As a parent of a teenager, I’m sure you’ve witnessed it before. Either with your own child or other children you’re close to – you’ve seen them beat themselves up emotionally for something they did or perhaps an event in their life.
Whether it’s a failed test, an argument with a friend or a bad day on the field, teens, in particular, can be especially hard on themselves.
In fact, nearly 80% of teens treat others with far more compassion and kindness than they do themselves. When a friend is in need, has a bad day or is struggling, they rush to their side to help. However, research has shown that teens are more likely to beat themselves up about a situation or a bad day rather than offering themselves the same compassionate, uplifting advice they might offer a friend.
The question is, why?
When teens mature they become more “self-aware” and oftentimes, much more self-conscious. According to Psychologist, David Elkind, teens often believe that others are as attentive and aware of them as they are of themselves. He calls this “their imaginary audience.”
“This microscopic examination generally breeds harsh self-criticism, so the need for self-compassion among teens is paramount.”
Self-compassion – during a time in our society when depression and suicide have become far more prevalent as struggling teens seek long-term solutions to short-term problems, research has begun to show that one of the most important gifts we can empower our children with is the ability to love themselves for who they are.
The statistics are staggering.
Each day in our nation, there are on average more than 3,470 suicide attempts by young people grades 9-12, and out of those suicide attempts, four out of five gave clear warning signs. Here are a few other statistics worth noting according to The Parent Resource Foundation:
- Suicide is the second leading cause of death for college-age youth and kids ages 12-18.
- More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza and chronic lung disease, combined.
In today’s slick-paced, over-achieving world where the pressure on our teenagers seems to be mounting with each passing year, there’s one gift we can give our kids to protect them from the harshness of stress, comparison, anxiety and depression.
Self-compassion.
They’re Really Not That Far Away
According to a fascinating article, “How to Help Teens Become More Self-Compassionate,” research has shown that teens can benefit from being kinder to themselves in a variety of ways.
Self-compassion offers teenagers a protective barrier against the effect of trauma, peer victimization, depression, self-harm, and even low self-esteem. Other studies suggest that teens who are self-compassionate and cut themselves a little slack when life gets tough have greater motivation and they don’t let themselves off the hook for bad behavior, but rather confront it head-on. They also don’t allow themselves to get caught up in selfishness or self-pity, but actually, show greater compassion toward others and themselves.
According to Lorraine Hobbs and Karen Bluth, creators of UC San Diego’s “Making Friends with Yourself,” in order to teach our kids to let go of pervasive self-criticism and judgment, be kinder to themselves and establish a healing path of accepting themselves for exactly who they are, parents need to reinforce the idea with their kids that, first of all, they aren’t alone and, secondly, what they’re feeling is quite normal.
“Teens need to understand that they’re not alone and that what they’re experiencing – feelings of insecurity, exclusion, or sadness, for example – is common with all teens (even though it may not seem that way). They also need to recognize that there are actually biological reasons – changes happening in their brain – that make them feel the way they do. They need to know that it isn’t their fault, and there’s nothing wrong with them.”
When a teen begins to accept who they are, with all their faults and idiosyncrasies, they begin to gain an inner strength along with valuable coping mechanisms that actually help them become less depressed, less stressed, less anxious and better equipped to handle new situations and new experiences in their life.
There is no greater gift we can give our teens than the gift of acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion.
We need to help our kids realize that they do matter, that they do have a voice, that they are appreciated and loved, and their life matters. We need to embrace them, with all their faults, as they navigate their way through the tumultuous teen years. We need to wrap our arms around them and offer them the reassurance that they are loved every single day and, more importantly, teach them the value of embracing who they are as individuals. Their life may depend on it.