A mother’s job is to teach her children not to need her anymore… the hardest part of that job is accepting success.
From the day they were born you relished in every major milestone in their life. From their first word and their first step to their first day of school and their first dance.
You’ve been their guidance counselor, chauffeur, short-order cook, maid, doctor, referee and shoulder to cry on. You’ve nurtured, guided and taught them to be independent and confident tenderly teaching them how to feed themselves, tie their shoes, how to drive and showing them how to do laundry. So much love, so much history…
Why then, after everything you’ve done for them and all the years you’ve invested in their success and happiness, won’t they call you now that they’re in college? You text, you email, you leave messages – no response.
If you’re like most parents you’re feeling frustrated, worried or even just plain angry. But, seasoned moms who’ve been in your shoes have found that as hard as it is to lose that day-to-day interaction with your child, try to be patient.
According to College Parent Central, there are a few reasons you may not be hearing from your child:
- They’re spreading their wings, adjusting to their new life, exercising their freedom and embracing the independence you’ve spent the last 18 years preparing them for. You should be thrilled!
- Your child could be homesick (which, by the way, is quite normal) and calling or talking to family is difficult. If this is the case, frequent calls home may make the transition that much more difficult so it’s easier for them to limit calls or even avoid them altogether.
- Sometimes it has more to do with you. When you do chat with your child, what is the tone of your voice? Are you grilling them about every aspect of their life? Do you remind him/her of all the things they should or shouldn’t be doing? Are you throwing the guilt trip on them complaining that they don’t call enough? If so, maybe it’s time to adjust the conversation so your child actually looks forward to talking to you.
- Things may not be going well for your child. Maybe he or she is struggling academically, finding it difficult to make friends or the overall adjustment is harder than they imagined – in which case, whatever you do, don’t panic! Most colleges have programs in place to help students make the transition. Plus, more often than not, kids work through the transition just fine – it just takes some time.
As your child makes the transition into college, don’t beat yourself up for needing to hear their voice occasionally.
Just remember, do your best to step back and give your child the freedom to do this on their own. Allow them to set the pace of communication. For some kids that might mean once a day, for others it might mean once a week or even less. You’re still “mom” or “dad” and you always will be, but the tide has shifted and so has your role. Consider yourself less of a day-to-day involved manager and more of a sideline coach helping them as needed.
The good news is most kids transition into college beautifully.
According to a “First Year College Study” conducted by the Higher Education Research Institute at UCLA, although the first year of college is a time of adjustment as students attempt to balance academic challenges with new levels of personal freedom and responsibility, 65% of students reported that they found it “very easy” or “somewhat easy” to adjust to the demands of college. Another 79% agreed that they found the balance between academics and extracurricular activities manageable.
As difficult as it is to accept that our babies are growing up, we need to back off just a bit and let them find their way which may involve them stumbling and making a few mistakes along the way. While some kids step into college life with ease, for others, the transition takes a little longer. In fact, for many kids, the entire first semester is one continuous transition and they don’t find their stride until the second semester.
One of the most important pieces of advice for parents who may not be hearing from their child as often as they’d like – keep it in perspective, don’t overreact if your child sounds a bit despondent or distant at times and try not to take it personally if you don’t hear from them as regularly as you’d like. Talk with your child (when you can get them on the phone), listen far more than you talk and let them know why it’s so important for you to hear from them occasionally. Mostly, be patient. This transition in their lives is profound and they need time. Rest assured they’ll be back when it’s time to do their dirty laundry.