Teen Boys: The Communication Barrier

If you’re the parent of both boys and girls you’ve likely noticed the huge disparity in the way they communicate with you. While it doesn’t hold true in every single case, typically girls tend to be chatterboxes, whereas boys… well, let’s just say they act like they’re part of the CIA and they’ll have to kill you if they offer up too much information.

Case in point.  When my daughter used to come home from middle school it went something like this:

Me: “Hey hon, how was your day?”

My daughter: “Hey, mom!  What’s up? You won’t believe what happened today!  Brandon threw up in the lunchroom which totally grossed everyone out!  Melissa broke up with Dillon – you know, the boy I was telling you about who was caught drinking in his parent’s basement last weekend? Oh, and my math teacher, Mrs. Sanders – well, she got engaged! Can you believe it? Everybody’s talking about it!  Anyway… are you making meatloaf for dinner? I love meatloaf… but don’t put carrots in it – I really hate carrots. Oh, and I’m so mad! My ELA teacher gave us a huge assignment and only gave us two days to finish it! Like really? Like two days? Is that crazy or what?” 

Me: “Wow, you had an action-packed day!”

When my son walked in the door, however, the conversation was completely different. It typically went something like this:

Me: “Hey, sweetie! How are ya! How was school today?”

My son: “Umm…It was ok.”  Me: “How did you like your lunch? I put those good chips in there that you like.” My son: “They were good, thanks.”  Me: “Do you have a lot of homework?” My son: “Yeah. Some.” Me: “Whatever happened to that friend of yours who got caught cheating last week?” My son: “I dunno.” Me: Did you find out what grade you got on the history project? You really did a great job on that.” My son: “Not yet.”  Me: “Ok…. well then…I’m so glad you had a good day!” My son:  “Yeah… I’m gonna go to my bedroom for a bit.”  Me: “OK babe… meatloaf for dinner!”  My son: “OK.”

Does any of this sound familiar?

It’s literally like pulling teeth to get boys to communicate. And, for parents of teen boys, it can be hugely frustrating. It’s all too easy to take their behavior and lack of interaction personally.

But, have you ever considered “why” your boy acts the way he does?  

Years ago I read a fabulous book about raising boys called, “The Wonder of Boys,” written by Michael Gurian. In the book, he talks about how boys “experience” their feelings and emotions and then went on to describe the eight different ways boys typically “display” their feelings and emotions – each of which is extremely insightful.

However, the one that stood out the most to me… the one I never forgot, is their need to escape to their “cave.”

Going into the Cave Method

Typically speaking, boys simply don’t process information as quickly as girls. In fact, one study showed that it takes boys on average, seven hours longer to process “hard emotive data.” The book goes on to say that boys often feel totally overwhelmed when their mom asks a ton of questions. And, if they have sisters who are chatty and contribute to the “noise” in the room, it only makes matters worse for them.

Boys need time to step away to their “cave” to get away from the stimulation which, if you think about it, explains why at 10 o’clock at night, (approximately seven hours later), when you’re totally exhausted and ready for bed, your boy comes to you ready to talk about his day. (Of course, when he does, we’re so excited and eager to hear what he has to say that we listen, hanging onto his every word trying not to fall asleep!)

Action-Release Method

Boys process and release feelings in quick outbursts of energy. Sometimes they yell at us, fly off the handle or slam their door. Sometimes, their way of escaping is to bury themselves in an activity like playing video games. (Sound familiar?) Even though this may feel like rejection to us, it’s their way of winding down, processing information and refueling their energy after a long day.

Suppression-Delayed Reaction Method

Boys are wired for a delayed reaction and boy brains are wired for problem-solving, which is why they often delay emotional reactions in order to give themselves time to resolve a problem. This might explain why your son could be moody or distant for a period of time only to find out days or even weeks later that something happened at school or with a friend and they’re only now telling you about it.

Displacement-Objectification Method

Boys sometimes need to connect their feelings to the outside world. According to Gurian, if we can get our boys to correlate their feelings to an inanimate object or put his emotional experiences into a story or a movie he recently watched, it helps them remove themselves from their personal feelings and talk about it in a much safer place.

Physical Expression Method

This one, of course, is self-explanatory. When boys become frustrated and need to vent they oftentimes express their feeling physically. Sports or any other activity that allows them to exert their energy, release any pent-up frustration and express themselves physically will offer them the much-needed physical outlet they need to express themselves.

Talking About Feelings Method

As a boy’s brain develops through his teen years, they become less able to connect feelings with verbal communication, which is why trying to talk to your son about his feelings can seem like an impossible feat. In this case, it’s all about timing. Pick a time when your son is most talkative, calm and in a relaxed environment to venture into a subject. As difficult as it is, avoid pressuring him to talk when he’s clearly not in the mood.

Problem-Solving Method

Boys, by nature, are problem solvers.  They see a problem, it bothers them, so they aim to fix it. Once they solve the problem they feel much better. Communicate and work with your son to help him iron out any problems that arise in his life. The more he views you as a “team player” as opposed to “a coach,” he’ll be more inclined to let you into his world and come to you when he’s faced with problems that need solving.

Crying Method

By the time boys reach school age, they rarely cry. In part, because of societal influences, but also because of the way their brain is wired. Boys often process emotion through other avenues as opposed to crying unless they’re feeling completely vulnerable and only in rare cases. However, in the event your boy does cry, be sure to give him your undivided attention. Listen and help him get to the root of his pain. The fact that he’s crying (and crying in front of you), speaks volumes about the heavy emotion he’s feeling.

Communicating with teen boys can be a challenge. But, once you understand why they react and communicate the way they do and better understand how they communicate, you’ll be far better equipped to break through the communication barrier. Above all, understand that your boy is learning how to communicate. Give him the freedom to express himself in his own way at his own pace. With a little patience, understanding, and guidance your son will eventually learn the art of communication.