This Post: Teaching Your Teen to Adult (When They Don’t Want to Grow Up)
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
There comes a moment in nearly every parent’s life when you look at your teenager – the same teenager who can reset the router, effortlessly troubleshoot your computer when it goes haywire, and memorize every cheat code of their favorite video game – and realize they still have no idea how to heat a frozen burrito in the microwave without calling you into the kitchen.
They’re basically a walking paradox – completely brilliant about some things and, well… utterly clueless about other things.
You ask them to make their own doctor’s appointment, and they look at you like you just asked them to perform open-heart surgery. You remind them to set their alarm for their early game tomorrow, and they say, “Can you just wake me up?” Or, you ask them to walk the dog (the same dog they begged to have) and they say, “Can you do it? I’m sooo tirrreeed.”
Oh, sure… they want freedom (and money and rides and for you to help them when they need it), but responsibility?
Umm, yeah… that’s a HARD PASS.
Teaching Your Teen to Adult (When They Don’t Want to Grow Up)
If this sounds like your teen, you’re not alone, and no, don’t worry… You haven’t failed at this parenting gig.
Teens are just funny creatures. They want all the perks of adulthood (car keys, privacy, and iced coffee whenever they feel like it), but not necessarily the parts of adulthood that require effort. And… that’s where we come in, parents – with patience, humor, and maybe even a gentle shove toward independence – even when they insist they’re not ready (because they are) or “it’s just too hard” (because it isn’t).
Here are 10 things you can start doing today to help your teen grow into a confident, competent, and capable adult – even if they’re fighting you tooth and nail and they don’t want to flex their adulting muscles yet.
1. Give Them Real Responsibilities (Not Just Chores)
Not to discount the importance of assigning chores to your teen, because chores are valuable for building important life skills, but don’t overlook giving them responsibilities that teach about life, not just tidiness.
Things like creating the family’s weekly grocery list, planning and cooking a few meals, managing their own schedule, helping plan the family vacation, and teaching them how to budget when they land their first part-time job. Let them practice stuff that’s actually useful in adulthood.
2. Stop Being Their Human Reminder System
If you’re reminding your teen of things 34 times a day, it’s time to retire.
“Did you remember to make your lunch?”
“You packed your uniform in your bag, right?”
“Did you finish your homework?”
(Yesss… you can still remind them about the really important things. But day-to-day things? Nope.) Instead, give them the tools they need, like a planner, a reminder app, or a whiteboard mounted on their wall in their bedroom. Then, let them handle it.
Will they forget things at first?
Yes.
Will they survive?
Also yes.
3. Encourage Them to Problem-Solve Before You Step In
We’re all guilty of it, aren’t we, parents? When our kids come to us with a problem, what do we do? We immediately jump into “Fix-It Mode.” It might make us and our kids feel better knowing we can check another “problem solved” box off our list, but it’s not serving our kids well in the long run.
Instead, ask:
“What are your options?”
“What do you think would work best?”
“What have you tried already?”
It might take them longer than just solving the problem for them, but their independence will only grow when you stop rescuing and start guiding.
4. Teach Them Decision-Making Skills
Let them make decisions that won’t ruin their lives (i.e., “safe choices”), including letting them choose their own extra-curricular activities, where they want to apply for a part-time job, how they dress, what classes they want to take in school, and even the consequences they’ll have to face if/when they break one of your rules.
Sure, sometimes they’ll pick the wrong thing. That’s okay. It’s how they’ll learn.
5. Let Them Experience Natural Consequences (Safely)
Forgot their lunch?
Left homework at home?
Forgot about a team meeting?
Let it play out.
It’s not punishment, it’s education. And nothing builds independence faster than the moment a teen realizes: “Oh… so, this is why Mom keeps harping on me about that.”
6. Teach Them Basic “Adulting” Skills Little by Little
I wouldn’t suggest tossing every “adulting responsibility” in their lap all at once, especially when your teen isn’t used to doing things themselves. Instead, focus on gradually teaching:
- How to do laundry (correctly, not “hope for the best”)
- How to cook a few simple meals
- How to manage a budget
- How to schedule their own appointments
- How to talk to adults (teachers, coaches, their boss, etc.)
- How to advocate for themselves
These skills matter more than Algebra II (sorry, math teachers).
7. Encourage Them to Take Ownership of Their Goals
Instead of you setting every goal for them, ask what they want.
A job? Better grades? More friends? A cleaner room (okay, maybe not that one)? Give your teen the chance to really ponder what they want. When you sit back, hold your tongue, and give your teen a chance to speak, you might be surprised by their answer and their willingness to pursue a goal THEY set.
Plus, when your teen feels ownership, their motivation will likely skyrocket.
8. Stop Doing Things for Them That They Can Do Themselves
Again, I wouldn’t stop doing things for them cold turkey (it might throw your teen into total shock)… just gradually hand over the reins to help them build confidence in themselves.
Let them plan the college visits. Let them make their own snack. Let them refill a prescription, clean their own bathroom, or wash their own hoodie.
They might do it wrong or clumsily at first. And they might need your help along the way. But eventually, they will get the hang of it, and that’s when you’ll see their confidence begin to soar.
9. Give Them a Chance to Fail (Safely)
I get it. Failure is uncomfortable for us all – especially when you’re a teenager and you’re fumbling to figure things out in life. But failure (with a safety net) is what will prepare your teen for life. Let them try things that they could fail at:
A job. A harder class. A sport that challenges them. A project they have to figure out. A task or repair at home that takes research and resolve to fix.
Yep. They might fall flat on their face. OR they might surprise themselves and actually nail it. They need to be given the chance to try, fail, regroup, and try again.
10. Tell Them: “I Believe in You! You CAN Do This!”
Teens pretend not to care, but they crave two things: Freedom and belief. The confidence you have in your teen becomes their confidence. The more you believe in them, the more they’ll believe in themselves.
Say it often:
“I believe in you.”
“You’re capable.”
“I KNOW you can handle this.”
It matters more than you think!
Your teen may be digging their heels in the ground when it comes to growing up, but they’re already becoming the person they’re meant to be — even if they still panic over microwaving burritos.
Teaching your teen to adult won’t happen overnight. It will happen in hundreds of tiny moments where you step back, they step forward, and you both figure it out together.
And, no, you’re not pushing them out of the nest before they’re ready… you’re merely readying their wings to fly, one wobbly flap at a time.
If you enjoyed reading “Teaching Your Teen to Adult (When They Have No Desire to Grow Up),” here are a few other posts you might like:
10 Things You’re Probably Doing for Your Teen That’s Preventing Them from Adulting