This post: The 5 Powerful Love Languages of Teenagers
The other day I was hanging out in my daughter’s bedroom while she was getting ready to go out with a few friends. While I was chilling out on her bed, she was busy trying on outfit after outfit trying to decide which one she liked best.
“Do you like this one? I feel like this might be too dressy. Maybe I should wear something more casual.”
“What about this one? I think this one is super cute. What do you think?”
Just watching her, thinking about how fast these days are slipping by and wondering to myself how many more times she’ll actually ask for my opinion, I started to get a little sappy.
I said to my daughter, “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
After rolling her eyes for a brief second, (because she knew I was clearly in one of my sappy moods), she said “Yes, mom, I do.”
“But how?” I asked. “How do you know how much I love you?”
“Because you spend so much time with me. You’re always there when I need you – even for the small stuff.”
I never really gave it much thought, but it occurred to me that our special time together – even if it’s just a few minutes a day – means the world to my daughter.
Have you ever stopped to think about what makes your teen feel loved? I mean, sure, we love our kids. That’s a given. But, are we loving them in a way that matters the most to them?
According to Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, “There are only five basic languages of love. Of the five, each teen has a primary love language – one that speaks more loudly and deeply to him or her.”
“Visualize that your teen has an emotional love tank,” says Chapman. “When a teen’s love tank is full – that is, when they feel genuinely loved by their parents – they can make their way through their teen years with minimal trauma. But when a teen’s love tank is empty, they will grapple with internal struggles and typically look for love in all the wrong places.”
After diving into the book, it became blatantly clear to me what my kids’ love languages are. For my daughter, it was clearly quality time. Although I realized it wasn’t the same for my other kids. Each one has different needs. Each one feels most loved in a different way.
Curious what your teen’s love language is? Here is a brief description of the 5 powerful love languages of teenagers.
5 Powerful Love Languages of Teenagers
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Physical Touch
Remember when your kids were young and they crawled into your lap to snuggle? Remember when they adored your hugs, clung to your legs and couldn’t go an hour without feeling some form of physical connectivity to you?
Well… a lot sure has changed since then. Still, despite some teen’s “offish” behavior, there are plenty of teenagers whose primary love language is physical touch.
Sure, they may not seek physical touch quite the same way they did when they were young, but they fill their physical touch bank in other ways. Maybe it’s when they plop themselves down next to you and ask for a back rub. Maybe it’s when they give you a high five when you drop them off at school. Or, perhaps it’s when you’re on the couch with them watching television or silly YouTube videos and they sit close to you – shoulder to shoulder.
Teens whose primary love language is to feel the warmth of their parents’ touch will always find subtle ways to stay physically close and connected.
Quality Time
Teens whose love language is quality time feel the most loved, the most secure, and the most cherished when they spend one-on-one time together with their parents. Just like my daughter loves and craves those small pockets of time we carve out to be together, some teens need to feel that special, individualized connection with their parents.
Whether it’s hanging out in the kitchen making dinner, going for a drive and talking or simply hanging out in their bedroom late at night talking about their day, teens who long for quality time treasure special moments with their parents (even though they’d never admit it). Even if it’s simply a few minutes a day, having that focused attention fills their love bucket to the brim.
Words of Affirmation
When our kids were young, we encouraged them all the time, “Look at you eating with a fork! I’m so proud of you!” “You learned your ABCs. Wow! You’re so smart!” We seem to forget that, for a lot of teens, those powerful words of encouragement are not only what they still want to hear, it’s what they need to hear.
If your teen’s primary love language is words of affirmation, give them what they need. Boost them up, encourage them, tell them they can do it, praise them and tell them you’re proud of them when they’ve done something well or met a goal. Not only will you be giving their self-confidence a big boost, but you’ll also be giving their heart exactly what it needs.
Receiving Gifts
According to Chapman, “Some parents use this language almost exclusively and they’re often shocked to find that their teen doesn’t feel loved.” Although gift-giving isn’t the love language for all teens, let’s face it, when it comes to teenagers and getting gifts from their parents, it holds the power to speak pretty darn loudly for many.
My son, for instance, doesn’t crave a lot of time with me (typical teen boy behavior) and he doesn’t crave my physical touch (although he’ll never turn down a back rub), but what he does love is small gifts – a candy bar left on his desk, a new sweatshirt he’s had his eye on, a new video game or even a couple of dollars tucked in his backpack for helping me out with something. His eyes light up when I surprise him with gifts – clearly one of his primary love languages.
Acts of Service
Some teenagers feel most loved when their parents do small things for them – acts of service Chapman calls them.
Maybe your son loves it when you go out of your way to make his lunch for him every day. Or, maybe your daughter beams when you offer to help her with her language arts essays or she sees that you tidied up her room a bit when she’s totally stressed out.
These small expressions of love, especially when they’re done with a positive, caring attitude, can be just what the teen needs whose primary love language is acts of service. (Don’t confuse spoiling your teen with nurturing and loving them by doing small things for them. As long as you don’t overdo it, you’re not spoiling them. Every teenager, whether “Acts of Service” is their primary love language or not, needs to feel special and adored and loved by their parents.)
Identifying your teen’s primary love language could be the key to connecting with your teen on a much deeper level. By giving them exactly what they need and want, you will be solidifying your relationship with them and filling their love tank to the brim. Not sure what your teen’s love language is? Take Gary Chapman’s online assessment quiz to find out!
2 comments
I’m a grandparent that I have been with my grandaughter age 16 and grandson 14 since the minute they were born watched them from birth until kindergarten. Lately it seems we are seeing them less and hearing from them less. Now their parents have split and it’s gotten more difficult. I feel so sad for all of us what can I do how can we re connect
That must be so hard on you… I can see why you’re upset. I think it gets a little harder to stay connected when kids become teenagers because they start to branch out and have (oftentimes) busy lives of their own. That being said, they still need their grandparent in their life… so, try calling on occasion, Facetiming them, texting or sending them silly quotes or memes. If you live nearby, ask them to stop by on Sunday afternoon for a BBQ, take them out to lunch or offer to spring for them to go to an amusement or water park. Stay in contact with them the best you can and know that things might be shifting a bit as they become older, more independent and perhaps more involved with their friends. It’s all really normal… they STILL love you! xo