This Post: The Battles You SHOULD and SHOULDN’T Fight With Your Teen
When you’re parenting teenagers it can sometimes feel like you’re fighting an ongoing battle of the wills.
“I need you to clean your room, it’s a mess.”
“But Mooom… it’s MY room! I should be able to decide if and when I clean it.”
“Have you started studying? You have that big test tomorrow!”
“Geeez, Mom… I said I will! I’m in the middle of a game with my friends.”
The Battles You SHOULD and SHOULDN’T Fight With Your Teen
Our goal, of course, is to raise our kids right.
We want to teach them valuable life skills and instill the importance of integrity, following through, being a good friend, showing empathy and compassion and just staying on track with life’s endless responsibilities (to name a few).
Their goal, it seems, is to fight us every step of the way…
For a lot of parents, the hard part is determining which battles they should fight with their teens, and which ones they shouldn’t fight.
Of course, every parent has their own parenting style. perspective, and ideas on which battles should be prioritized, as a mom who’s weathered the storm of raising three teenagers, I can tell you some mountains just aren’t worth dying on.
Here are the battles you SHOULDN’T fight:
1. The “You Need a Haircut” Battle
I have to laugh when I see teen boys with their hair so long and scraggly that you can barely see their eyes. I find myself tossing an affirming nod and smile to the moms and dads for keeping their priorities straight.
I know it might drive you nuts that your son’s hair is grazing his shoulders or that your daughter wants to dye her hair bright pink, but in the scheme of things, how your teen wears their hair is small potatoes. Oh, and don’t worry about what others think or say… you should be proud of yourself for giving your child the freedom to express him or herself and focusing on way more important things.
2. The “I’ll Wear What I Want” Battle
Unless the clothes they’re choosing to wear are grungy, smelly, or too revealing, let them have fun experimenting with fashion. We certainly did when we were their age!
Plus, keep in mind, your teen is a work in progress. Who they are today is not who they’re going to be in five years, three years, or even next year. They’re likely going to try many fashion styles on for size in the coming years and that’s not only fun, it’s healthy. Let ’em…
3. The “I Don’t Want to Wear a Coat” Battle
When your kid was in elementary school, you bundled them up so tight in cold weather that all you could see was their two eyes peering out of a “Michelin Man” style coat with a hood. But… your teen isn’t in elementary school anymore. They’re growing up and there are some decisions you need to pass off to them.
PLUS, a lot of kids don’t want to wear a coat to school because they either don’t have a locker, can’t fit in their locker or they don’t want to run back to their locker at the end of the day to get it.
4. The Homework Battle
I can hear the mumbling of some parents all the way over here, but hear me out on this one. You’re not going to be on the heels of your teen forever reminding them to do their homework, harping on them to study, or sending texts telling them not to forget to turn in their homework. You have to start slowly loosening your grip now so they can gain the necessary skills to manage this responsibility on their own. If that means getting a big fat zero on an assignment or two, so be it. They need to learn – sometimes, the hard way.
NOTE: If your teen has learning disabilities or desperately needs intervention and assistance with homework and studying, that’s an entirely different story. All kids develop skills at a different pace and we should always stand ready to help our kids if they truly need it.
5. The Messy Bedroom Battle
You walk into their room and trip over all the clothes on their floor. There are cups and a pile of empty water bottles on their nightstand and their closet is a total… well, we won’t even talk about their closet.
I get it! None of my kids were particularly neat and it drove me nuts!
I know some parents may disagree (and that’s okay!) but out of all the battles we have to fight with our kids, this one certainly shouldn’t top the list. With my kids, I made a deal. Every two weeks they were required to clean their rooms including hanging up clothes and doing laundry, washing sheets, and giving it a quick dusting and vacuuming. They felt like they had more control and I could deal with the mess as long as I knew it wouldn’t get too bad. It was a win for us all.
RELATED POST: Hey Teens, Here’s the REAL Reason You Should Clean Your Bedroom
6. The “Sleeping in ‘Til Noon” Battle
I know… I know. Yet, another thing that drives you a little nuts. But is it really the WORST thing your teen could be doing? Plus, remember, your teen’s body is going through massive changes and they’re dealing with a lot of emotional growing pains that aren’t visible to the naked eye… all of which can make them feel worn out.
Unless they’re struggling to get up for school or their sleep schedule is interfering with their daily responsibilities, let them sleep.
Here are the battles you SHOULD fight:
1. The Cellphone/Gaming/Internet Battle
Our kids’ cell phones are their literal lifeline. And, when they’re not on their phones, many teens spend their time searching the Internet or gaming. While it all seems fairly harmless to our kids, it’s easy for their usage to interfere with life and their responsibilities.
If you feel your teen is obsessed with their phone or gaming. If you’re convinced it’s getting in the way of focusing on homework and school. If it’s interfering with their ability to sleep. If it’s preventing them from having any form of hobby, extracurricular activity, or face-to-face friendships, it’s time to step in. Our kids are counting on us to parent and protect them and that means, at times, we have to step in and make tough decisions. Sure, being on their cellphone or gaming is fine, but our kids need a healthy balance in their lives.
2. The “I Can Date and Hang Out with ANYONE I Like” Battle
An abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, a toxic friendship, or a jealous friend who’s wreaking havoc in our kid’s life isn’t something our kids are necessarily adept at spotting… just yet. We can save them a lot of heartache simply by being their wingman and helping them learn to navigate more complex relationships.
That’s NOT to say we should choose our kids’ friends or significant others. What it means is that we should gently help them see relationships for what they are. We have a lot of life experience under our belt. And, as such, we see things our kids don’t see. I know for me, I can spot a bad friend or a bad boyfriend/girlfriend a MILE away!
3. The “Health” Battle
Ahhh… teenagers. They’re at this glorious stage in life when they feel completely invincible. They’re convinced they can eat junk food day-in-and-day-out, stay up until 2 am crashing for a test the next day, and then somehow get up for school the next day and function on four hours of sleep.
Sure, they can pull that off every once in a while, but their physical and mental health is a bit more fragile than they realize. They need us to remind them about the importance of fueling their body with healthy foods, getting enough exercise and sleep, and knowing when it’s time to take a mental health day. If we don’t teach them, who will?
4. The “I Don’t Want to Learn to Adult” Battle
You really have to feel for teenagers. They’re stuck smack dab in the middle of childhood and adulthood and depending on the day (and their mood) they swing between the two. The idea of learning to “adult” can be intimidating to them which means, at times, they’ll dig their heels in the ground and refuse to do things for themselves.
But, there are far too many core and practical skills (like planning ahead, self-control, and building resilience as well as learning how to care for themselves, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and becoming independent) that they need to learn before they leave our tender care. So, yep… they might fight us a bit, but this is a battle we need to keep fighting so they’re prepared to take on this world without us.
These “battles of wills” aren’t always easy to fight… that I know firsthand. But I can assure you, one day your teen will thank you for your willingness to teach them and guide them despite their resistance.
So, parents, stay the course and hold your ground. Your teen is depending on you (even if they don’t realize it just yet) to prepare them for their life ahead.
If you enjoyed reading, “The Battles You SHOULD and SHOULDN’T Fight With Your Teen,” you might like these posts, too!
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