This Post: Am I Too Soft on My Kids? Too Hard? One Mom’s Honest Look at How She Struggles to Parent Her Teens
Written By: Jessica Manning
I’m having a difficult time finding a balance between my two innate parenting styles – tiger mom (as I like to call her) and sweet kitty mama.
I feel sure it’s confusing to my kids.
One minute I’m pushing them to try harder and do more (because I know they’re fully capable) and the next, I’m coddling them because, well… I’m their mama and I love them to the moon and back and I’d do anything for them.
Am I Too Soft on My Kids? Too Hard? One Mom’s Honest Look at How She Struggles to Parent Her Teens
My greatest personal strife arises when my pendulum sways toward tiger mom. Finding the middle ground between pushing my kids to reach their full potential, while not being over-the-top (or pushing them to the brink) is a parenting dichotomy I have yet to master.
As an educator, I’ve worked with enough teenagers to know that there is a middle ground for parents trying to motivate their teens. But as a mom, that line feels so very fine. When I stop and listen to some of the things I say to my kids, I know I sound like a taskmaster:
“I did the math, and if you get a 98% on the next two tests, you can pull an A instead of a B for the semester.”
“Well, I guess if YOU’RE okay with being good instead of great…”
“I know you’re tired after track practice and you still have homework to do, but you can’t miss basketball practice. Hop in the car… let’s go.”
Push, Push, Push… Sometimes, I worry that’s what my kids will remember about me. But I’m so conflicted.
Am I pushing them too hard, not hard enough? Am I expecting too much, not enough? Even when I discipline them… am I too soft on my kids? Too hard?
We dream big dreams for our children, don’t we?
From the moment we hold our babies in our arms, we want the very best for them.
It’s our innermost desire for them to experience happiness, loving relationships, and the self-satisfaction of capitalizing on their inherent gifts to better their own lives while making the world a better place.
Through our own life experiences, though, we know all too well, that nothing in life is ever handed to us on a silver platter – our blessings have to be earned.
That’s why we cringe (and, sometimes, lose our patience) at the mere thought of laziness, unmet potential, or a lack of direction or perseverance in our kids. We CRAVE for them to dream their OWN big dreams and to have the same intrinsic motivation we have for them to chase those dreams.
When I nag my kids, I mean well; I just want them to become who I know they are destined to be. Yet, at the same time, I annoy myself, (in addition to them), because I know it’s oftentimes much ado about nothing in the whole scheme of things.
It’s an internal battle I fight often… amidst all my pushing, I always want them to know they are enough and I love them for who they are. Plus, what kind of message am I sending if I’m constantly pushing my kids? That they’re not good enough? That they don’t make me proud just being them?
Still, I justify my nudging and nagging because it’s about habit formation, the development of resilience, work ethic, and perseverance, right?
So, no… I don’t have all the answers when defining a middle ground between cutting my kids some slack or being too “soft,” and pushing them hard enough to aim high and be everything I know they can be. But when I’m edging toward tiger mom in me, I keep the following points in mind:
Keep Things in Perspective
The rational part of me knows that many of the things I push my kids about won’t matter in the long run. This might sound ridiculous, but when I ask myself how I’d feel about their GPAs if one of my kids were given a terminal diagnosis (yes, my mom brain goes to places like this), my parenting pendulum sways to the sweet kitty mom’s side.
“Will this matter in the long run? Is this more about me than them? What matters is that I’m raising kind, well-adjusted, healthy kids who KNOW they’re loved” – all thoughts that keep me in check.
I Can’t Care More Than They Do
I’ve seen first-hand when parents care more about their kids’ education than the students themselves. It usually doesn’t end well. It’s not much different when it comes to other hopes we have for our kids.
Whether it’s mastering the violin, starting on the soccer team, or striving for good grades so they can get into a “good” college, we can’t will it for them, we can’t force them to try harder, and we can’t live vicariously through our children.
How many times can we encourage (and flat-out push) our kids to practice or study more without it falling upon deaf ears? We can be supportive, offer guidance, and yes, encourage them to TRY, but their efforts will always be a direct reflection of their own personal motivation, not ours.
Focus on the Intangibles
If my nudging and encouragement are really about the long-term benefits I want for my kids, the focus needs to be on their efforts, their grit, or their positive attitudes. This is how we raise intrinsically motivated children.
When my oldest received his AP Human Geography score last week, I was (probably too) excited about his score. But instead of focusing on his score, I reminded him of the awesome effort he put in months ago to prepare; I want him to reflect on his effort and the impact it had.
Let Them Experience Natural Consequences
I’m better at looking ahead than my kids (obviously, because their brains aren’t fully developed.) I know that next December amid basketball season, my son won’t connect how he’s playing, his playing time, whether he starts, etc. to how hard he worked on his game this summer. I also know that if things don’t go his way next season, he’ll feel deflected, and I hate the thought of that.
That’s why I’m nudging him to practice, reminding him that he could be doing more than what he is.
But the only way he’ll ever truly understand the correlation between his efforts and goals is if he experiences the natural consequences of his efforts. It can be so difficult to step aside and let our kids navigate their own paths, but I’m not sure there is a better way for teens to learn.
Sometimes, Just ZIP IT
My husband rarely talks to our kids about their grades. He feels strongly that they have to own them. I, on the other hand, feel like my kids still need our guidance in learning how to study and manage their time. We both care, but I express it differently… and often.
Why is it so much more difficult for me to keep my mouth shut than it is for my husband? Is it just me, or are moms inherently more annoying when it comes to this kind of stuff? I can hardly keep my mouth shut; even when I try. Somehow the reminders and life lessons just seep out of me. Parents, if you find yourself constantly tempted to give your kids motivational speeches and long-winded life lectures, just literally walk away; I’ve learned that it’s the only way I can prevent myself from spewing all my wisdom.
Final Thoughts
The last thing we want is to damage the relationship we have with our teens because they feel as though we’re always on their backs.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with pushing your teen (some teens need pushing more than others). But there is an art to finding that middle ground so it actually benefits your child as opposed to shutting them down. I wonder what breed of cat would be considered in the middle of a sweet kitty and a tiger?
About Jessica Manning
Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis.
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