This Post: New Research Shows Most Parents and Teens Share the Same Core Values (So Why Does It Feel Like We’re Always Butting Heads?)
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
It started over wet towels tossed on the bathroom floor…
You know the drill, right? The sopping wet towels your teen leaves sitting on the bathroom floor all day even though you asked them (three times!) to hang them up and even though you’ve had this same conversation with them a hundred times before.
I called my teenager into the bathroom and said, “Can you please, for the third time, pick these towels up off the floor?”
Cue the sigh. The eye roll. The dramatic, “Okaaaay! Geeez, I was just about to!”
And just like that, I found myself wondering what so many parents of teens wonder:
Are they even listening to anything I’ve been trying to teach them?
Research Shows Most Parents and Teens Share the Same Core Values
(So Why Does It Feel Like We’re Always Butting Heads?)
If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re in good company. When you’re in the thick of raising teens, it can feel like you’re constantly correcting, reminding, negotiating, and wondering if anything you’re saying is actually sinking in.
We see the forgotten chores, the messy bedrooms, the frustrating procrastination, the attitude, and the endless debates over curfews, phones, and homework.
And during those times, it’s easy to mistake their (classic) “teenager-ish” behavior for a lack of values.
But they’re not the same thing.
In fact, recent research found something incredibly encouraging.
According to a 2025 Child Mind Institute study, 92% of parents and 88% of young people (pre-teens, teens, and young adults) say they share the same core values—a hopeful reminder that our teenagers often share far more of our beliefs than their behavior might suggest.
When I read that statistic, I had to stop and read it again! Because honestly? That’s not what parenting a teenager always feels like, right?
Some days it feels like we disagree on just about everything—from how often they should clean their room to how late they should stay out and whether hoodies really belong crumbled up on their bedroom floor.
But here’s what I’ve realized… maybe we’re focusing on the wrong things.
We Notice Their Behavior Because It’s Loud
Teenagers have a way of making their growing pains very noticeable.
They forget to text us back. (“Sorry Mom…. I didn’t see your text.” Ummm, really??) They throw their clothes on their bedroom floor and leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. They spend WAY too much time on their phones. They procrastinate. They argue. They roll their eyes with Olympic-level precision.
Those things are easy to see.
What isn’t always as easy to see are the values quietly taking root beneath the surface.
The teenager who gives you one-word answers, grunts, and snarky comebacks may be the same teen who stands up for a classmate who’s being picked on in the cafeteria.
The teen who forgets to empty the dishwasher or purposely ignores you when you ask them to take out the garbage might also be the first one to step in when a friend is struggling.
The teen who unrelentingly argues with you about how they should be able to stay out ’til midnight on a school night because other parents let their teens do it could be the same teen who is quietly observing and silently modeling your values of honesty, kindness, and loyalty.
We tend to judge our teenagers by what they do in a stressful moment, their immature behavior, or their seemingly constant tug for independence that oftentimes comes off harsh or rude–all things that make us wonder if we’re getting this parenting gig right.
But character isn’t built in a day, a month, or even a year.
It’s built over thousands of ordinary days.
Values Grow Slowly
One of the hardest parts of parenting is that we rarely get immediate proof that what we’re doing is working. Teaching values isn’t like teaching your toddler to tie their shoes or teaching your teen to drive.
There’s no magical day when they suddenly announce, “Mom and Dad, thank you for teaching me how to be a good person. I finally ‘get’ why you tried so hard to teach me.”
Instead…
They watch us day in and day out. They notice how we treat the waiter, how we talk about our neighbors, whether we apologize when we’re wrong, and how we handle our stress when life doesn’t go our way. They’re paying close attention (even when they act like they aren’t) to how we love our family and friends, how we forgive, how we handle disappointment, and whether we keep our cool (or not!) when things get heated in a disagreement.
The fact is, our teens may not always do what we say, but they’re paying much closer attention to what we do than we realize.
Don’t Confuse Independence With Rejection
Here’s the thing, parents… our teens’ growth and independence will oftentimes present itself as attitude and pushback.
Why?
Because part of becoming an adult is figuring out what you believe. That means they’re going to want to do things “their way.” So… they’re going to challenge your rules, ask “why,” and disagree with you even when they agree just to see how it feels to be independent.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re rejecting the values you’ve spent years teaching. More often, they’re testing them. They’re trying to make those values their own instead of simply borrowing yours. It’s actually a healthy part of growing up.
I know it doesn’t always feel healthy when they’re fighting you tooth and nail about cleaning their bedroom because it’s “their” space, but underneath those (frustrating) conversations is something really important.
They’re learning to think for themselves. And someday, those same values you’ve modeled for years will become the foundation they stand on.
The Seeds You Planted ARE Growing
One of my favorite things about parenting older kids is hearing stories about how your kids acted when you weren’t around to see it.
Maybe your son stayed after school to help a classmate. Maybe your daughter defended a friend who was being left out. Maybe their Algebra teacher tells you your teen is respectful, compassionate, or dependable (and you wonder if they’re talking about the same kid who can slam a door with hurricane-force).
The beauty of these moments is that we don’t see everything.
Our teenagers are becoming people in places we aren’t. Without us even knowing, they’re living out the very values we’ve worked so hard to teach them… just not where we happen to witness it.
And isn’t that the goal? To raise young adults who willingly choose kindness, honesty, integrity, and compassion when no one’s watching.
Keep Your Eye On The Long Game
If you’re a parent who’s feeling discouraged, I truly hope this research gives you hope and a sense of relief. I hope it reminds you that your teen’s eye rolls, messy bedroom, one-word answers, and heavy debates about… well, almost everything, aren’t the whole story.
Your teenager is still becoming, and they have a long way to go.
Remember, for now, every conversation, every boundary, every apology, every family dinner, every ride home from school or practice, every late-night heart-to-heart, and every small act of love is shaping the person your teen is becoming.
You may not see the results today, next month, or even next year. But one day you’ll see their heart, you’ll see their unselfish kindness, you’ll see them in all their beautiful glory… the child you always prayed they’d become.
Because that’s how values work.
They take time.
They grow quietly.
One ordinary day at a time.
So the next time you’re tempted to believe your teenager isn’t hearing a word you say, remember this: Your teen shares far more of your values than you realize… they’re just not letting on… yet.
If you enjoyed reading “Research Shows Most Parents and Teens Share the Same Core Values (So Why Does It Feel Like We’re Always Butting Heads?),” here are a few other posts you might like!
Mom: Your Daughter is Becoming You (In Ways You Don’t Even Realize)
Teaching Your Teen to Adult (When They Don’t Want to Grow Up)