Moms of Teens: Not Everything Matters, Just Focus on the Good Stuff

When my kids were young, I swear I cared about everything…

I cared how many servings of fruit and vegetables they were getting every day, that they hung up their wet towels after taking a shower, and that their bedrooms were always picked up. I monitored every single grade, kept up with who they were hanging out with, and made bloody well sure they were getting enough fresh air. Heck, I even made sure they crawled into a freshly made bed every night.

I was on top of everything. Boy, have things changed (thankfully, for my kids’ sake).

It’s not that I don’t care anymore. I care deeply about a lot of things when it comes to my kids – just not the same things I cared about when they were young.

Now that my kids are teenagers I view life through an entirely different lens.

The days with my kids under my roof are fleeting. Soon enough my messy house, the overflowing dirty clothes in the laundry basket, the hours I spend in the car driving them to the end of the earth, and the endless grocery shopping I do just to keep my refrigerator full will all be a thing of the past.

Soon enough the house will be quiet. Too quiet.

They’ll venture off to college, outgrow their dependency on me and create a new world of their own that doesn’t involve me nearly as much as it does today.

And, even though I know that’s how it’s supposed to be, I also know that no matter how much I try to prepare myself when the time comes I won’t be ready.

I’m going to miss the constant chatter in the house. I’m going to miss the pile of papers, books, and backpacks on the counter. I’m going to miss the messy bathrooms with globs of sticky toothpaste and the to-do list that never seems to get done.  

I’m going to miss a lot of things. Things I never thought I’d miss. Things I used to complain about. Things I used to argue with my kids about. Things I used to think mattered.

After nearly two decades of raising my kids, I’ve come to realize a thing or two about what’s really important – mainly, that some things should matter far more than other things and that it’s all too easy to get caught up in the “busy” of our everyday lives so much so that we focus on petty details and miss the good stuff.

It’s taken a while for me to get here. 

It took years of caring about a bunch of silly things that I thought mattered at the time.  And, even if I went back and told my “younger mom self” not to care so much about those silly things, I still would have done it anyway.

The revelation of what’s really important happened over time. But, when my kids hit their teen years, reality really kicked in. That’s when I realized that I don’t have as much time with my kids as I once did. Every precious moment is slipping through my fingers and I can never bring them back. It seems like yesterday I was in my 30s raising my young kids thinking I had all the time in the world and wondering how it would someday be when they were teenagers. And now, in a blink, someday is today. And, soon enough someday will be yesterday.

Now that my kids are teenagers, here are a few “honest truths” that I’ve come to realize.

I’ve realized that the time I have with my kids is brief and that I don’t want to spend my days nagging them about ridiculously unimportant things like a few wet towels they forgot to hang up, putting the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste or whether they’re wearing the same sweatshirt to school two days in a row.

I’ve learned that my kids are only mine for a little while and even though there are a million things I want to teach them about life before they leave my tender care, my main goal is to teach them to be kind – to family, friends and even strangers on the street, to get along with others, to embrace their differences and those of others, to face this world with humility and be grateful for each new sunrise.

I’ve realized that grades may be important, but they’ll never define who my kids are and that a simple letter, ACT or SAT score, or GPA will never fully encapsulate my kids’ abilities or serve as a measurement of their future success. 

I’ve realized that having a strong relationship with my kids is my ultimate goal which means I need to dig down deep for patience when I haven’t any left to spare, listen before I talk, think before I react, and have faith that all the lessons that I’ve instilled in them since they were toddlers will sink in and guide their decisions through life.

I’ve learned to block out what every other parent is doing, follow my own parenting path, and focus on what’s important for my kids and my family.

I’ve learned that everything pales in comparison to our time together. Once it’s gone we can never get it back. Grabbing a few minutes before they head off to school, playing a silly card game, taking a road trip, or having dinner together as a family – whether it’s five minutes or five hours – I’ll take every moment because time spent with my kids is time I’ll never regret.

I’ve learned that all the while I thought I was teaching my kids, they were teaching me, too.

So many lessons they’ve taught me without even realizing it – lessons about my capabilities as a mom, about holding on to your childlike spirit with a vice grip because that’s the secret of youth, about finding a little piece of adventure in every day and that dancing with your kids in the kitchen to blaring music is the kind of therapy every mom needs.

I’ve learned that how I view myself is not how my kids view me. My kids love me just the way I am. They haven’t seemed to notice that I have a few more wrinkles around my eyes or that I’ve put on a few pounds in the last few years or that there are days when an afternoon nap isn’t just a luxury, it’s a necessity. I love my kids unconditionally and they love me unconditionally as well.

I’ve learned that although I question myself as a parent often enough, my kids are on the right path. I must have done something right, at least up until now. Sure, they have some growing up and maturing to do, and they’re still capable of making poor decisions, but they’re smart, competent, and ready to take on this world without my constant intervention. This is my time to take a step back and let them take the reins in their life.

Lastly, I’ve learned that this is one journey that doesn’t have to end. I’ll always be by their side cheering them on and loving them with all my heart. There’s a bond between us that can never be broken – we’ll always have each other and I will always be their mom.