Struggling is okay; it’s normal and should be expected. Just because you’re struggling (or your teen is struggling), doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re trying to navigate the complex terrain of parenting your teen the best you can. 

Don’t Allow Your Feelings (and Negative Self-Talk) to Consume You

Every single parent I know has had feelings of guilt, shame, despair, failure, and even full-blown panic at one point or another. Don’t allow those feelings to steer you off course. Don’t cave into the notion that you’re not the parent your child needs because you ARE. 

Mostly, don’t give up because it’s hard, inconvenient, or exhausting or you feel as though you’ve tried every measure without any positive results. And, don’t give up on yourself or your child no matter how desperate the situation may seem. There is always room for change, hope, and renewal.

Use Your Feelings as a Launchpad for Change

The need for change doesn’t equate to failure, parents.

With my own three children, when things weren’t working or when they were fighting me tooth and nail and we were arguing, I gave it a rest and pondered important questions. “Do I need my child to change or do I need to change? “Are they being unreasonable or am I?” “What steps can I take to create more harmony in our home and encourage them to listen and abide by my rules?”

Our kids aren’t particularly good at expressing themselves verbally. As such, their feelings often present themselves as “attitude,” or “disrespect,” or “disregard” for our boundaries and rules. One of my favorite parenting quotes is:

“Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.”  ~Ashleigh Warner

Dive in, parents. Find the root cause of what’s making you feel like a failure. If it’s your child’s behavior/actions, find the root cause of that. Talk to your kids. Ask them their opinion, thoughts, and feelings. And then, be willing and open to change. That change just might be the healthy breath of fresh air you and your child(ren) need to get back on the right track. 

Include Your Teen(s) in the Process

Stop carrying the burden of feeling like you’re a failure and work toward positive change. And, the first step to positive change when raising teens is to work with them, not against them – after all, trying to get back to shore while fighting a strong ocean current can be exhausting and futile.

For starters, push your ego aside, step down from your parental pedestal of perfection, admit that you don’t have all the answers and you will mistakes, and get eye-eye with your teen. Our teenagers are far more intelligent and intuitive that we often give them credit. They need us to be REAL with them.

Work with your child to find what works and what doesn’t. Of course, you need to be the final decision-maker, but allowing your teen to weigh in on curfews, consequences, chores, etc. empowers them by giving them a critical voice in the relationship. The more empowered and “part of the process” they feel, the less pushback you’re likely to receive. 

Put Yourself on Your Priority List

Self-care isn’t selfish… it’s necessary. Our feelings of inadequacy or failure are often magnified when we’re feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. That’s why sleep, eating healthily, exercise (or at the very least, getting plenty of fresh air), and taking much-needed “me time” breaks can give us the mental, physical, and emotional strength needed to face issues (and our negative self-talk) head on. Bottom line, parents… take care of YOU. Raising teens isn’t for the faint of heart. 

Seek Help, If Needed

Seeking the help of a professional isn’t a sign of weakness or failure; it’s a sign of strength. Sometimes, as parents, we don’t have all the answers despite our attempts to get things right.

A professional who specializes in helping parents and teens navigate their relationships can prove invaluable in opening the lines of communication between you and your teen and help you hit the “reset button” in your relationship. 

So, before you slap an “I’m failing” label on yourself, remember all parents struggle to parent their teens to varying degrees.

If you’re worried about how you’re doing as a parent it means you care and that’s a great starting point. If you’ve identified areas in your parenting that could be contributing to your feelings of despair, be honest with yourself and open to change. Remember, too, that so much of your teen’s behavior is developmentally normal.

Mostly, remember how much your teen needs YOU. Yes… YOU.

A few rough days or even a few rough months will never define you as a parent. So, go a little easy on yourself… parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. 

If you enjoyed reading, “I Feel Like I’m Failing as a Parent”- How to Overcome the Hopelessness,” here are a few other posts you might enjoy.

Dear Struggling Parents, It’s Not Just You. Parenting Teens is Hard

Am I Too Soft on My Kids? Too Hard? One Mom’s Honest Look at How She Struggles to Parent Her Teens

Is My Teen Normal? Top 10 Behavior Issues Most Parents Deal With