I still remember the days when my son was young – he couldn’t have been more than six or seven years old – when my husband would roughhouse with him in the living room.
The two of them, aggressively fighting with Nerf guns and pillows, sometimes punching each other a little harder than they probably should have. They would chase one another around the house and pounce on each other trying to catch the other off guard in hopes of reigning as the champion warrior capable of defending a large city against fiery evildoers.
I also remember days when my husband would sit at the piano playing music so beautifully while my son sat next to him studying his dad’s fingers as they swept across the keys.
The tough masculine side and the tender, emotional side of my son are both versions of the same boy – both healthy, important and necessary.
The sad thing about boys today is that they’re caught in the middle of a no-win situation.
If they physically battle it out with their friends, take an interest in guns, or show too much aggression in any aspect of their lives, they might be pegged as having anger issues or worse, grow up to be a psychopath based on today’s perspective of violence.
On the other hand, if a boy chooses to portray a more sensitive side, say, for instance, a boy who chooses singing over sports or whose passion is art, fashion design or any other interest more commonly viewed as womanly, he must be effeminate, unmasculine or too sensitive. Clearly unworthy of the coveted man card – a requirement to be accepted as a respectable member of the male community.
Show too much traditional testosterone-driven toughness and they risk being shamed as an alpha male, a future bully, or an ego-drenched ruffian. Show too little with expressions of tenderness, sweetness, or God forbid the sign of a tear and they’ll likely be pegged as weak, sappy, and quite possibly have others question their sexuality.
For the most part, boys today aren’t roughhousing with their friends the way they used to years ago. And, even though some are involved in sports, more often than not, their idea of male bonding and interaction is playing video games with their friends miles apart from each other. They aren’t engaged in the physical interaction they need to bond, and all too often they don’t solidify the emotional connections they need with friends, siblings and sometimes even their parents.
Sadly, our boys are being left without clear direction. They’re forced to choose between masculinity and sensitivity, afraid to show any behavior that might be deemed as feminine and yet, not having the freedom to display or flaunt their masculinity.
And, when they finally come to the conclusion that they can’t be too tough or too tender, they risk becoming detached and confused not knowing quite how to handle their emotions.
Even a tough shell will eventually crack if enough pressure is placed on it. It may start out with a few hairline cracks, but after time, it will crack wide open.
The traditional gender male role our society has pegged as normal and acceptable certainly doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for intimacy and it won’t prepare our boys for future relationships.
It’s time we toss the old, broken rules out the window and make room for new rules.
We need to stop putting our son’s feelings and emotions in a box neatly tucked away on a shelf – a box that’s stifling their ability to breathe.
My husband is just as sappy as he is masculine and I love that about him. And, he’s teaching our son to be the same way. He’s teaching him it’s okay to feel, to show vulnerability and display emotion. He’s teaching him how to be sensitive and tender, and still manage to be masculine and tough as nails.
Imagine how cool it would be if our boys could hug their moms in public without being judged by their friends? Wouldn’t it be comforting to know that when our boys needed someone to talk to that they could let their tough guy guard down and connect on an emotional level with us, their siblings or their friends?
Maybe it’s time we give our boys the tools and support they need to escape their emotional prison.
Here’s How We Can Give Our Boys the Freedom to Be Masculine and Sensitive
Let Him Seek the Strength and Power He Craves
Boys love roughhousing, fighting and showing their manly strength and power. Give your son the freedom and foundation to show that side of his inherent personality. Whether it’s displaying his strength through sports, a full-blown Nerf gun war in the basement, laser tag with a group of friends, or a heated paintball fight, let him seek the strength and power he craves. Let him confront conflict, conquer it, be a winner and hail as a hero – it’s how he’ll learn to accept wins and losses, resolve disputes and deal with controversy – ultimately, it’s how he’ll learn to become a man.
Teach Him That a Strong Boy is a Sensitive Boy
Sensitive boys are not weak. Make it a point to openly show affection with your son – even if he pulls away. Superficiality is so often the norm between parents and their teenage sons. But, deep down inside boys, no matter how old they are, crave emotional connections. They simply don’t know how to go about it.
Talk with your son on an emotional level. Ask him what he’s feeling. Talk about what might be bothering him, problems he’s having at school or with his friends, or things that make him happy. The more freedom he’s given to feel and speak from his heart, the more emotionally connected he’ll feel to you and the more confident he’ll be about transferring his emotional side to other relationships in his life.
Love Him Exactly as He Is
If we want to teach our sons to be well-rounded men, to be great boyfriends, wonderful husbands, and compassionate friends and co-workers, we need to give them the freedom to be strong and show their feelings without being afraid. They can be heroic warriors and still be sensitive, they can be sweet and strong, and they can be tender and tough. Love your boy exactly as he is – unconditionally. Only then will you be giving him the confidence and strong self-identity to forge his own path toward adulthood.