This Post: Teen Boys and Friendship Drama: 6 Tips on How to Handle It
Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community
I really hoped having two sons meant that they would escape the emotional and exhausting drama so common among teen girls – the same drama I suffered as a teenage girl.
You know, the hurt feelings, the gossip, the feelings of rejection, being left out, uninvited, and forgotten.
Boys don’t go through that, right?
At least, that’s what I thought.
Until I had boys….
Teen Boys and Friendship Drama: 6 Tips on How to Handle It
Yes! Teen Boys Deal with Friend Drama, Too!
It had been a long night. We just arrived home after attending my 14-year-old son’s away basketball game. It was late. I was tired. All I wanted was to eat my guilty pleasure, a Taco Bell crunch wrap, take a quick shower, and fall into my comfy bed. However, after nearly an hour’s drive of silence and even more telling, my son refusing to eat B-grade fast food, I realized something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Bud, do you wanna talk about it?” I asked.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and shared that his three best friends were having a sleepover the following weekend… and, he wasn’t invited.
I know my boy well. And, I know this bothered him immensely.
You see, despite towering over me and looking all too grown up, he still possesses the tender heart of a toddler, and he still seeks my hugs to comfort him when the world is less than perfect or he becomes overwhelmed.
When he confessed how hurt he was, I was immediately whisked back to my own junior high years where the sting of rejection still simmers in my mind. It’s truly heartbreaking – feeling that your friends didn’t inadvertently forget about you but rather deliberately left you out of their plans.
So, what is a mother to do?
My first instinct was to call the boys’ moms and give them a piece of my mind! Only, I knew that surely wouldn’t help my son, not to mention it would anger and embarrass him and make him think twice before he shared anything with me in the future.
Words of encouragement and empty platitudes of: ‘This happens to everyone’, and ‘Don’t worry, things will get better,’ didn’t seem to hit the mark of comfort and assurance that I wanted to offer and that my son so desperately wanted to hear.
These are the tough lessons. The lessons that only experience can teach. And yes, sometimes those lessons are painful.
I know many of you parents have experienced far worse drama – both with your boys and girls.
But the reality is that those feelings of rejection, nights of tears on the pillow, and wondering ‘Why don’t I fit in?’ that every child goes through are the reasons we truly wish we could take it all upon ourselves and spare our precious teens the heartache.
Only, how would they learn?
How would they know how wonderful it feels to be included if they were never left out?
How would they feel empathy for others who are hurting, if they never experienced the pain of feeling rejected?
How would they begin to realize the frailty of friendships – especially in middle school – and that some friendships simply aren’t meant to last forever?
How would they learn to deal with drama and friendship conflicts if they didn’t have to face them head-on?
How would they ever learn to protect their emotional well-being by putting boundaries in place when friendships become complicated and/or unhealthy?
Listen, I’m not saying drama or the pain associated with it is a good thing. But sometimes, as parents, the best lessons we can teach our kids are that they cannot control other people’s actions and sometimes, life isn’t easy.
The fact is, teen boys deal with drama, too. If your son is dealing with drama (and being left out), here are 6 ways to handle it with grace:
1. Don’t Make Matters Worse
It’s easy to fuel the situation by getting upset, threatening to contact the other kid’s parents, or ranting about how terrible your teen’s friends are. But don’t. What your teen needs now is reassurance. Let them know that friendships during the teen years are often tumultuous and that everyone feels left out at times. Keep in mind, too, that this very well might be an isolated incident that will eventually blow over.
2. Choose the Right Time to Talk
My first inclination was to force it out of my son, but I could tell he wasn’t ready to open up. He needed time to process the pain. So, I patiently (actually, not patiently) waited until we got home to ask him what was bothering him. That’s when the floodgates opened.
Let your teen take the lead on timing… when they’re ready to open up, they will.
3. Lead with Empathy
Our kids (and us) might assume the worst. Mainly, that the drama (in this case, being left out) is intentional. But that’s not always the case. Encourage your teen to ponder the “what ifs.” (Maybe his friends thought he had an out-of-town away game and couldn’t make it anyway so they didn’t bother to ask.) Also, encourage your teen to consider if their behavior is playing a role in them being excluded. (Could it be that he’s always staring at his phone or that he’s negative or judgmental when he’s with his friends?)
Make sure, also, to encourage honest and open communication between your teen and friends. “Hey, I overheard you guys talking about having a sleepover next weekend. I was just wondering… is there a reason I didn’t get an invite?” NOTE: If your teen notices a definitive pattern in the relationship and is being left out more often than not, it might be time to reconsider the friendship(s). It’s okay to walk away.
4. Take His Mind Off His Pain
Sometimes, the only way out is to go through it… and that means finding the inner strength to keep going. You can help your son by suggesting he does something that brings him joy. Maybe it’s chilling out in his room playing video games. Maybe it’s grabbing a burger at his favorite restaurant. Or, maybe it’s catching a movie he’s been dying to see. Make it a mom/son date night if he’s up for it. Copious amounts of junk food and entertaining distractions can work wonders with teen boys.
5. Share Personal Stories
This may not stifle the pain of a hurt heart, but it can prove the point that everyone goes through these moments of feeling left out. Pinpointing a time in life (when you were around your son’s age) to share s similar experience can make him feel less alone.
6. Just Be There for Them
Sometimes all our teens need is for us to listen. Let them pour their feelings out. Validate them. Understand them. Feel those feelings for and with them. This is one of the greatest means of therapy we can offer as parents. As much as we wish we could fix all the hurts in our sons’ lives, sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be there and listen with a loving heart.
I wish I could heal my son’s heart, but this is yet another one of life’s many lessons he needs to learn.
He will get through these tough times, he will become stronger and more resilient as a result of them and he will learn to protect his heart and peace, in time. In the meantime, all I can do is support and guide my son and, mostly, love him through it all
If you enjoyed reading, “Teen Boys and Friendship Drama: 6 Tips on How to Handle It,” here are a few other posts you might like!
Dear Teens: I Know it’s Hard, But Not All Friendships are Meant to Last