This Post: The Best Advice If You’re Sending Your First Kid Off to College
Written By: Marybeth Bock
Those last few weeks before you drop your son or daughter off at college can feel so frenzied. You’re trying to do SO much… from finishing up buying things for their dorm room and figuring how in the heck you’re going to pack it all, to ordering textbooks and, of course, savoring every minute with your kid before they leave.
Chances are, your brain is spinning with all the things you still want to say to them. It can be difficult to prioritize all the nuggets of wisdom you want to share along with the (endless) safety reminders, and expressions of pride and love you want them to tuck away in their hearts as they begin this new chapter in their lives.
So, it got me thinking…
What would someone who has counseled first-year college students say to their OWN child before sending them off for their first year? And, what sort of advice would they offer us parents to make this transition easier on us and our kids?
Dr. Traci Lowenthal, a clinical psychologist who has spent time working in college counseling centers and continues to work with college students in her private practice today, offers valuable advice to pass along. It turns out, she’s also about to send her (very first) child off to college this year, so she fully “gets” what we’re all feeling.
Here are a few questions we asked her and the valuable insight and knowledge she shared with all of us “newby” college parents who are sending our first child off to college.
The Best Advice If You’re Sending Your First Kid Off to College
What are a few coping techniques you’d suggest for college kids who are feeling homesick their first few months?
First and foremost – be aware this is completely normal. So many students are overwhelmed and feel homesick – even though no one may speak directly to this experience. Lots of students act as if they are living their best lives – and don’t feel able to be honest.
Allow yourself to feel all the feelings! Know you’re not alone AND be sure to let your family know how you’re feeling. Create plans for FaceTime, visits, and texting – talk with your family at home about how you will feel best supported and create plans together, if possible, around contact and connection.
And, on the flip side, do you have any advice for parents who are experiencing extreme sadness when their child leaves? I know so many parents (including myself) who grappled with this for several weeks.
Again… feel all the feels! This is such a massive transition (one I am experiencing right now, as well). Just like our students, we need to recognize there is nothing wrong with us for feeling this way. Further, using “the good” parts of this as a way to dismiss our pain isn’t helpful. I like the idea of “both, and.”
We can be devastatingly sad AND happy and proud. We can be afraid of this new version of our relationship with our kids, our spouses, and beyond, AND be excited about less laundry and more free time. The point is: ALL feelings we will have are reasonable and valid. Trying to avoid them is also natural.
I recommend parents journal about their feelings or share them with others. Try to find time to feel the emotions, versus shoving them down. I think of emotions we avoid as cardboard boxes filled with liquid, in our “mental attic.” Over time, things will break down and the liquid will leak out in ways that are more likely to create damage. By feeling the emotions of loss and sadness, we can create more space to feel the REST of the other feelings we have. Bottom line: Engage with the sadness, don’t run from it. You can use sad movies or music to open the doors to these feelings or photos of your kiddos. You don’t have to fear the feelings.
So many teens struggle with anxiety these days. What behaviors do you think contribute to that when they’re at college, and what would you say are a couple of habits to adopt to help with it?
Anxiety is typically related to looking toward the future and having no confidence in ourselves to navigate what’s coming.
People will often say to me “I don’t know what I will do if X happens!” I typically gently say, “You will figure it out. You have figured out so many things and whatever happens, you can do that again. You have your own capacity AND a circle of people who love you and will help.
You also have so many resources at school that you can tap into and get support. So, first – breathe. The thing you are most afraid of may never happen. If it does – you won’t be alone in it.
Secondly, when you notice your anxiety, check in with yourself. Are you fast-forwarding? Can you stay in the present moment? Notice things around you like sounds, smells, and colors. Ground yourself in THIS moment. Remind yourself that you CAN and WILL figure it out – on your own or with help. Breathing exercises, walking, and grounding are all good ways to reduce anxiety.
What are a few logistical Dos and Don’ts for parents to be mindful of during this transition?
DO NOT re-do your kid’s room for at least the first year. Kids need to know they have THEIR home/room to head back to. Not a guest room, or a gym where their old bed is. So many kids were hurt by this. They felt like their parents were so eager for them to go. It broke my heart.
Discuss how to handle hard things. If you have an aging pet or older/ill family member, have a discussion with your child about how to share news with them, if necessary. Many of my clients had pets die while they were at school, and parents didn’t tell them until they returned home. They didn’t want to “stress them out” or “distract them from their studies.”
This was CRUSHING to kids – whatever the reasoning was behind it. Say something like this to your child, “You know, we don’t anticipate anything happening – but if Rover gets ill or needs care, or needs something more serious, how would you like us to share this with you?” Some kids want to know right away, others would ask to hear on a weekend, or when they come home. “What do you think you’d want?” The same goes for grandparents, etc.
Many students also shared that shortly after starting school, their parents advised them that they were separating. If this is you – I recommend telling them before they leave, or at least after their first semester. The sense that “everything is falling apart at home” is a real experience for many students. They then feel like they aren’t allowed to add to the heavy load at home and can feel all alone and stop sharing with their parents.
Finally, don’t harp on being grateful. Maybe you didn’t get to go to school the way they are doing, or maybe you’re working your butt off to pay for school. Do not demand gratitude. “You should be so happy I do all this for you. I didn’t get this opportunity, so don’t blow it.” That kind of thing does nothing but damage your relationship with your child. Being excited about things is great – but don’t keep pointing out how lucky or grateful a kid should be.
Is there anything else you think would be valuable for a parent to hear to make this transition to college easier for their child?
My top tips to help your child: Tell them they can do this. Tell them you believe in them. Ask your child what THEY are most concerned about and help them create a plan.
I asked my own future freshman yesterday, “What are most excited about?” and “What are you least excited about?” “Where do you think you will excel?” “What do you think you may struggle with?” Be open about the fact that this transition will have challenges – but that they are challenges you know your child can handle and that you’re always in their front row, cheering them on. You’re always there to assist them in finding solutions – and you know they can do it. This is good for them to hear – and good for you to be confident, as well.
About Dr. Traci Lowenthal
Traci Lowenthal, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in Southern California. She owns and operates Creative Insights Counseling. Dr. Lowenthal was a non-traditional college student while working full-time. Due to her own experiences receiving therapy, she decided to pursue her career as a psychologist. She trained in college counseling centers at The Claremont Colleges and University of La Verne, as well as teaching at the University of Redlands and Loma Linda University. She currently teaches online at Yorkville University in Canada. She has appeared on national television and authored articles and authored two publications of her own. She can be found at @dr.tracilowenthal on IG, @SwearyShrink on TikTok. Here website is creativeinsightscounseling.
About Marybeth Bock
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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