This post: Forget being popular – here are 10 tips to be more likable.
You know that scene in the movie “Mean Girls” when Lindsay Lohan (i.e. the new girl at school) is trying to figure out which table to sit at in the cafeteria?
It doesn’t take her long to figure out that where you sit in the cafeteria says a lot about “who you are.”
You’ve got the varsity jocks with their letterman jackets, the cheerleaders, the band kids, preps, nerds, desperate wannabes, theater pack and the brainiacs, along with every other stereotype you can imagine. Then, off to the side at some random table, are the misfits or loners – the kids who don’t blend in with the crowd and who can’t seem to find their niche.
It might be an exaggerated version of the high school social hierarchy, but for most parents (and teens), it’s a reality that hits all too close to home.
We want our kids to fit in. We want them to be social, have friends and find their place in school. Deep down inside, we might even want them to be popular.
But, according to research, popularity isn’t quite as cut and dry as everyone thinks it is. In fact, it’s a lot more complicated than it looks. When you break it down, there are actually two types of popularity.
Some kids are popular because they’re likable – their friends like who they are, they enjoy their company and want to be with them. Other kids seek popularity by fighting to gain coveted status. The girl who uses aggressive behavior to manipulate relationships to gain popularity, the kid who throws the craziest Friday-night parties or the class clown whose goal in life is to have the focus on him – they’ll do anything to be noticed, accepted or approved.
Interestingly, which path to popularity our kids take matters. In fact, it matters a lot.
In one study, they identified the long-term differences of people who gained popularity by being likable versus those who fought for status and found that “people who sought to be more likable tend to end up healthier, in better relationships, with more fulfilling work down the road, and even live longer.
Status-seekers, on the other hand, often end up anxious, depressed and sometimes even develop addiction problems.”
And, since status-seeking popularity is far easier to achieve than putting forth the long-term effort to be likable, a lot of teens gravitate toward the quick-fix status-seeking route.
What can parents do to steer their kids away from the shallow path to popularity and help them focus on embracing who they are and seek long-term meaningful relationships with like-minded kids?
For starters, we can reboot our kids’ perceptions and biases about popularity and help our kids by offering tips to be more likable. We can help them seek friendships outside of Instagram and Snapchat, talk to our kids about the vast difference between status and likability and, like Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood says, we can “give our kids a good reason to take popularity off its pedestal.”
It might seem like some kids are born with an inherent charisma that makes being popular seem all too easy. But it turns out, likability is a skill that can be learned just like any other skill. By following a few simple tips to be more likable, we can almost guarantee your child will start to build more meaningful relationships.
To help your teen focus more on being likable (and less on the quick-fix popular path), pass along these 10 tips so they can be someone everyone wants to get to know, be with and hang around with.
#1 Be Friendly
For starters, smile more often! Also, make more eye contact and use facial and body gestures to engage with people. Anyone who comes off as stone-faced, snobby or uninterested isn’t going to win any “friend of the year” awards.
Even if you feel uncomfortable in a certain situation or are more reserved by nature, remember that others are developing an impression of you and you want to present yourself as friendly and approachable. Be brave. Be genuine. Let your guard down and don’t be afraid to let others get to know you.
#2 Be Humble and Kind
Tim McGraw’s top hit song has an important message to share. People who are well-liked aren’t ones to grab the spotlight every time it shines. Take a backseat to the glory when it comes your way and share the stage with others. Whether you’re the only kid in class who scored an “A” on a crazy hard test or you just scored the winning touchdown, take the compliments and praise graciously and then move the focus off of yourself to those around you. The bottom line is, likable people are humble and know how to accept praise without bathing in it.
#3 Be Real
In a world where so many people go through life faking it (a practice that perpetuates loneliness), just be real. As tacky as it sounds, your authenticity is the one thing that makes you unique. Use it to your advantage!
Don’t “go along just to get along,” which will ultimately make you very forgettable. Instead, every time you engage with others, make it a point to share one thing about yourself that makes you “you.” Do you love a weird type of food? Do you cry at sappy movies? Do you freak out and have an anxiety attack every time you have a big test? (Chances are, you’re not alone on that one.) Divulging a little about yourself (hint: don’t open the floodgates) and showing vulnerability can go a long way in building connections with others.
#4 Kick-Off the Conversation
Knowing how to start a conversation is key to becoming more likable, making new friends, and instilling a sense of connection with others. Ask the kid sitting next to you in your math class, “Hey, I was lost on number four on the math test, what answer did you get?” Ask the kid standing in front of you in the cafeteria line, “The pizza looks like cardboard, what have you tried here that’s good?”
The point is, get the conversation rolling with open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”). As a general rule of thumb, ask questions that begin with who, what, where, when and how.
#5 Learn the Right Way to Listen
When it comes to tips to be more likable, learning to listen the “right” way tops the list.
Chances are if I asked you to rate your listening skills, you’d probably rate yourself pretty high. But, heads up, being a good listener is more than simply being quiet while the other person speaks.
In fact, the best listeners are people who actually take part in the conversation, ask questions and use facial expressions and body language to show their interest. Good listeners make the other person feel valued and supported and they walk away from every conversation making the other person feel better about themselves than they did before. Listening… I mean really listening, is a skill that takes a bit of time. Master it, and you’ll be one step closer to being super likable.
#6 Adapt to Your Surroundings
Being likable has a lot to do with being flexible as opposed to stubbornly “being who you are.” Research has shown that kids who appear to be naturally likable social butterflies have a way of putting on somewhat different faces for different audiences. “They understand when to put on which face, without ever appearing shallow or false to others and without feeling like a fake or fraud.”
In short, you need to become sensitive and aware of social cues and get the hang of working a room and feeling the “vibe” of your surroundings.
#7 Ditch Your Cell Phone and Look Up
If you’re like the average teen who spends upwards of seven hours on their cell phone a day, you’re probably not going to make a lot of new friends or appear very likable to those around you. Instead of constantly scrolling through social media and “acting busy” with your nose in your phone, step away from your device and focus on the people in front of you.
Socialize. Mingle. Engage. And, when you’re talking with someone, commit to the conversation and give them your full attention as opposed to acting totally distracted or disinterested, which will only make the person you’re talking to feel unimportant and deflated.
#8 Practice Acceptance
Not everyone is like you. Not everyone looks like you, speaks like you, learns like you, thinks like you, or believes the same things as you do. Once you begin to not only accept this reality but embrace it with the idea that you can broaden your world by exercising open-mindedness, you’ll start to promote deeper connections and ultimately become far more likable.
Step into other people’s worlds. Get to know their point of view and let their voice be heard without passing judgment. Not only will you be viewed as personable and approachable, but you’ll also likely learn a thing or two in the process.
#9 Be the Steady One
You’re a teenager which means you’ve got mood-swinging hormones that have a way of knocking you off balance. But if you really want to be likable, you’ll need to practice (or at the very least, try) keeping those unpredictable, short-tempered mood swings in check.
You won’t be viewed as very lovable if you’re constantly battling another bad day. In fact, most kids within twenty feet of you will avoid you like the plague. No one says you have to put on an air of happiness all the time, but it’s also not in your best interest to let your ever-changing moods control you. Be honest with yourself and your friends. If you’re having a crummy day, admit it and give yourself some space. Don’t spread your doom and gloom around like a Twinkie in the lunchroom.
#10 Greet People By Name
According to Dale Carnegie, “A person’s name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality.” So, the next time you see someone you know, instead of saying “Hey dude… wassup?” you might want to try using their name.
When it comes to offering solid tips to be likable, this one may seem all too easy… but it works! Greeting people by name – both when you see or approach them and during conversations – is a great way to make others feel important and valued. Above all, if you learn to take the focus off of yourself and place it on those around you, you’ll be viewed as far more down-to-earth, approachable and likable.
Let’s give our kids a good reason to take popularity off its pedestal.
~ Lisa Damour
If you enjoyed this post, here are a few other posts you might want to check out!
How to Help Your Teen Set Boundaries with Friends (Especially if They’re Too Nice)
Do you have any more tips to be likable that you’d like to share? Post them in our comments section below!