This post: Mom Cliques
From the time our kids have the cognitive ability to understand, we start pounding it in their heads…
“Don’t hurt other people’s feelings. It’s not nice.”
“Be kind. Don’t be mean.”
“Play nicely with the other kids.”
“You should include everyone… it’s the right thing to do.”
We’re determined to be a good mom – determined to show the world that we’re raising a well-mannered, big-hearted child who’s worthy of the teacher’s coveted gold star at the end of the day for going out of their way to play with the lonely child on the playground or who offered to be partners with that one student who always seems to be left out.
Those are the kind of imperial qualities nearly every parent wants to instill in their kids.
But, shouldn’t we be practicing what we preach? Shouldn’t we be modeling the type of behavior we want to see in our kids? After all, children learn what they live…
For some moms, the answer is “no.”
The harsh, dark reality that many moms are painfully aware of is that there is a strong undertow that runs deep in the mom world – mom cliques.
According to one mom who’s tried and failed to connect with some moms, “Not all mom groups are created equal. Some have a cliquey closed-door policy that’s harder to break into than a top-secret CIA code.”
The equivalence of elite private clubs where only the “in” crowd is allowed entrance, some mom cliques are a world filled with moms who hold a vice grip on their hierarchical position in their non-inclusive tribes. A world that quietly, and sometimes brutally, leaves other moms standing in the cold wondering what they lack or what they did wrong. A world where the queen bees we encountered when we were 15 years old have grown up to be moms who exhibit the same haughty behavior they did when they were kids. And, a world where wannabees who fight tooth and nail just to fit in are just as common as they were when we walked down the halls of middle school.
At a time in our lives when we’re all trudging through the same trenches with our kids, you’d think we would join forces in support of one another.
Being a mom is hard, especially a mom of teenagers where we’re all dealing with mood-swinging hormones, rebellion, and keeping our kids on track in a world that seems hell-bent on derailing them.
What a relief it would be to have the camaraderie of other mothers to chat with, to feel the giddy frisson of shared experiences with like-minded moms and a much-needed shoulder to lean on when life gets tough. Heck, most moms would settle for a warm hello on the bleachers, a “come on over, I saved you a seat” at the parent meeting, or a “let’s grab a coffee” after the kids go to school. They just want to belong.
Instead, many moms find themselves sitting alone on the bleachers, standing off to the side at the bus stop or finding out a few days after the fact that they were deliberately left out of a mom’s night out gathering.
And, our kids are watching…
Nearly every mom I know has felt the bitter sting of a mom clique at one point or another. One mom who considers herself on the “outskirts” of the mom-eat-mom world, recently shared her thoughts with me.
“I’ve been deliberately left out of impromptu casual gatherings and blatantly left out of more formal gatherings. Considering the fact that I’ve always enjoyed more one-on-one interaction with women and I’ve never been one to fit the mold of typical mom cliques, I’m not surprised. And, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s nice not to have to live with the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and being dismissed from the group like a child being sent to the principal’s office for not following the tribal rules.”
Still, she said, “some of those exclusions hurt like a mother…”
“Didn’t they know I’d be hurt?”
“Didn’t they realize that I wanted to be included?”
In the words of another mom friend of mine who was on the inside of a mom clique and who suddenly found herself extradited when the ringleader yelled “jump” and she didn’t jump, the answer is, “yes,” they did.
“In the tangled web of women who, in some cases, simply tolerate each other, but who cling to the prestige of being one of the “chosen ones,” there is the hidden pleasure of knowing, and sometimes subtly conveying to outsiders, I was invited, you weren’t. I’m popular, you’re not. I was included, you weren’t.”
Little do the members of the mom cliques know that, for the most part, other moms see right through their non-verbal zingers intended to shake their confidence. In fact, their less than honorable behavior serves as nothing more than further confirmation that they need to run, not walk, from women like that who, just like mean girls in middle school, use isolation and relationships as weapons to gain power, influence, and status.
For moms who pride themselves on being coveted members of a tight-knit posse with a shell that’s much too hard for outsiders break, remember… children learn what they live. And, our actions will always speak louder than our words.
For moms who have been shunned or ousted by mom cliques, here are a few tips to help you find the right moms who will accept you, support you and love you exactly as you are.
Just Do You
Don’t chase people or relationships and don’t change who you are for the sake of inclusion. Instead, be your authentic self. If you’re an extrovert and a little rough around the edges, embrace it. If you’re reserved, love a great book and your idea of fun girl’s night out is going to a play, embrace it. You owe it to yourself to love yourself, mama. No matter what, just do you.
Put Yourself Out There
Every journey begins with a single step. In other words, get moving. Step away from the reverberations of the cliques and do things you’ve never done. Meet people you’ve never met. Try something new. Step out of your comfort zone. Expose yourself to new opportunities. Above all, aspire to be truly happy with yourself. When you’re happy and confident of who you are, the right people will gravitate to you.
Consider Your Passions
One of the best ways to find friends is by diving feet first into what you love. If your passion is cooking, take cooking classes. If you love working out, join a gym that offers group classes. If you love a great read, join a book club. If you’re a working mom and aspire to connect with other working moms, seek out a mom’s business group. If you follow your heart and passions you’ll be far more likely to connect with like-minded moms who hold your same passions.
Don’t Discount Online Interest Groups
Connecting with other moms can feel like a lost cause, especially when you’re busy keeping up with family life and your kids’ crazy schedules. But, with a little help from the digital world, you can find your village right at your fingertips. There are literally dozens of Facebook groups with moms just like you looking for other moms to connect with. MeetUp is another great online interest group that offers opportunities to find local events and other happenings with other moms (and people in general). Many groups have hundreds, and in some cases, thousands of members, so don’t be intimidated to get your feet wet and join in on a few activities.
Hold Out for True Connections
Your peace of mind, self-esteem, and self-worth is never worth compromising. It might take a while to find a few moms you can truly connect with, but it’s worth the wait. Hold out for those true connections (even if it’s just one mom) that offer you the opportunity to be yourself. If you’re feeling lonely or isolated, know that you’re not alone. Many moms feel exactly the same way. While you’re busy looking for mom friends to connect with, there are plenty of moms out there looking for a mom just like you to connect with. Take that first step… make the decision today to make a positive change in your life.
The greatest gift we can offer others is acceptance.