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Moms, Don’t Apologize – You’re Doing the Best You Can

by Nancy Reynolds September 27, 2017
3.7K

 

There’s a lot of be sorry for in life. Being a mother isn’t one of them.

For whatever reason, lately, I’ve become keenly aware of the number of women – particularly moms – who seem to apologize for, well… nearly everything.  

Honestly, I find myself apologizing far more than I should too and, frankly, I’m becoming quite irritated with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating against apologizing altogether, but rather, just when it’s completely unnecessary, which inadvertently sends the self-criticizing message that you’re somehow worthy of blame when you’re not. 

When I was younger and my children were little I used to apologize all the time.

As a new wife and mom, I put my best foot forward to be a great wife and mom, an amazing friend, a terrific neighbor, a caring sister, and so on, and so on… If someone dropped by and I hadn’t had time to shower yet, I apologized for my appearance. If my house was a total mess and there were dishes in the sink, I apologized. If I didn’t have an opportunity to call a friend back because my kids were up all night throwing up, I apologized.  If I returned a shirt at a store because I changed my mind, I found myself, yet again, apologizing. And, for what?

Although I don’t apologize nearly as much as I used to – perhaps it’s a byproduct of birthdays  – I still find myself saying it and, oftentimes, later question why I felt the need to apologize for something that clearly wasn’t my fault in the first place.

It’s a perplexing question… why is it that these two words seem to roll off of our tongue far too easily and frequently?

Research at Harvard Business School shed some interesting light claiming that as women we apologize in part due to certain personality traits that we possess. In essence, women who are more compassionate, eager to please or agreeable often fit the profile of the perpetual apologizer. It also goes on to say that women use the words, “I’m sorry,” as an icebreaker in a conversation or as a means to build or maintain trust in a relationship.

Maybe the research holds true for some women, but I’m not sure Harvard has me all figured out. The reason I apologize as often as I do is out of sheer habit. I’m a self-professed “people pleaser” and have become so accustomed to saying it for so many years that it’s become second nature.

As parents of teenagers (or as parents of children of any age, for that matter), haven’t we finally earned the right to stop apologizing?

Isn’t it time we stop being so hard on ourselves and break free from the chains of self-criticism? Perhaps it’s time for us to rid ourselves once and for all from this people-pleasing-tendency that seems to plague so many of us.

So, the next time you find yourself about to apologize for something you shouldn’t be apologizing for, bite your tongue!  Here’s a list of things we all need to vow to stop apologizing for:

Your Children

It’s time for a reality check – none of us have perfect kids. So, why do so many of us feel guilty or compelled to constantly apologize when our child makes an innocent mistake, doesn’t use perfect manners or pulls a totally teen stunt that embarrasses us. I know… deep down inside we all feel that our children are somehow a reflection on us, but let’s not forget, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I like to look at it this way – every teenager out there is a work in progress. We should embrace their imperfections and stop trying to present them, or ourselves, in a Pinterest-perfect light.  It’s okay for our kids to have an off day and it’s definitely okay for them to be imperfect at such a young age. Frankly, I’d be more concerned if they were perfect.

If Your House is a Disaster

Who cares if you have four loads of laundry piled on your couch that need to be folded or that you have enough crap on your kitchen counter that you can barely see the stove? Who are you really trying to impress anyway? Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Are you so focused on creating an illusion of perfection that you’re missing out on life’s most important moments?  It’s time to let go of perfection and embrace the “real” you – messy house and all!

If You Can’t (or Don’t Want to Cook) Like Martha Stewart

I know some moms who hate cooking and would prefer to eat out seven nights a week. I know other moms who love preparing a home-cooked meal for their family and spend several hours a week planning the family meals. As for me? I stand somewhere in the middle. I tend to run in spurts, which is the way I feel many moms are. I’ll cook amazing meals for three weeks straight and then something snaps and I’m suddenly reaching for the box of Mac n’ Cheese or driving my kids through the nearest drive-through. The daily work of feeding children tends to take its toll on the best of us, so if your idea of a great meal is a two ingredient skillet that takes four minutes to prepare or you’ve decided to pick up take-out for five nights in a row, don’t apologize. As moms we all have our strengths. If you’re not a master chef and cooking simply isn’t your thing, so be it.

Your Imperfections 

So what if you put on those five extra pounds over the holiday season – that cheesecake was calling your name! So what if you haven’t had a chance to get to the gym in the last six months or that you haven’t put makeup on in the last ten days because you’ve been helping your child apply to seven different colleges and the piles of paperwork has left you drained and exhausted. Every woman I know goes through periods of ups and downs with respect to her appearance. For me, some days I look totally put together, other days I look like I’ve been run over by a school bus – twice.  Take the pressure off… it’s okay to have off days. It’s okay to be “you.”

Standing Your Ground

At some point or another, we’ve all had to stand our ground. And, when we do, oftentimes that inherent feeling of guilt creeps up on us and we end up apologizing for saying something that needed to be said. Perhaps it’s because we have a fear of being perceived as a total witch, but we really need to get past that. Standing up for yourself – providing you exercise your right with a little decency – is a sign of self-respect. So, stand your ground, mamas!

Taking Time for Yourself

You’ve been asked by a group of friends to meet out for drinks on Friday night. As much as you want to go, you’ve had a rough week, you’re tired and the idea of chilling out, watching a movie and eating a big bowl of ice cream sounds so much better. Just say, “no.”  Respecting your own limitations and putting yourself above others is a sign of self-love and just plain good for you. As mothers we give of ourselves all day long, week after week, month after month. Taking time to pull back and relax is a rite of passage when we become moms and something we should never apologize for or feel guilty about.

Being a Working or Stay-At-Home Mom

I’m always baffled at how many moms feel guilty and compelled to apologize for choosing not to work. Anyone who is a mother understands that raising kids today (especially teenagers) is a full-time job in itself that is oftentimes far more exhausting than most nine-to-five jobs. So why the guilt? Embrace your decisions, embrace your life, embrace your choices and don’t apologize to anyone.  This is your life. On the flip side, don’t apologize if you’ve chosen to hold down a career and family – it’s awesome that you have the ability to juggle life the way that you do.  Stop trying to live up to anyone else’s ideas or standards about the way you should live your life.

Being Emotional

No one says you have to be the Rock of Gibraltar day in and day out. In fact, most people find it endearing and enjoy being around others who fess up when they’re feeling sappy, having a totally crummy day or having one of those days when anyone and everyone seems to be ticking you off. We all have those days from time to time. Let’s stop apologizing for our feelings and emotions and embrace the normal ebb and flow of motherhood. We owe it to ourselves!

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