This post: How to stop arguing with your teen: 10 tips to create more peace in the house / Post updated 2023
Arguments with our teens sometimes sneak up on us like a freight train. One minute life is running smoothly, and the next a simple question, comment, or request turns into a full-blown, heated argument.
As a mom of three, I know that feeling all too well. Even though I consider my family fairly harmonious, my kids and I have still had our fair share of arguments through the years. As calm as I tried to be in those instances, inevitably my kids seemed to know exactly which buttons to push to get me riled up, which in turn, escalated the situation even more.
Now that my kids are older and I’ve had time to reflect, I’ve realized just how unproductive those arguments were. It’s been a learning curve, but through trial and error, I’ve learned to have more constructive discussions with my kids and avoid arguing with them altogether. Sure, we disagree. But the battles that once rattled my home are far and few between.
For every parent who’s tired of arguing with their teen, here are tips I learned in the trenches that can help you stop arguing with your teen once and for all.
How to Stop Arguing with Your Teen: 10 Tips to Create More Peace in Your House
#1 Accept that Conflict is Normal and Should Be Expected
Your teen is growing up, establishing their own identity and they want to call the shots instead of you dictating every decision. That’s actually a good thing! Let them voice their opinion and push back. In fact, there’s really not a better practice field for your teen to learn how to argue productively than at home with you. The trick is to teach them how to argue productively without losing their cool or being disrespectful (which means you have to do the same).
You may not be able to avoid every battle, but you can avert the big blowouts by talking to your teen when they’re calm. Kick off the dialogue by saying something like, “Listen, I know you’re getting older and you’re looking for more control over your life. You need to know that you can always come to me and that I’ll always listen, but there may be some things I cannot or will not allow, which means we’re bound to disagree on some things. Before that happens, let’s talk about how we’re going to handle those situations so we can avoid future disagreements.”
#2 Look at the Situation Through Your Teen’s Eyes
If the subject of discussion is on the verge of escalating into a heated argument, clearly it’s a topic that’s bothering your child enough that they’re willing to battle it out with you – regardless of the cost.
Even if you think you’ve heard what they’ve had to say and you’re convinced you’re not going to see eye-to-eye on the subject, give your child the benefit of the doubt by giving them the floor. In other words, sit down, take a deep breath, and listen. Tell your child that you’re willing to listen to what they have to say provided they are calm and respectful.
#3 Focus on a Solution
There’s a proverb that says, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Nearly every problem has a solution, but sometimes you have to dig deep to find it. Stop arguing with your teen. Instead, put your heads together and come up with a solution that works for both of you. It might not be a perfect solution. In fact, it may require that one or both of you compromise.
When there simply isn’t a solution (let’s face it, sometimes you just have to say no), communicate your decision and reasoning clearly so they fully understand your perspective. No matter how upset they become, don’t chime in. An argument can’t happen without two people. And, don’t cave in. Once your child figures out that you’re a pushover who caves in when badgered, you’ll be setting a bad precedent and conveying the message that you’re a discipline wimp.
#4 Be a Positive Role Model
If you don’t teach your kids how to handle conflict, who will? Model the behavior you want to see – including managing your emotions, staying on topic, listening to what your child has to say, not interrupting, and remaining respectful, rational and calm.
When it comes to arguing with our kids, we always have a choice. Even if your strong-willed child comes to you “ready to fight,” make a conscious decision to not argue back and never engage in “rage-inducing trigger phrases” including, “Here you go again.” “Why do you always have to start an argument?” “Because I said so!” “Your sister never acted like this!”
#5 It’s Not a Competition to See Who Wins
You’ve been asking your teen to clean their bedroom for weeks and you’re about to lose your cool. Remember though, some battles aren’t worth fighting even if you win. The older your child gets, the more control they want over their lives – including choosing when they clean their bedroom, do their homework, or take care of all those chores you’ve asked them to do.
Stop arguing with your teen about tasks or chores that don’t necessarily have to be done immediately. Instead, relinquish some control and tell them what you want them to do (or better yet, write it down and place it where they’ll see it) and give them a timeframe to complete it, i.e. “I want you to clean your room. You don’t have to do it right now but I want it clean by Sunday night before you go to bed.” If they don’t do what you ask = consequences.
#6 If You Say “NO” to a Request, Consider Why
As a general rule, parents have a tendency to say “No” for a handful of reasons.
- It’s far easier to say “No” than “Yes.”
- They get defensive and angry as a result of their child’s behavior or disrespectfulness.
- They’re tired, in a bad mood or not feeling well.
- It’s too expensive.
- It’s inconvenient or simply not feasible.
- It’s dangerous for their child or others.
Rather than saying no right off the cuff, sleep on it. Give yourself a chance to consider your child’s request when you’re not tired, hungry or in a bad mood. And, if there’s any possible way to say yes instead of no (without compromising their safety or well-being, of course), do it. Our kids want and need us to say yes.
#7 Being Loud Won’t Make Your Teen See Your Point of View Any Better
The louder you and your child become and the more heated the argument becomes, the less productive the communication will be and the greater chance there will be that you’ll both say things you shouldn’t say (and will likely regret later). Nothing good ever comes out of a shouting match – they’re difficult to recover from and they erode the trust in your relationship.
#8 Establish Consequences When it Gets Out of Hand
Arguing can become a full-blown habit and a vicious cycle. Chances are if your teen is arguing constantly, they’re not going to stop any time soon… that is, without consequences. Talk to your teen when they’re calm and let them know you won’t tolerate their arguing (badgering) moving forward. Establish a few set consequences so your teen knows what to expect when they cross the line.
Of course, you don’t want to enforce military rules (give your teen some leeway to express their opinions), but if/when the arguing doesn’t cease, you need to stop it in its tracks – every time. Whether it’s losing a privilege (like access to the car on Friday night) or assigning a few extra chores around the house, you need to hold your ground and avoid caving in at all costs. Remember, your teen will never stop arguing if they think you’re a pushover.
#9 Heads Up, You’re Not Always Right
There has been a handful of times my kids and I argued about a subject and later, I realized I was overreacting or that my child was right and I was wrong. It happens.
We’re all human and sometimes when we’re tired or in a bad mood after a long day, it’s easy to toss out a quick “No” without giving anything our kids have to say serious consideration.
When that happens, apologize for your rash decision and let your teen know you’ve reconsidered. (When I step down from my authoritative pedestal and fess up to being “human,” it helps to strengthen my relationship with my kids.)
#10 Boundaries Can Trigger Battles (and That’s Okay)
Adolescence can be a rocky time between parents and teens. We face every decision from completely different perspectives. Our kids are fighting for autonomy and want to feel empowered to make their own choices and decisions while we’re focused on helping them stay on track, making sure they avoid head-on collisions in their life (figuratively speaking, that is), and keeping them safe.
Some battles simply can’t be avoided. You’re not a bad parent if you argue with your child. You’re not a bad parent because your child gets furious with you about a decision you made. It’s called boundaries and setting boundaries can sometimes trigger battles – and that’s okay.
What I’ve found with my own kids is that they tend to understand my reasoning (even if it doesn’t make sense to them), when I express my views or decision in a loving manner while showing empathy. “Listen, I know you really want to go downtown to the concert with your friends on Friday night. It sounds like it’s going to be a great concert. But, there are too many risks involved – risks I’m not willing to take because I love you and I care about your safety.”
It might take some time, practice, and self-control, but with a little work, you and your child can learn to discuss topics (and even argue) more productively without all the upset and frustration.