This Post: Dear Teens, There’s a Difference Between Being Popular vs. Well-Liked

Written By: Jessica Manning

It’s Homecoming season – for most high schools, this means a week chock full of celebrations including, class competitions, pep rallies, the big game, and, of course, the Homecoming dance that follows. 

I work as a high school counselor at a school in the Midwest, and I can honestly say I love how Homecoming fosters school spirit and connects the community. I particularly love watching our students and staff unite over traditions that have withstood the test of time.

However, the one Homecoming tradition that has always given me pause (to the point where I still can’t decide how I feel about it) is the Homecoming Court. 

Dear Teens,

There’s a Difference Between Being “Popular” vs. “Well-Liked”

This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, please visit our Privacy/Disclosure Page.

High schoolers are told to vote for their favorite people. There are no parameters – just pick who you like (five girls, five boys), even if you don’t know them or what they stand for. Base your vote on, well… anything – how kind they are, how athletic they are, how pretty or good-looking they are, how popular they are… it’s up to you. And then we’ll put the 10 chosen kids on a pedestal all week and let them represent our student body. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I disapprove. In fact, I was on the Homecoming court myself in high school, and being part of the celebrations is one of my favorite high school memories.

So how can I balk at it now? Well… maturity, perspective, and perhaps being a parent make you view things differently.

The Homecoming Court often leaves 10 seniors on cloud nine and the rest of the class questioning how they rank in life. 

Why do we continue to do that to our kids? They certainly don’t need a formal opportunity to rank each other; they quietly do that day-in-and-day-out anyway.

Popularity: The Conversation Begins Sooner Than You Might Think

When I was an elementary school counselor, I noticed that the conversations about popularity typically started in 4th or 5th grade. When I moved on to being a middle school counselor, it became utterly clear that middle school is primetime for analyzing who’s popular and who isn’t. 

I often heard students saying things like: 

“The popular kids only hang with other popular kids… they don’t let anyone else in their group.”

“I can’t invite her over, because she’s in the popular group, and I’m not.” 

“Only the popular kids get voted onto student council.” 

“The teachers like the popular kids the best.”

And, try telling a middle schooler that popularity doesn’t matter. Because to them, it’s really all that matters. It’s a time when teens are at the height of comparing themselves to everyone around them, and (sadly) all too often, define their worth based on where they fall in the popularity pecking order.

If you have a teen struggling with not being popular enough (in their eyes, anyway), please share these three profound facts about popularity.

1. There’s a Difference Between Being Popular and Being Well-Liked

According to science, there are two types of popularity — status and likability.

Status Popularity is more about establishing a pecking order in the hierarchy of popularity (remember the movie Mean Girls?). It can involve being at the center of attention, having the most followers on social media, or being part of the “cool” crowd. It’s about flaunting your influence, power, and visibility and grabbing hold of popularity regardless of the cost or who you “step on” along the way.

Likability Popularity comes from being kind, genuine, helping others, being accepting and inclusive, and being a good friend. Well-liked kids quite often have fewer but deeper friendships, with others being drawn to them for their authentic personality rather than their social status.

According to Lisa D’Amour, Ph.D. author of the best-selling book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions of Adulthood, “One of the things that we see when we drill down on the research is that often, when a kid says somebody is popular, what they actually mean is that they are powerful – that they make other kids uncomfortable or nervous and so kids want to be their friend so as not to be their target.” 

“Especially in middle school, our kids are pretty focused on who’s popular and who isn’t. Let’s make sure our kids knock “popularity” off its pedestal and instead focus on being likable and kind, inclusive and empathetic. Sure, it might be cool to be called “popular” – let’s just make sure they’re striving for the “right” kind of popularity,” says D’Amour. 

When students question their popularity (I’ve counseled many students about this) I remind them that they might not be getting tons of invites or attention at school, but that doesn’t mean that others don’t like who they are. Tell your teen that it’s not about how many people know their name but how people feel about them based on their character and genuine personality. Other kids who exhibit the same type of genuine personality will be drawn to them.

2. Yes! You Can Be Popular AND Likable

It’s absolutely possible for someone to be BOTH popular and likable, though the two traits don’t always go hand-in-hand. 

Forced popularity relies on seeking attention, fitting into a certain mold, or trying to be someone you’re not for appearance’s sake. Genuine popularity comes from being yourself and letting your natural qualities shine. A person who is popular and likable gains popularity through organic means – by being kind, confident, and inclusive. They don’t have to manipulate situations or people to maintain their popularity because it’s rooted in who they are, not how they act.

3. By Late High School, Most Kids Figure Out the Difference Between Being “Popular” vs. Being “Well-Liked”

At the high school where I work, more often than not, our Homecoming Court is comprised of a mix of kids who are considered to be that wonderful combination of popular and well-liked and kids who are simply well-liked. In other words, middle school kids who were in “the popular group” for the wrong reasons are not usually the ones getting voted by their peers onto the Homecoming Court at my high school.

Interestingly, several of our court members have admitted that early in high school, they never would have imagined being on the Homecoming Court. Although they knew their classmates respected them, they spent many weekend nights at home and even described themselves as lonely. To this day, these kids don’t necessarily get a lot of social invitations, and they definitely wouldn’t consider themselves popular. But they ARE well-liked!

If your teen gets down for not being popular enough, please tell them to continue being the wonderful, caring, inclusive, fun-loving person they are. The difference between middle and high school is that by late high school, their peers are mature enough to recognize the goodness within others and are excited to acknowledge it. 

This is when I see the good in the Homecoming Court tradition – when the student body votes for kids who are respected by their classmates for authentic and positive reasons and when the court offers a nice nod to those kids and can show others that kindness prevails. 

As your teen celebrates Homecoming in the next few weeks, have this conversation with them:

Ask them if they understand and can recognize the difference between being popular vs. being well-liked. Most importantly, make sure they know that no matter what, they will forever be your King or Queen. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

If you enjoyed reading, “Dear Teens, There’s a Difference Between Being Popular vs. Well-Liked,” here are a few other posts you might like!

Dear Teenagers, Not Everyone is Going to Like You and That’s Okay

Dear Teens: I Know it’s Hard, But Not All Friendships are Meant to Last

10 Things I Want My Teenage Son to Know About Life, Love and Friendship