This Post: Sleepovers: Why Even Chill Parents Are Pressing the Pause Button
Written By: Marybeth Bock
I was recently chatting with my neighbor in her driveway when her teen daughter came out of the house with a duffle bag in hand – “Okay, Mom, I’m ready – can you drive me over to Madison’s now?”
“Yep,” she answered. “Hop in the car, hon – I’ll be right there.”
Then she turned back to me and whispered, “Ugh, another middle school sleepover and I’ve about had enough. Little does my daughter know, but this may be her last one, after what I heard went on last weekend at another girl’s house. It turns out that an older brother gave the kids THC gummies. One girl ended up in the E.R.!”
Sleepovers: Why Even Chill Parents Are Pressing the Pause Button
As they drove off, I couldn’t help but think about how much things have changed…
As a young teen girl, sleepovers (or slumber parties as we called them) were a rite of passage. In fact, some of my most cherished memories with my friends happened when we were all sprawled out on the floor, chatting about everything and anything (you know… boys, annoying teachers, growing up, and our life dreams) over big bowls of popcorn and soda.
Whether it was someone’s birthday party sleepover or just a summer Saturday night with a handful of my friends, it always meant hours of laughing, silly games, polishing each other’s nails, and usually a little mischief (prank calls and bra freezing, anyone?).
But, like it or not, the world is changing, and so are the concerns of parents.
More and more parents of teens are rethinking sleepovers – not necessarily because they don’t trust their kids, but because the risk of something happening is much greater now.
With cell phones and social media in the mix, a possible lack of supervision, and a world that isn’t as safe as it was when we were growing up, it’s harder to know exactly what’s happening once the lights go out. Stories of kids being exposed to things too soon, feeling pressured, or just ending up in uncomfortable situations have made many parents hit the pause button.
Here are some of the main concerns parents have about their teen attending sleepovers:
1. Lack of Supervision
While we’d all like to believe that all parents put safety first when it comes to their own kids and their kids’ friends when they’re under their supervision, that’s not always the case.
Not all households have the same rules to protect their kids, or even active supervision. And even for the most involved parents who host sleepovers, it can be difficult to monitor what teens are doing when the lights go out. The reality is, we all take a calculated risk when we allow our kids to go hang out at a friend’s house, no matter how well we know the parents.
2. Technology and Social Media Exposure
With smartphones in every pocket, sleepovers can quickly shift from innocent fun to risky behavior.
Late-night scrolling can turn into viewing inappropriate, sexually explicit, or violent content, sharing pictures or videos of friends without consent, cyberbullying, connecting with people online that they don’t know through apps like Hinge or Tinder, or posting things on the internet that can’t be taken back.
Parents know that even if their teen wouldn’t do that, someone else’s kid might, and that exposure or experience (especially for young tweens and teens) can be frightening or even traumatic.
3. Alcohol, Vaping, Drug Use & Peer Pressure
It can be much harder for kids to say “No” when everyone around them is doing something and egging them on. Even “good kids” can get swept up in the moment when they’re away from home, and the environment at a sleepover can be the perfect storm for teens to cave into peer pressure.
There’s an element of freedom and less chance of getting caught doing things like drinking alcohol, vaping, experimenting with drugs, or sneaking out of the house to roam the neighborhood or hop in a car and drive somewhere. And, while not the case with every teen, a lot of teens don’t want to be labeled as the one who chickened out of doing something or the one who got left behind. And there’s always the convenient justification of “But everyone else was doing it!”
4. Sexual Experimentation or Uncomfortable Situations
Sleepovers can introduce more than just pillow fights and sharing a few innocent secrets. Even same-gender sleepovers can come with added layers of concern around boundaries, consent, and situations that teens may not be emotionally ready to navigate.
5. Unspoken Social Pressures
Sleepovers can sometimes breed exclusion, gossip, or emotional discomfort. For teens with anxiety, neurodivergence, or even just social exhaustion, spending the night at someone else’s house can feel more stressful than fun.
6. Sleep Deprivation
One thing that no one talked about when we were teenagers was sleep deprivation and how it could negatively affect our bodies. Of course, we’d come home after a sleepless night at a sleepover and be cranky and exhausted, but life would go on, and we’d recover.
Teenagers today continually struggle with getting enough sleep, much more than we did, because of both the crazy pressure to excel and be involved, and because so many teens are constantly on their devices.
It’s interesting to note that research from the National Sleep Foundation shows that just one night of “less-than-adequate rest can lead to poor mood, concentration, and attention, along with greater susceptibility to illness and riskier driving.” Proof that what we see and deal with as parents after our teens have a sleepover night is backed up by science.
7. The “What If” Factor
Even with trusted families, many parents worry about the things they can’t predict. According to best-selling author and mental and emotional health expert, Dr. John Delony, PhD:
“Be very selective and careful about childhood sleepovers. Very careful. It takes only one kid’s smartphone to put images into your child’s mind that will last a lifetime. It takes one older brother’s friends to take your child’s innocence forever. It takes one adult’s lapse in judgment or character to powerfully impact your child in a negative and lasting way.”
Sure, parents want their children to experience the fun of sleepovers, but they also know their job is to protect them, particularly from situations they might not be ready for.
The hesitation about sleepovers often isn’t personal – it’s precautionary. Amid these new concerns, parents are looking at alternatives to sleepovers, asking more questions, and for some, saying “No” to sleepovers altogether. Here are a few things parents are doing:
Find a Middle-Ground
In response, some families are finding middle-ground alternatives: late-night hangouts with a pickup before bedtime, sleepunders (where kids do all the sleepover things but go home to sleep), or small, well-communicated overnight visits with families they deeply trust.
Ask Questions (As Many Questions as It Takes to Make YOU Feel Comfortable Allowing Your Teen to Sleepover)
Parents who are allowing their teens to attend sleepovers are finding themselves asking more upfront questions before they agree to their child attending a sleepover.
- Will a parent be home the entire time?
- Do you have older kids or other guests spending the night?
- Where will the kids be sleeping?
- Do you have any rules about phones and social media? If so, what are they?
- Is there anything my teen should know before they spend the night at your home?
- Are alcohol or prescription meds easily accessible in the home?
Just a few honest, respectful questions can tell you a lot about how the night will go. Most parents appreciate another adult who’s looking out for their kid, too. And, the bottom line is, if you don’t like the answers you get, you can have your teen sit that sleepover out.
Talk About Expectations with Your Teen and Set Ground Rules
Talk openly about your concerns and what they might encounter during a sleepover. It can be helpful to role-play how your teen will respond to peer pressure, which can offer you peace of mind that they can handle the pressure if faced with it.
Talk with them about the consequences of taking risks and breaking your rules, even when they are at someone else’s house. But also, be realistic. You know they’ll likely come home from any sleepover exhausted and maybe a little nauseated from too much junk food, so if your teen has a big game the next day or another important event, keep that in mind.
Give Your Teen an Easy Out
Most importantly, come up with an “S.O.S.” type of comment or text that your teen can contact you with at any point during the night if they want to come home for any reason. It could be something as simple as a code word you agree on or even an emoji. Consider it a “No questions asked, I’m on my way to get you” alert that serves as your teen’s safeguard and peace of mind should anything arise that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Trust Your Parenting AND Your Gut Instinct
As with most parenting decisions, you have to do what feels right for you and your teenager. This is YOUR child and YOU call the shots… no one else. If you have concerns about the situation, say NO.
While sleepovers can be a lot of fun for teens under the right circumstances, the decision to allow them to go involves careful consideration of a few factors – open communication between you and your teen, getting an understanding of the host’s home environment, and asking pertinent questions which can help you navigate this complex issue. Above all, it’s not about being overprotective – it’s about keeping your child safe and giving you peace of mind in a world that feels less safe and predictable than it used to.
If you enjoyed reading “Sleepovers: Why Even Chill Parents Are Pressing the Pause Button,” here are a few other posts you might like!
Teen Angst or Something More? A Parent’s Guide to Spotting Social Anxiety
The Car Rides, the Late Talks, the Tiny Moments – They Matter More Than You Know