This Post: It’s Not Personal, It’s Puberty: 15 Comforting Truths Every Parent Needs to Hear
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
If you have a tween or teen living under your roof, chances are you’ve experienced at least one of the following:
A slammed door that rattled the foundation of your house, a moody silence that lasted an entire day, a baffling meltdown because of something small, (like you didn’t buy the right snacks or the WiFi is running slow), or maybe even a dramatic eye roll accompanied by a heavy sigh and “Geeeez… why are you always nagging me!”
I’ve been there, parents! And, in those moments, it’s so hard not to take it personally. But here’s the thing you HAVE to remember:
It’s not personal. It’s puberty.
It’s Not Personal, It’s Puberty: 15 Comforting Truths Every Parent Needs to Hear
The truth is, teenagers are a walking paradox. They’re a delightful (and yes, occasionally insufferable) mix of almost grown-up and still-a-kid. One minute you’re having a logical conversation discussing family vacation plans, the next, they’re stomping off because you “breathed weird.” It’s like living with a real-life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde… buckle up and hang on!
To offer you a bit of reassurance, here are 15 comforting truths to remind you that you’re not alone on this journey, you’re not doing it wrong, you’re definitely not a bad parent, and most importantly, your teen still needs you more than ever (even if they don’t show it).
1. Your Teen Isn’t Actually Mad at You for Existing
They’re overwhelmed, anxious, irritated, and their hormones aren’t just swinging, they’re slam-dunking between moods. Think of it like a shaken soda can. You’re not the reason it’s fizzing, you’re just the one who opens it and has to deal with the explosion. Bottom line, they trust you enough to show their messy moods and feelings – the ones they can control and the ones they can’t.
2. They Don’t Hate You
They might act like they do when you ask them to take the trash out or unload the dishwasher, but really? They’re just tired, possibly hungry, or just being a teenager. One minute your kid is lovingly calling you “Mommy,” and the next they’re yelling, “MOOOOM!” like everything is your fault.
But… then, late at night, they’ll wander into your bedroom and hang out for a while and suddenly, you’ll see flashbacks of who they were and glimpses of who they’re becoming, and it calms your heart. That’s love… teen style.
3. The Eye Rolls and Dramatic Sighs Aren’t About You
Oh… please, please, parents, don’t take it personally. The heavy sighs, the eye rolls, the unpredictable outbursts, the yelling, and the occasional slammed door – it’s not about you. There’s a ton of inner turmoil going on in your teen’s brain and body. Their bodies are growing fast and their brains are undergoing a total overhaul. So when your teen acts out for what seems like no reason at all, it’s easy to slap a “disrespect” label on it, but in most cases, it’s not disrespect; it’s biology.
Note: That doesn’t mean you should allow or tolerate blatant, continued disrespect. Even if it IS biology, boundaries should be established and consequences put into place if/when your teen crosses the line.
4. You’re Still Their Favorite Person… Just Not in Public
They might pretend you don’t exist in the school drop-off line and want to crawl under a rock if you volunteer at their school, but then they’ll ask you to give them a backrub later that night or jump at the chance to grab lunch with you at their favorite fast-food place.
It’s confusing, I know. But they’re trying to figure out who they are, how they should act, and they definitely don’t want to seem “uncool” in their friends’ eyes. Just roll with it while you smile a little smile knowing that the kid behind the “I don’t need you” attitude in public still needs you very much. It’s just on their terms now.
5. Their Closed Bedroom Door Isn’t the End of the World
It’s okay… really! It’s just their way of saying, “I need space,” or “I can’t handle this right now.”
When my daughter was 15, she came home from school one day in a horrible mood. When I tried to help, she stormed off into her room while yelling, “Omg! You just don’t get it!” An hour later, she was texting me from her room asking if I’d bring her a snack. (Translation: “I’m sorry. I still need you.”) I promise, parents. The drama fades, but the bond remains.
6. They Act Like They Don’t Care, But They DO (And They’re Always Watching)
They’re watching everything you say and do. What you eat, how you treat the check out clerk who ticked you off, how you handle stress, how you speak to strangers, and how you treat your spouse. They may roll their eyes, but they’re absorbing your values. You are the blueprint.
7. It’s Not a Rejection When They Don’t Want to Hang Out With You
You haven’t “lost” your teen, and they don’t hate you. They’re wired to seek independence. It’s not rejection; it’s growth! Trust me, they still love knowing you’re there, even if they pretend otherwise.
In the meantime, grab hold of those moments when they DO want to hang out – whether it’s five minutes or five hours.
8. They Still Need to Feel Your Touch
A high five, an elbow nudge, a backrub, or a warm hug – even if they stiffen like a board and make gagging noises, keep offering them. You have far more power in your loving touch than you realize, AND your teen needs it to feel loved and safe.
9. You’re Not Crazy for Missing Their Little Kid Days
Those days were exhausting, yes, but there was sweetness in the simplicity. It’s okay to grieve that. But don’t miss the beauty hidden in the teenage chaos – the deep talks in the car, the hilarious TikToks they share, the moments when they still curl up next to you to vent about a friend or a weird teacher who does bird calls in class. (True story, by the way…)
10. They Don’t Wake Up On a Mission to Make Your Life Challenging
I know it might feel like they start each day thinking, “How can I drive my mom and dad completely nuts today? But I assure you – that’s not what’s happening. They don’t have a checklist that includes:
- Roll my eyes at Mom
- Forget to do my chores (again)
- Argue about something pointless
- Ask my parents for their opinion and then do the exact opposite
- Respond to everything my parents say with a heavy sigh and a whole lot of sass
- Accuse my Mom of ruining my life because she asked me to take the garbage out
Their behavior isn’t premeditated – it’s just part of being a teenager and figuring themselves out, and that messy process often spills out onto the people closest to them – that means YOU.
11. You’re Not Alone
You’re SO not alone! In fact, you’re in good company. Talk to other parents, join an online support group (or my Instagram page!), swap stories, laugh with other parents. It really helps!
12. They Don’t Need You to Be Perfect
They just need you to be there – consistent, present, and unshakable. Be the one who loves them through it all. Above all, keep showing up no matter what.
13. It’s Normal (and Expected) to Feel Emotionally and Physically Drained
Someone said if you’re not emotionally exhausted parenting your teen, you’re probably doing it wrong. The truth is, teenagers are like emotional personal trainers. They’ll wear you down to your very last nerve. Take breaks. Practice self-care. You matter too!
14. Love Them Louder Than Their Mood Swings
Love ’em through it all. On their good days, their bad days, and every day in between. Through the slammed doors, the frustrating silences, and the ridiculous arguments about curfews, clothes, and their messy bedroom.
Your love is their anchor. And, even if it feels exasperating, just remember, this is all temporary. They really DO come back!
15. One Day, They’ll Understand How Hard You Tried
Not today. Probably not tomorrow or next week or even next year. Maybe not even until they’re in their twenties. But one day, they’ll look back on their childhood and all those challenging days when they were a teenager and realize you showed up. EVERY TIME. And, that will mean everything to them.
Raising a teenager requires humor, grace, grit, and a whole lot of snacks. But above all, it requires love that never quits – even when your teen acts like they’d rather be anywhere else.
So the next time your teen lashes out, rolls their eyes, or acts like you’re the most annoying human on the planet, take a breath. Remind yourself: It’s not personal. It’s puberty.
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