This post: Friend or Frenemy – 10 Surefire Ways Your Daughter Can Spot the Difference
Teenage friendships (especially girl friendships) can be very complicated and unpredictable. One minute they’re BFFs, the next they’ve vowed not to speak to one another for eternity.
For the most part, these fluctuations in friendships are a fairly normal part of growing up. Our kids are learning to navigate the world of more complex relationships and, with that, they’re bound to experience a few bumps and bruises along the way.
But sometimes, a healthy, normal teen friendship can turn toxic causing our kids (and us) to question whether our teen’s friend really has their back or if they’re the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing – a “frenemy.”
A frenemy (someone who pretends to be a friend with all good intentions, but secretly doesn’t have our teen’s best interest at heart) holds the power to do some serious damage to our kids’ self-esteem.
Rather than getting sucked in the undertow of a frenemy, help your teen identify the warning signs so they can steer as far away as possible.
If your teen questions the intentions of a “friend,” here are 10 surefire ways to tell if that friend is actually a “frenemy.”
She Talks Behind Your Back
She may act like a genuine friend to your face, but the minute you’re not around she tosses out untrue statements to pull you down in the eyes of others. “Nicole tries so hard to dress cute, but I know her pretty well… trust me, she does it because she’s so insecure.” Frenemies will also strive to build your trust, get you to open up and share your secrets with them and then use those secrets against you by sharing them with others.
She Views You as Competition
A frenemy watches everything you say and do. You bring out her own insecurities just by being you and, in turn, she can’t help but feel jealous and view you as a full-blown competitor in the girl world. She strives to keep up with you, but when she falls short you’ll know it by her attitude or casual “put-downs” aimed to keep your confidence off-kilter.
She Constantly Tries to “One Up” You
You and your “friend” have both been invited to a huge party. After keeping your eyes open for weeks for the perfect outfit, you finally find one you absolutely love. It’s flirty, fun, and trendy – just the look you’re going for. After excitedly showing your friend, you’re a bit baffled why she doesn’t seem nearly as enthusiastic about it as you expected, which is making you question whether it’s as cute as you thought it was. Then… low and behold, the evening of the party she walks in wearing nearly the same exact outfit.
Frenemies will always try to “one-up” you. They gather information from you only to use it against you when you least expect it and they never want you to have the spotlight.
She Doesn’t Show Genuine Joy for You
You just landed an amazing internship you fought hard to get. You put in countless hours on the application, agonized over preparing for the interview and, despite the heavy competition, ended up being one of three kids selected for the internship out of dozens of qualified applicants. You’re bursting with excitement and can’t wait to share the news with your “bestie.”
But your awesome news is met with a totally lackluster response. In fact, while you’re telling her your amazing news, she’s scrolling through Instagram commenting on random people’s posts. Beware. If a friend can’t bring themselves to show genuine joy for your wins, accomplishments or achievements, heads up… she’s probably a frenemy.
She Excludes You From Things with Mutual Friends
You and your friend spoke just a few hours ago and later, while scrolling through Instagram, you run across a picture of her hanging out with other mutual friends. She never mentioned they were getting together and never thought to include you.
There are times our friends can’t always be there for us and times we may not be included and that’s fine. But if it happens all the time and you feel your friend is less invested in the friendship than you are or purposely leaving you out, it’s probably time to walk away.
She Doesn’t Support Your Dreams
Frenemies are notorious for subtly stealing your enthusiasm and robbing you of your ambitions. They may pretend to be supportive of your dreams and passions, but deep down inside they really aim to squelch your zeal by dropping sarcastic comments that make you question yourself.
“Listen, girl, I know you have dreams of being a famous actress someday, but let’s be real, it’s probably never gonna happen.”
She Drains You Emotionally
Life can be emotionally draining at times on its own. The last thing anyone needs is to be surrounded by negative drama seekers who suck the life out of you. But that’s exactly how frenemies are.
They’re essentially emotional thieves who oftentimes thrive on drama. They rob you of your enthusiasm, joy and optimism by focusing on the negative and rarely the positive. Instead of feeling uplifted and empowered after having spent time with them, you feel emotionally whipped.
Your Friendship is One-Sided
Does it feel like you spend the whole time focused on your friend every time you hang out? Everyone has problems, but true friends share each other’s lives and are supportive of one another. Conversations with frenemies, on the other hand, are rarely equal. Their problems always seem to take priority over yours.
She Slips In Brutal Comments Masked as Humor
This is one of the more common tell-tale signs of a frenemy. Typically girls will do this because they feel bad about themselves or they’re jealous and they merely want to take your confidence down a notch or two.
“Omg, girl, you wear that top all the time! I mean it’s cute and all, but dang, you need to give it a rest! No really, I’m just kidding… seriously, you look cute.”
She Tries to Keep You Off-Kilter
Whether she underhandedly makes you question your weight, your hair or the way you dress, or rattles your confidence by tossing out snide comments masked as “I’m just kidding” jokes, a frenemy takes pleasure in seeing you waver and keeping you off-kilter. And, when something good happens in your life that shakes her confidence, a “frenemy” will shift into high gear and attempt to even the playing field so she feels better about herself.
THE BREAK UP: How to Handle a Frenemy
The best way to deal with a frenemy is to first confront them. Talk with them rationally, honestly and openly about your feelings and offer them an opportunity to change. If they don’t change, it’s time to accept the fact that they are who they are and move on. You can either tell them the friendship is over (which can be very difficult for most teenagers) or simply allow the friendship to fade out.
Don’t reach out to them anymore. Don’t be quite as quick to answer their phone calls or texts. Make plans with other friends and distance yourself from them. It may take some time, but eventually, they’ll come to the conclusion that you don’t want them to be part of your world.
Teen friendships have a tendency to come and go and that’s a normal part of growing up. But when you have a friendship that has turned toxic, you need to find the strength and courage to walk away. There’s a famous quote that states, “In life, you are what you allow.”
The bottom line is, your happiness, self-esteem, confidence and integrity and far too important to hand over to someone who doesn’t have your very best interest at heart.