This Post: Signs You’re Strict with Your Teen: Why It Might Be Causing Rebellion

Do you ever worry that you’re too strict with your teen? Do you wonder if the consequences you’re putting in place are a bit too harsh? Do you fear that your teen doesn’t understand your reasoning for rules and that they’re pulling away? 

I feel certain nearly every single one of us has pondered these questions. Here are a few telltale signs you might be overly strict with your teen and why it might be triggering them to rebel.

Signs You’re Overly Strict with Your Teen: Why It Might Be Causing Rebellion

1. You Have a Zero-Tolerance Policy

Your teen walks in the door 30 minutes past curfew. Instead of sitting down with them calmly and giving them a chance to explain why, you crack down immediately and tell them they’ve lost the car keys for the next week.

What teenagers need is for us to trust them. They need to know they can come to us about anything without us freaking out or overreacting at every turn. They need us to give them the benefit of the doubt and offer some flexibility when they bend or break a rule, depending on the circumstances.

NOTE: That’s not to say there’s never a reason for a zero-tolerance policy. If your teen repeatedly breaks a rule after being warned, you have no choice BUT to be steadfast. 

2. You Have an Excessive List of Rules

Is your list of rules long? Does your teen have difficulty keeping up with every rule, guideline, and boundary you’ve put in place? Does it give you peace as a parent knowing you’re controlling your teen’s every move?

We all want to protect our kids and help them avoid making colossal mistakes that may have a lasting impact on their lives, but our kids won’t thrive in a suffocating environment. They need breathing room. More importantly, there is no internal tool more valuable for our kids than self-discipline, but it only develops with the help of loving limits. Of course, rules and boundaries should be established, but choose them wisely and be willing to give and take depending on the circumstances. 

3. You Don’t Offer Your Teen Age-Appropriate Freedom

Since your son was a pre-teen, you had a no cellphone, 10:00 pm “lights out” rule. Well… your son is now 16 years old. He’s growing up and needs you to stop calling all the shots. 

Teens need the freedom to figure out a few things on their own (and make mistakes… it’s how they learn) and to make age-appropriate decisions that give them some level of control over their own lives. So, whether you’re establishing a curfew for your teen, a “no cellphones in the bedroom” after a certain hour rule, or rules on when your teen should tackle their chores, make sure those rules take into account your teen’s growing maturity, independence, and capability.  

It’s our job to offer our kids age-appropriate freedom. It’s their job to prove to us that they can be trusted with it.

4. You Don’t Take into Account Your Teen’s Feelings, Opinions or Perspective

Your teen is growing up. They’re old enough now to have an opinion on, well… almost everything! Sure, they might lack the worldly wisdom and maturity we have to make sound decisions every time, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t “give them the floor” and hear them out.

It’s how we build trust with our kids. It’s how they come to realize that their voice truly matters. 

With my kids, I’ve always encouraged them to challenge my rules. If my kids can present a solid case, you bet I’ll change my rule. We’re a team. They know I value their feelings, ideas, opinions, and perspectives. 

5. You Parent with a Fear-Based “It’s My Way or the Highway” Iron Fist

When I was a young teen, I had a friend whose parents were incredibly strict. They ruled with an iron fist and let me tell you, my friend fought it tooth and nail. I lost count how many times her parents said, “Fine…you don’t like our rules? Then you can move out.” And, that she did.

At a very young age (too young), she ventured out on her own just to get away from her parents’ clenching grip. Needless to say, she struggled, got into trouble, and made serious mistakes that followed her throughout life. 

Our kids live what they learn, right? If we parent with harshness and fear, how is that different from bullying? At a time in our kids’ lives when they’re facing big decisions, major temptations, and heavy pressure to adult (long before they’re emotionally ready), we should be drawing them closer to us, not pushing them further away. We hold ZERO power to positively influence them or their decisions if they don’t respect, trust, or value our opinions and authority. Put your relationship with your teen above ALL else. Without a strong relationship, nothing else will matter.

6. The Consequences You Put in Place are Unreasonable

Nothing can make our kids feel more frustrated, more resentful, and more likely to pull away from us than when we impart unreasonable, over-the-top consequences that don’t align with the infraction or mistake they made.

Our kids need boundaries and rules. Rules help our kids develop self-control and decision-making skills and offer them a sense of safety and security. Plus, studies have proven kids thrive when they fully understand what’s expected of them and where our “line in the sand” is. However, when they break one of our rules or make a mistake, our goal (and subsequent consequences) should be to teach them, not punish them. We can’t focus more on our teen’s mistakes to the exclusion of their efforts or what they’re doing right.

If your son isn’t getting his homework done, for instance, it makes sense that you’d tell him “No friends over and no going out this weekend until you catch up on all your homework.” 

Is Your Teen Rebeling?

Are They Lying to You?

Are They Sneaking Around?

Are They Shutting You Out of Their World?

When our kids reach their tween and teen years and start yanking that imaginary rope we have tethered around them to protect them, we feel as though we’re losing control.

So, what do we do?

We tighten that tether even more.

We don’t do it, necessarily to control our kids, we do it to protect them.

But in our kids’ eyes, we’re holding them back, suffocating them, and controlling their every move. The truth is, the more we tighten our grip, the harder our kids are going to fight to escape our protective clench. They may learn to obey, but they won’t learn to think for themselves.

It’s a fine line, parents. 

Loosen your grip too much and your teen won’t have boundaries in place to protect them OR prevent them making (colossal) poor decisions. Tighten your grip too much and you’ll potentially push them away, trigger them to sneak around or lie, and make them want to bolt out the door. 

So, what’s what the answer? 

Involve your teen in creating the roadmap.

Be a TEAM.

Create a family belief system… not a family rule system. “In our family, we do “this,” we don’t do “that.” 

Step down from your high and mighty parental pedestal, get eye to eye with your teen, and work together toward a unified goal – to help them become independent, mature, responsible, and caring human beings who can function in society. 

Also, strive to become someone your teen truly admires. Your compassion, your work ethic, your ability to handle the stressors of life, your honor and integrity, and, mostly, your ability and willingness to stick with and abide by rules.

I can assure you, your teen is watching everything you say and do. If you break rules, you’re sending the message to your teen that it’s okay for them to do the same.

We can’t force our kids to be responsible and trustworthy and to follow our rules. They have to want to inherently.

They have to feel part of the process. They have to feel our love, support, and understanding every single day so they know, unequivocally, that we’re there for them, that we have their back, and that we’re not going anywhere.

Mostly, they have to know in their hearts that our love is strong and steadfast... that’s how we raise kids who willingly and lovingly follow our lead.

If you enjoyed reading, “Signs You’re Overly Strict with Your Teen: Why It Might Be Causing Rebellion,” here are a few other posts you might like!

The Five R’s of Punishment: Why Harsh Discipline Might Backfire with Your Teen

Am I Too Soft on My Kids? Too Hard? One Mom’s Honest Look at How She Struggles to Parent Her Teens

Parents, Here’s Why Your Teen Needs You to Stop Calling All the Shots