This Post: Parents, Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Jump on Your Teen’s Emotional Roller Coaster
Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community
As a mom of teens, I’m here to tell you that not ONLY have I jumped on my kid’s roller coaster of emotions, I’ve buckled myself in and thrown my hands in the air, wildly flailing them through all the dips and curves when I should have been focused on standing firmly on the ground waiting patiently for them to step off their “ride.”
Parents, Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Jump on Your Teen’s Emotional Roller Coaster
I’m sure we’ve all heard parenting experts say, “Don’t jump on your teen’s emotional rollercoaster” a thousand times. And, I think we can all agree it’s sound advice, right?
After all, teenagers feel everything deeply – one minute, the world is ending over a failed math test, and the next, they’re laughing like nothing happened. They’re also subjected to a whole lot of ups and downs in their teenage years – from the highs of new romance to the lows of not making the team – not to mention their swinging hormones that keep us guessing.
We should know better, right?
When we match their emotional highs and lows, it can escalate the chaos instead of calming it. If they’re stressed out, anxious, or frustrated, and we jump in with the same energy, it only fuels the storm when what they truly need is a steady, grounded presence – someone who can help them regulate their emotions instead of amplifying them.
So why is it so difficult to separate what our teens are feeling from what we’re feeling?
Well… for starters, our kids are part of us. We feel everything they feel.
For me, sometimes, I feel like my heart just can’t take it. You know… the moments where I feel certain that I’m experiencing the same emotions, if not greatly intensified, as that of my child – every infraction against them or any disregard for their efforts or their intentions or their souls, for that matter. Every hateful or hurtful remark from a friend or classmate and even every sudden moody outburst my teen takes out on me that I know has more to do with what’s going on in his life than with me.
It hurts my heart. It ALL feels so personal.
Case in point: The other day, my 15-year-old mentioned that one of his good friends and teammates told him that “Luke” is a better point guard than he is. What the heck? Even if he thinks it, why would he say that to him? Of course, my son was upset about it. I, on the other hand, had to hold myself back from calling the kid and giving him a piece of my mind. (I didn’t, of course… but I wanted to.)
On another day, my other son came home in a crummy mood because he had a blowout with a friend. And… guess who he was taking his frustration out on? ME. I know I’m his “safe place,” and I know I’m supposed to be the adult in the room, but man… our kids know which buttons to push, don’t they? I managed to stay calm and he finally told me what happened, but it took tremendous control on my part not to fight back with the same energy that he was fighting me.
I wonder if it’s justified for me to have such a strong emotional reaction to all my kids’ hardships and moods and highs and lows, OR…am I just a liiiiittle bit crazy?
I justify being emotionally impacted by every little thing because I feel like my heart is literally intertwined with theirs.
My husband loves my children deeply, too, but he doesn’t react to my kids’ emotions the way I do. and he’s certainly not affected by what others do to them or say about them. He doesn’t stay awake at night analyzing why others might be hurtful, and he doesn’t spend weeks having imaginary conversations with their perpetrators.
I know I’m not alone. I know there are other moms out there who are emotionally exhausted from intensely feeling (and reacting to) the emotions their teens feel. I know other moms imagine pointing their finger in a coach’s face or squeezing the arm of their kid’s classmate and saying, “Listen here…”
But here’s what I know – there is a certain peace that comes with choosing not to ride the rollercoaster with your teen. I get to choose how I respond to what others do to my kids or say about them. And, I have the option to stay grounded when one of my kids has a horrible day and takes it out on me.
That doesn’t mean I ignore or discount their feelings.
It means I try to be calm instead of getting caught up in the twists and turns of every little thing that tugs at my heart – whether it’s my teen being sassy for no reason or them having a blowout with one of the buddies. I have to remind myself that I can’t help them if I’m on the roller coaster screaming right alongside them.
I’m proud to say I’ve been intentionally working on this lately. I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I don’t. But at least I can say I’m not allowing myself to spin like I used to. So in those moments when I’m tempted to hop on my teen’s emotional roller coaster, I focus on this instead:
You
ChatGPT
ChatGPT said:
6 Ways to Avoid Jumping on Your Teen’s Emotional Roller Coaster
1. Take a Deep Breath Before Responding/Reacting
When I find myself getting too wrapped up in my teen’s highs and lows, it’s easy to react immediately, Instead, I take a deep breath (or five!) before responding. This helps me stay calm and avoid mirroring my kid’s emotions or getting riled up over things that don’t matter in the long run.
2. Validate Their Feelings (and Your Own) Without Absorbing Them
I don’t have to feel their frustration, anxiety, or sadness to acknowledge it. Instead, I’ll say something like, “I know you’re really upset. I can understand why.” This lets them feel heard without pulling me into their storm. It’s also okay for me to acknowledge when something in my teen’s life upsets me (like when a friend doesn’t include them) – but that doesn’t mean I have to carry it around with me. I’m learning to focus on helping my teen through it instead of harboring the frustration.
3. Stay Solution-Oriented, Not Emotion-Driven
If my teen is spiraling, I resist the urge to spiral with them. Instead of getting caught up in the drama, I guide them toward solutions. “What do you think would help right now?” or “What do you think you should do next?”
4. Set the Emotional Temperature Instead of Matching Theirs
I think of myself as a thermostat, not a thermometer. Whether I find myself reacting to some random thing that happened in my kids’ lives or my kids’ moods get the best of them, I focus on speaking in a calming tone. When I remain level-headed and regulate my OWN emotions, my kids are more likely to regulate their own.
5. Walk Away
Not every battle needs to be fought in the heat of the moment. If my teen is in an emotional storm, it’s okay to say, “I love you, and I’m here for you, but let’s talk about this when we’re both calmer.” And, when I get worked up, I focus on what grounds me… prayer, exercise, and talking with people who know me, know my kids, and who can understand and relate to what I’m feeling.
6. Trusting Your Kids’ Resiliency and Bite Your Tongue
Whether my teen is in a bad mood (and trying to make everyone around them in a bad mood also) or something upsetting is going on in their life that riles me up, they don’t need my emotional response to elevate theirs. Sometimes, the best thing to say is nothing at all. By giving them the chance to self-regulate without trying to orchestrate the process, I’m helping them build resilience and learn an important life skill.
Moms love hard, don’t we? But for our own sanity, we can’t let our teens’ hard become ours. Remember, roller coasters begin AND end in the exact same spot. So jump off, parents, and be the grounded presence waiting patiently for your teen to exit their “ride.”
If you enjoyed reading, “Parents, Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Jump on Your Teen’s Emotional Roller Coaster,” here are a few other posts you might like!
How to Walk on Eggshells Like a Pro: 10 Tips to Stay Chill When Your Teen Isn’t
The Emotional Roller Coaster: How To Help Your Teen Manage Their Highs and Lows
The Great Hormonal Collide: 10 Things Teenagers and Their Perimenopausal Moms Have in Common