Under Pressure: The Upside of Stress and Anxiety

As a mom in the midst of raising two daughters, I confess my ability to help my daughters manage their stress when they were younger was oftentimes hit or miss.

Whether they were dealing with the pressure of everyday life, school, juggling extracurricular activities or dealing with girl drama, I had a cookie cutter way of helping them navigate through the often tumultuous challenges of life.

You see, I was the fixer. The minute they began to feel stressed or anxious, I jumped in to fix it… or at least I attempted to. It hurt me to see them in any emotional pain or distress, so my ultimate goal was to eradicate it completely.

A few “lessons learned” later, I began to realize that by rescuing them from their emotional distress and being the grand savior of the day, not only was I not helping them, I was hindering their ability to cope and manage their stress on their own.

Under Pressure: Taking the Stigma Out of Stress

A wonderfully insightful new book, “Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls,” written by New York Times bestselling author, Lisa Damour, Ph.D., broaches the very topic of stress and anxiety in young girls today and how we, as parents, hold the power to help our daughters take control of their anxiety by teaching them that stress and anxiety can, in fact, be their friend.

At a time when so many parents are at a complete loss not knowing where to turn or how to help their daughters, Damour’s uplifting perspective offers us (and our daughters) hope.

It’s a harsh reality. Far too many girls are suffering. Sure, our boys are suffering too, but not to the degree that our girls are. One study found that the number of teenage girls who said they often felt nervous, worried or fearful jumped by 55 percent from 2009 to 2014 while remaining unchanged for teen boys.

However, despite the staggering statistics, there is light at the end of the tunnel. According to Damour, “when it comes to reckoning with the mental and emotional pressures our daughters feel, there are no easy answers and no quick fixes. However, when managed effectively, stress can serve as a catalyst for our daughter’s growth and development.”

Finding the Perfect “I Can Handle This” Stress Zone

The key is to find a middle ground. Too much stress and it can become unhealthy, too little and it can actually hamper our daughter’s ability to build resilience and durability.

I’m sure most parents will agree, though, that helping our daughters find the perfect “I can totally handle this” stress zone is like trying to hit a moving target. With hormones fluctuating, teen girls especially have highs and lows that impact their ability to handle the normal ebb and flow of daily life. One day everything in their life is moving along blissfully, while the next day the walls seem to be caving in around them.

Still, Damour contends, that’s okay. Normal developing girls will sometimes have meltdowns. “The good news is that these emotional eruptions, in and of themselves, say very little about their overall psychological health.”

What’s more important is how we react to our daughter’s stress, anxiety and occasional meltdowns when life becomes too much for them to handle. According to Damour, “reacting with alarm to normal difficulties can make them worse and even contribute to a girl’s unhealthy level of stress and anxiety.”

When anxiety kicks in, it’s essentially an alarm that’s being triggered by the stressors in our daughter’s life. The key is to first help our daughters acknowledge and accept the fact that they’re under stress and second, help and encourage them to find practical solutions to quiet the alarm.

For Parents, It’s All About the Tune, Not the Lyrics.

When it comes to helping our daughters manage stress, it’s all about the tune, not the lyrics. The tone in which we engage with our daughters needs to be one of sincere interest, yet calm and comforting with the reality that she needs to face the issue head-on by finding sensible ways to resolve the problem. We also need to take into consideration that our daughters are watching us. How we respond to their worries and fears matters. In fact, it matters a lot. If we freak out, they’ll freak out.

The point being, we need to help our daughters adopt the idea that stress is inevitable and teach them to seek viable ways to manage it effectively.

The next time your daughter tells you she’s completely stressed out about school, her part-time job, or preparing for tryouts next month, remind her that everyone feels stressed or anxious from time to time.  And, for the most part, stress can be a powerful motivator. It’s that stress that motivates her to turn off Netflix after a three-hour marathon so she can study for her big math test tomorrow. That same stress is how her mind and body tells her that she needs to hone in on her soccer skills if she’s serious about making the team.

Feeling stressed or anxious is the red flag that warns us that we’re uncomfortable and that something is wrong. But, rather than rescuing our daughters, overreacting or encouraging them to avoid or run away from their stress, we need to help our daughters learn to appreciate stress and anxiety as the protective mechanism that it is. And, in the end, understand that it’s what will help them build a bit of immunity and resilience which will better equip them the next time they feel stressed or anxious.

Damour’s Insightful Message

Damour’s message is both helpful and profound… it’s time we stop viewing stress as our enemy. Stress can and should be our daughter’s friend. They shouldn’t fear it, avoid it or worse, feel as though something is wrong with them simply because they feel it. They should acknowledge stress when they feel it, find ways to handle it and, if it does turn the corner and become out of control, understand that there are plenty of ways to manage it if it reaches an unhealthy level.

Lisa Damour’s “Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls,” is a must-read for any parent with daughters.

Lisa Damour’s book is truly a delight to read. It offers a refreshing take on the stress girls face today, which oftentimes is unwittingly exacerbated by well-intentioned parents aiming to help their daughters. It sheds new light on the issue of stress and anxiety and offers a ray of hope to both parents and their daughters that stress is not only normal, but it should be embraced and harnessed to strengthen our girl’s confidence and self-esteem.

She touches on the types of stress, the prevalence of stress in girl-to-girl relationships and girl and boy relationships, and the stress of a demanding culture that holds girls to unfair and unwavering expectations. Above all, she offers plain, research-based strategies in a warm and non-judgemental tone that will help us and our daughters come to terms with stress and even learn how to use it as a mechanism to help our girls navigate their path to adulthood.

To purchase your copy of  “Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls” on Amazon click HERE.

NOTE: I was delighted and honored when Penguin Random House, the publisher of “Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls,” reached out to me for my unbiased opinion of the book. Raising Teens Today has not been compensated for this post and the opinions reflected here are my own.