To The Lonely Moms Raising Teenagers, I See You

This post: To the lonely moms raising teenagers, I see you.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I felt truly connected to other moms.

Standing outside my kids’ elementary school, all the moms would gather with their messy buns, sweats and stained shirts and we’d openly chat about daily life with our kids – how one mom cleverly got her kid to eat his vegetables, the latest sales on kid’s clothes or how another mom found a genius way to manage homework meltdowns with her kids.

There wasn’t much pretense – we were just open and honest with each other. We were all struggling and we weren’t afraid to openly say it.

Day in and day out – regardless of whether it was bitter cold outside, hotter than blazes or humid as hell, we stood outside sharing the highs and lows of parenting and lifting one another up.

Looking back, I think we all clung to those brief moments with a vice grip.

They were our lifeline to sanity. They reenergized us when we needed it most, comforted us when we were crumbling and offered validation that we weren’t on our parenting journey alone. They made us feel normal.

Now that my kids are older,  what I wouldn’t give to have that unpretentious unity and openness with other moms. 

Little did I realize at the time that the camaraderie and solidarity I felt with other moms would slowly fade as my kids grew older.

Little did I realize that although I was able to grab a few moments here and there with other moms when I volunteered or sat on the bleachers, most of the time life was so busy we either didn’t have time to get together or when we did, we were too dog tired.

Little did I realize that as the stakes grew higher with our kids, the competitiveness among parents would grow higher as well.

Little did I realize that parents would become so hyper-focused on helping their kids build the perfect college resume (not because they necessarily wanted to, but because they felt they had to) that they wouldn’t have as much time for one another.

Little did I realize that those handful of poor decisions some of our kids made on their journey to adulthood would be the topic of behind-the-scenes conversations among other parents, labeling them as poor influences or “bad seeds.”

Little did I know that other parents would refrain from sharing and, in some cases, even become tight-lipped about their teens – either to protect their teen’s privacy or because they were embarrassed and didn’t want the world to know their struggles.

Little did I know that the friends and support I took for granted and thought I’d be able to rely on forever would evaporate into the thin air leaving me feeling more alone than I ever felt as a parent.

At a time when moms need each other the most – when they’re trudging through the exhausting, tumultuous and confusing teen years with their kids – there just doesn’t seem to be a lot of other moms to turn to.

In this stage of parenting, you’re fortunate to have even one friend you can share the ebb and flow of life and parenting with. And, those friends are truly a blessing.

But for a lot of lonely moms raising teenagers, the silence is deafening…

What they wouldn’t give to talk about how they found a condom in their daughter’s backpack, how their son never seems to leave his room and they’re worried sick something is really wrong, how they can’t motivate their kid to do his homework and now he’s failing two classes or how they know their kid is doing drugs but they don’t know whether to haul them off to rehab or pass it off as just another phase.

What a comfort it would be just to have someone listen.

Everyone, regardless of how perfectly manicured their lawn looks from the outside, struggles on the inside at least some of the time. Oh sure, we put up quite a front on Facebook and Instagram showing the world only what we want them to see, but behind the scene, turbulent waters have a way of running deep – especially when you’re raising teenagers.

Our kids are growing, learning, making mistakes and finding their way.

Shouldn’t we realize that the road to adulthood is filled with unpredictable winding curves, potholes, steep hills and slippery spots that can trigger our kids to veer out of control?

Shouldn’t we realize that the phrase, “it takes a village,” was probably coined by a parent of teenagers?

Shouldn’t we realize that my kids, your kids, their kids are all “our” kids and that we should be a parent to all?

Shouldn’t we realize that good kids are capable of making bad decisions and that those decisions are so often temporary detours and shouldn’t follow them through life?

Shouldn’t we realize that gossiping about someone else’s kid doesn’t help and what we should be doing instead is lending an ear to the struggling mom, dad, child or siblings?

Shouldn’t we realize that all parents of teens are trudging through the same trenches and that we should be supportive and understanding of each other?

When we lend an ear when life gets tough, offer a shoulder to lean on when we’re weak or cheer at the top of our lungs when a child finds success, we’re building a concrete bridge that’s strong, resilient and able to endure hurricane-force winds – not only for each other, but for our kids.

Motherhood is by far the most wonderful and rewarding experience of all, but it’s also the hardest.

Let’s be there for each. Let’s change our perspective and remind ourselves of the strength we have when we stand together. Let’s call a mom, let’s ask her how she’s doing, and let’s remind her she’s not alone.

We’re all in this together. Let’s help each other feel that way.