This Post: I Can’t Force My Kids to Listen to Me, All I Can Do Is Focus on Our Relationship
Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community
Looking back, there have been dozens of times my kids haven’t “liked” me. They either fought me tooth and nail on a decision I made, didn’t fully understand my reasoning, or thought I was being too strict.
In truth, I remember feeling the exact same way about my parents, at times, when I was growing up.
I could have rebelled and done whatever the heck I wanted (like a lot of my friends did), but what kept me toeing the line (as a rather spirited wild child) was the respect I had for my parents and the bond we shared. It may sound a bit old-fashioned, but I honored my parents and surely didn’t want to disappoint them.
Fast forward and now that I’m a Mom of teenagers, I’ve realized that my parents did more than a few things right raising me and that’s exactly why I’m following their parenting style.
I Can’t Force My Kids to Listen to Me, All I Can Do Is Focus on Our Relationship
So, how do you instill an inherent “honor system” in your kids so they follow your lead? (Because parents… we ARE the leaders in our kids’ lives.)
How do you get them to respect your wishes and rules and boundaries – even when they pitch a royal fit and want to ignore you?
And how do you maintain a close relationship with them despite the hard and often unpopular decisions you have to make day in and day out?
After all, we can’t force our kids to honor us, respect us, listen to us, and follow our lead. They have to want to. Trust me, if you have a teen hellbent on defying you, they will defy you with or without your approval.
Well, I can’t say it’s been easy, (nothing worthwhile ever is), but I’ve found it IS achievable if you have enough parental perseverance to keep your eye on the prize… your RELATIONSHIP and CONNECTION with your teen.
Here’s how I’m encouraging my kids to listen to me and abide by my rules when the chips are down (especially when they don’t want to).
By being F.A.I.R.
F: FOCUSING On Our Relationship and Connection
Yesss… parents, your teen really DOES want to talk to you!
I’m making sure my kids know how much I love them, that I’m here for them, that I’ll always have their back and that spending time with them laughing, and being silly (a sense of humor is SO important!) watching movies, or just running errands together is something I look forward to and love.
I want them to know I TRULY cherish being with them, that I am their biggest fan, that they can count on me to listen, and that our relationship is and always will be my highest priority.
Focusing on our relationship also means keeping my eye on the end goal. It means compassionately cracking down and putting consequences in place when needed with the goal to teach not judge or punish. It means drawing a line in the sand when they’re determined to cross it and parenting with a whole lot of love, logic, fairness, and consistency so I’m not throwing them any confusing curveballs.
They KNOW what’s expected of them (behavior, responsibilities, and chores) and they can pretty much guess what my reaction will be if or when they blatantly disregard the rules.
A: ADMITTING That I Don’t Have All The Answers
By the time my kids hit their early teen years, they had me figured out. As intimidating as it was as a parent, I KNEW they viewed me much less as a parent and far more as a person which meant I had no choice but to step up as a role model – after all, actions speak far louder than words, right?
Above all, my kids figured out that I certainly didn’t have all the answers.
Instead of shouting from the mountaintops that it’s my way or the highway, I got eye-to-eye with them, admitted that I was learning and growing right alongside them, and that we were a team… a team dedicated to figuring things out together. (When or if we ever disagreed, though, my decision ruled… sorry kids, Mom won’t cave on certain issues.)
Whether it’s establishing rules that give me the mom peace I need to protect them while giving them the freedom to grow or coming up with ways to tackle peer pressure, we work together. They come to me knowing I always try to be part of the solution (not part of the problem) and they find comfort in my willingness to help them with any challenges they face.
I: INSTILLING a Family Belief System
My husband and I have always seized opportunities with our kids (when we’re at the dinner table, driving in the car together as a family, or even chatting about a movie we watched together, for instance) to talk about the things that matter to us as a family.
Things such as showing each other love and respect, not lying to one another or anyone else, having integrity in a world where it seems to be dwindling, and being kind, compassionate, and considerate.
Not only does having a close-knit family who supports and loves one another help when you’re raising (freedom-seeking teens who think they know WAY more than you do), but it also gives them a solid foundation to stand on. And, having an open, respectful family forum to discuss and debate important matters gives teens the “voice” they need so they don’t feel they’re being “told” what to do, but rather, they’re IN on the conversation.
R: RESPECTING My Kids and Expecting Respect in Return
Respect – we can’t expect to receive it if we don’t give it. I respect my kids’ growing need for more personal space, privacy, and autonomy to make decisions that align with their maturity and age – all of which make them feel valued and capable. I respect their ideas, their opinions, and their perspectives. I respect their dreams and goals, even if I question them, at times.
I don’t always respect their decisions (especially the bad ones that make me question whether they really are my child), but I DO respect that those crummy decisions are typically a byproduct of them learning and trying to figure things out on their own, and that DOES deserve respect. It’s about recognizing and praising their efforts and achievements even if they do screw up occasionally.
What I’ve learned is that creating an environment of mutual respect and understanding starts by giving your kids age-appropriate freedom, taking into account their changing needs, and positioning your relationship on such solid ground that if and when you do have to draw the line on certain issues they’ll respect you enough to honor your wishes… even if they DO groan and huff and puff about it.
Your teen may not like all your rules, boundaries, or decisions… and that’s okay. Parenting isn’t a popularity contest. But if they respect you as a person AND as a parent and they know in their heart that no matter what you ALWAYS have their very best interest at heart, they’re far more likely to abide by your rules and follow your lead.
If you enjoyed reading, “I Can’t Force My Kids to Listen to Me, All I Can Do Is Focus on Our Relationship,” here are a few other posts you might enjoy!
Your Teen Really DOES Want to Talk to You: Tips for Opening Up the Lines of Communication
Meet Them Where They’re At: The Secret to Building a Powerful Connection with Your Teen