When my kids hit their teen years, I thought I was ready. After all, I was a teenager once. I recall exactly what it felt like to deal with crazy, unpredictable hormonal swings, embarrassing acne, the desire to fit in with the crowd, and the yearning to break free from any hint of control.
After a few years in the trenches of raising my teens, I realized I was a lot less prepared than I thought I was. In fact, in some areas, I was downright clueless.
I jumped into my kids’ teen years with a false sense of confidence thinking I could draw from history. I thought if I just reflected back on my own teen years – what mattered to me, what scared me, how I wanted to be treated, how I overcame peer pressure and dealt with the stress of school, that maybe I could be the parent my kids need.
I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t work that way…
My kids’ day-to-day lives, the academic rigor they’re challenged to keep pace with and the social pressure they have to endure is nothing like my life was when I was growing up. Sure, there are a few commonalities that help me navigate my way through these years with my kids, but for the most part, it’s a different time and a very different world.
When I was a teenager, I ran around the neighborhood until midnight with my friends (in the summer, anyway) and my parents didn’t give it a second thought.
I was gone for 10 hours at a stretch (without a cell phone) and, again, my parents didn’t think twice about it.
If I got a “C” on a test, my parents patted me on the back with a big smile and said, “Great job” because they had the comfort of knowing I was average, which was the best they could hope for.
We played outside, we hung out with friends, we watched TV (five channels to be exact), we gave school our best shot and we were involved in one or two extracurricular activities.
Life didn’t revolve around us. Our parents were busy. They had lives outside of raising a family. Sure, they loved us, but they didn’t spend their every waking moment thinking and worrying about our grades, who we were hanging out with, or what we were doing every moment of the day.
They weren’t so hyper-focused on whether we were spending too much time watching TV, whether we had what it took to get into college, or whether we could land a full-ride scholarship to cover the cost of an over-priced education that would otherwise take decades to pay off.
Today, our fast-paced world of instant messaging, the massive influence of social media, relentless academic pressure that starts too early, less downtime (for both our kids and us), the pressure to be good at absolutely everything, the pervasiveness of drugs and the power of celebrity influence has put our kids and us into overdrive.
Heck, with the click of a button, today’s teens can find out what Kim Kardashian had for breakfast.
The harsh reality is that nearly every teen I know is maxed out.
From the time they wake up in the morning, to the time they go to bed, nearly every moment is accounted for. Their schedule is packed with school, studying, sports, extracurricular activities, clubs, volunteering, internships, and a job. And, somewhere in the midst of their busy schedule, they’re expected to build meaningful relationships with their parents and friends, and somehow squeeze in much-needed downtime.
There’s little time to get bored or be lazy and certainly not enough time in the day to ponder and dream about the future.
Don’t get me wrong. Our kids’ access to such a wealth of opportunities and technology isn’t totally a bad thing. God knows we were bored far too often when we were kids. And, there can be an upside to stress and anxiety. But, too much of a good thing is never good.
Sheer logic will tell you, even the toughest eggs crack under pressure and far too many teens are cracking.
The remedy I hear most often with my own kids is that I need to “talk my kids down” from the mountain of self-inflicted perfectionism that draws them straight to anxiety’s door. If it isn’t me perpetuating their anxiety, then it must be them. But how can I possibly lay the blame at my kids’ feet without holding our culture responsible for stoking the flames of my kids’ anxiety and stress?
The pressure of perfectionism that our teens have to endure is building over time.
Years ago, I didn’t start the day with the fear that one wrong move in school, one slip up, could make me the focus of social ridicule with one hit of the share button. If I bottomed out on a test, missed a goal, or didn’t land the part in the play, I never felt as though I let anyone down. It was my cue to either try harder next time or suck it up with the realization that maybe I just wasn’t good enough – a mere fact of life. But that’s not the mindset of teens today. Sure, there is some level of self-directed perfectionism that’s driving their anxiety cart, but social and cultural pressures are certainly a factor.
Thankfully, we’re getting smarter. We’re seeing, first-hand, the error of our ways. We’re listening to the cries of teens and finally, we’re beginning to “get it.”
So, my dear teenagers, I’m sorry…
I’m sorry this world has overwhelmed you. I’m sorry that no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, it never seems to be enough. I’m sorry your life is so different from the life I knew growing up. I’m sorry you feel the need to strive for perfection. Mostly, I’m sorry you’re being robbed of your childhood and being forced to adult long before you’re able or ready.
I wish I could give you the gift of a stress-free childhood and let you feel the ease of a simpler time. I wish I could take away your worries, lessen your burden and silence your fears.
There are still some things I “don’t get.” In fact, there are some things I’ll never get. But the one thing I do get is that you’re a teenager.
Sure, times have changed, and our culture has changed, but teenagers haven’t. When I look into your eyes, I still see myself as a teenager. I see your heart, I see who you are, I see how hard you’re trying and I see what you’re capable of becoming.
I know that under the cloak of pressure, stress, and anxiety that burdens you at times, you’re still a teenager like I was who longs for carefree fun and freedom.
As parents, all we can do is help our kids feel that freedom, to let them fumble, fall and learn how to get back up, to help them find out who they are, and work alongside them to peel back the layers of angst and uncertainty and help them put things into perspective so they can breathe and smile and laugh and be silly like teenagers should.
Mostly, we need to love them unconditionally, support them, offer guidance when they need it, and a shoulder to lean on when they’re weary. We won’t always be able to make things easier for our kids, but the weight of this world won’t be quite so heavy if we help our kids and carry it together.
1 comment
My dear daughter, I am proud of you for writing this & bringing the teen issue front & forward. I hope other mothers ( & fathers ) of teens will read this & better understand the life of a modern tern. What you do as parents can make an immense difference as teens navigate through often very challenging lives.