This Post: Dear Mom and Dad, Here’s the Real Reason I Push You Away When I Need You the Most

Written By: Nancy Reynolds

I know it doesn’t make sense…

One minute we’re hanging out laughing, and the next I’m stomping off to my bedroom and slamming the door because of one random thing you said. I roll my eyes when you ask about my day. I complain and accuse you of trying to control me when you ask too many questions (which is usually one or two). And, I sometimes cringe when you try to hug me.

I know it hurts you. I know you’re confused. I know you miss me. I push you away when, really, all I want is for you to stay close to me.

I’m not sure I can, but I want to try to explain why… 

Dear Mom and Dad, Here’s the Real Reason I Push You Away When I Need You the Most

The truth is, being a teenager feels like constantly living in a storm that never seems to settle.

One minute, I’m up. The next minute, I’m down.

One minute, life feels like it’s going okay. The next, it feels like my world is crashing down around me.

One minute, I’m convinced I can handle anything life throws at me. Next, I want to curl up in my bed, shut the world out, and just give up. 

My emotions are all over the place.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know how to control it. And, when life gets to be too much, I just don’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words. Sometimes, pushing you (and everyone else away except my friends who are going through the same thing), is the only way to protect myself and try to cope – even though what I need the most is you and your love helping me through this confusing stage of my life. 

I hope I can help you understand why… here are some of the reasons I act this way:

1. I Need Space

This is the biggest one for me. I need space to be alone. Space to grow. Space to figure things out on my own. Space to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Space to escape and decompress from a world that forces me to be “on” all the time. And, space to (at least try to) process everything I’m feeling.

I know it bothers you when I shut my bedroom door and hide out for hours. I’m sure, to you, it feels like a rejection or that I don’t need or love you anymore. But it’s not you; it’s me. I need this time. And, I need this space. But just know when you rush in with a ton of questions: “Are you okay?” “Did something happen today?” “Did you get into an argument with your friend?” “What’s wrong?” I feel smothered, and it makes me want to pull away further. Just give me a little time. I’ll come to you when I’m ready to talk.

In the meantime, keep checking up on me. Keep asking me to go places – even if I say “no” 8 out of 10 times. Keep showing me you care in all the little ways you do. Above all, don’t take my behavior personally, keep showing up, and don’t give up on me. I NEED YOU. 

2. I Can’t Handle Another Lecture

There have been times I’ve opened up to you about something I’m feeling or going through, and instead of saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I help?” or just listening, I get a long-winded lecture about how I should take control of my life, how I should try harder, or how if I just did this or that, I’d be happier or do better in school or have more friends. It’s so exhausting. 

I know you’re trying to help, and I know you mean well. But it doesn’t help. It makes me feel like I’m messing up, like I’m being scolded or talked “at,” or like I’m disappointing you even though I’m trying so hard not to. 

Mom and Dad, just listen to me. Just be there for me. Stop turning everything I tell you into a life lesson or a reminder to take the trash out or an argument because my room is messy. Can’t we just hang out? Can’t we just do something fun for a change? Even if we run through a drive-thru or go to Target to pick up a few things, I really DO want to be with you. But not if I’m gonna feel worn out afterward. 

3. I’m Afraid I’ll Feel Judged

If I’m stressed out about school, struggling with friends, or worried I won’t make the team when I try out, I’m worried you’ll judge me. I’m afraid you’ll see me as weak, overly dramatic, sensitive, or incapable in some way. I know that’s not your intention. I know you’re just trying to help me, motivate me, or guide me, but sometimes, it comes off as judgmental, and in the end, I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never measure up in your eyes.

Don’t compare me to my friends, classmates, or my brother or sister. Don’t lose sleep worrying that I won’t find my way… because I will, eventually. Don’t try to make me into someone I’m not, live vicariously through me, or push me in directions I’m either not ready for or don’t want to go. Don’t drag me down when what I need now more than ever is to be lifted up. Don’t focus on all the mistakes I make; focus on all the stuff I get right. 

My self-confidence is already unsteady. I question myself and my every move every single day. What I need now is for you to tell me I’m getting a whole lot more right than wrong, that I’m doing okay, that I’m pretty freaking awesome just the way I am, and that you’ll be beside me the whole way. THAT’S what I need. 

4. I’m Worried You Won’t Understand My Emotions

I’ll snap at you for no reason. I’ll sigh and roll my eyes when you ask me to clean my room. I’ll yell or lose my cool over the smallest thing. I’ll slam my door because you said “no” to something (even though your “no” makes sense).

You get upset and angry, and you yell at me and reprimand me for acting this way. And I don’t blame you. But I really wish you would dig deeper because I don’t mean to act this way. I feel things in such a big way – every thought, every feeling, every emotion just feels big and amplified. 

I just don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. My moods, my emotions, my brain – everything is so tangled that even I can’t figure it out myself. Honestly, I can’t expect you to understand what’s happening inside me because I don’t understand it myself. My emotions shift so fast I can barely keep up: I’m sad, then I’m happy. I’m angry, then I’m laughing. I wish you could understand how confusing and exhausting it is to live in a body and mind that feels this unpredictable.

When I think you won’t understand or that you’ll try to make sense of it and start lecturing me, I shut down. I put my earbuds in. I get lost in a video game. I ignore you. It’s easier that way. No arguing. No yelling. No misunderstanding. The silence is better. Even if it hurts you, I do it anyway. It’s actually my way of trying to protect my peace and our relationship. 

The next time my emotions are out of whack, try to be patient. Just sit with me in my chaotic moment. Just let me know I’m not alone. 

5. I Need to Feel Independent

We both know I still need you (even if I don’t admit it). But I’m trying to convince myself that I can handle things on my own. My pulling away isn’t saying, “Leave me alone, I don’t need you.” It’s me saying (in my own way), “Let me try.” 

I still need your advice and guidance. I still need you to show up and cheer for me. I still need you to encourage me when I’ve lost faith in myself. I still need you to whip me into shape when I’m losing my way. I still need your hugs and patience and faith that I’ll be okay… that we’ll make it through this really hard stage. 

So, try not to feel hurt or upset when I pull away. I’m doing what you taught me to do – to be strong, to step out of my comfort zone, to give things a try, to let go a little so I can stand on my own two feet without you. You taught me, Mom and Dad. You taught me well. I’ll try not to let you down. I promise. 

I know it feels confusing when I push you away when I really need you the most.

But please don’t give up on me. Keep knocking. Keep asking. Keep showing me that your love isn’t going anywhere. Because you may not realize it, but your love and support are my steady, and I need you more than you’ll ever know.

If you enjoyed reading, “Dear Mom and Dad, Here’s the Real Reason I Push You Away When I Need You the Most,” here are a few other posts you might like:

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