This Post: Raising Teen Boys: 5 Things That Destroy Their Self-Esteem 

Written By: Marybeth Bock & Nancy Reynolds

Raising a teen boy comes with its fair share of challenges – eyerolls, stinky laundry piles, and moments where you might be convinced he’s not listening to anything you’re saying. But what lies beneath that teen of yours who acts like he knows it all and pretends he doesn’t need you is a sensitive, vulnerable boy who’s paying attention far more than you realize. 

Your son may not always show it, but your words echo louder than you realize. A harsh comment can cut deeper than intended, while supportive, kind words can steady him in ways he’ll never admit. He carries your voice within him. It shapes how he sees himself and what he believes he’s capable of. That’s the quiet power you hold, parents… your words take root in your child’s heart.

Raising Teen Boys: 5 Things That Destroy Their Self-Esteem 

Make no mistake… even if your son has a relatively high self-esteem now, it can be chipped away faster than you think. From subtle habits to well-meaning comments that fall short in your son’s heart, there may be things you’re saying (or doing) that are quietly eroding your teen’s confidence and self-worth without you even realizing it. 

Take a moment to consider the way you speak to your teenage boy. I know we’ve all said some things that inadvertently affected our son’s self-esteem over the years. But when we know better, we can do better.

5 Things That Can Chip Away (or Outright Demolish) Your Teen Son’s Self-Esteem

Here’s a look at several of the biggest behavior culprits – and how we can avoid them (written with warmth and honesty… not blame). 

1. Comparing Him to Others

“Seriously? Why are you getting a C in Biology? Your sister aced that class!”

“Wow, Jake’s game has really improved. Maybe if you practiced more, your game would improve, too.”

When the spotlight is always on someone else’s abilities, your teen’s own efforts, talents, and gifts can feel invisible. Instead of feeling proud of their progress, they may start measuring themselves against the accomplishments of others. And that’s a game they can never win because, in life, there’s always going to be someone faster, smarter, funnier, or more talented.

The harsh reality is that some boys might react by pushing themselves too hard to “catch up,” risking burnout, anxiety, and self-worth that’s tied entirely to their achievements, while others might choose to completely shut down. “It doesn’t matter what I do; they’re never proud of me, so I’ll just stop trying.” Plus, our teens are already experts at comparing themselves to others – on social media, in school, sports, and with their friendships. But when that comparison comes from a parent, it hits at the core of their identity. 

TIP: Focus on praising your son’s efforts, not simply the outcome. Saying “I saw how hard you worked on that! That’s awesome!” builds confidence regardless of his grade, test score, or a win or loss.

2. Correcting Him in Public

“Geez, kid – another game without a goal? You’ll be sitting on the bench all season if you keep this up!”

“Can you at least TRY to come out of practice on time? I’ve been waiting in the car forever!”

Correcting your teen in public is like handing them a big, flashing “I messed up” sign and making them wear it in front of an audience. What could have been a quiet, private correction becomes a public display that leads to shame. The truth is, our teens are already hyper-aware of how they appear to, well… everyone else. Being corrected publicly can make them feel even more embarrassed, self-conscious, anxious, or hesitant to speak up in the future.

Remember, too, our kids NEED us to have their backs. When we correct them in public, it can feel like we’ve joined the “critics” instead of being their cheerleader and safe zone, which can erode our relationship with them and the way they see themselves.

The bottom line is, your son might not remember exactly what you said when you came down on him in public, but he WILL remember how he felt: the burning cheeks, the awkward silence, and feeling like he wanted to disappear. 

TIP: Wait until you’re alone to offer a correction. Don’t embarrass him in front of others. Another option is to make it a habit to wait an hour or two before you address their behavior. You may find it’s just not that important, or not worth potentially affecting your relationship with your son.

3. Dismissing His Feelings

“So, you’re seriously not going to try out for basketball again because of one little injury last year? You really need to man up.”

“You’re not going to cry over this, are you? Geez… you really need to toughen up, kid.” 

Boys hear “toughen up,” “quit overreacting,” and “man up” in a thousand different ways. It might be when we tell them to “stop being so dramatic” when they’re upset, or when we tell them to “stop crying” over something that seems small to us. But our (likely well-intentioned) messages aren’t helping our sons. In fact, we’re giving them the message loud and clear that their emotions are weak, embarrassing, inconvenient, or soft. We’re telling them to put their emotions in a box. 

Over time, this can trigger our boys to shut down emotionally – not because they don’t have feelings, but because they’ve learned it’s safer not to share them, which can eat away at their self-esteem in powerful ways.

Your son needs to hear that courage isn’t the absence of fear – it’s facing it with honesty. When he grows up knowing his emotions are valid, he’ll become a young man who is resilient, empathetic, and able to build deeper connections. In other words, giving your son permission to express his feelings is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

TIP:  Every slammed door, every angry outburst, every quiet or moody withdrawal is a window into something bigger happening inside. When you respond with curiosity instead of dismissal – “I can see you’re really upset. Do you feel like talking about it?” – it sends the message: Your feelings matter. You matter. And, I care.

4. Constant Criticism Disguised as Helping or Guiding

“You waste every single weekend playing video games! Your laziness is keeping you from getting your chores done.”

“Maybe if you stopped scrolling on your phone and started studying more, you’d get better grades.”

If most of the feedback your teen hears is negative, he may start to feel like his worth is tied to your approval, or worse, perfection. Even his small mistakes can feel like proof that he’s failing. Over time, your words can easily become his inner critic. Instead of encouraging himself, he may start to replay your criticisms in his head, reinforcing self-doubt long after your conversation is over.

Fear of criticism can make teens avoid trying new things – whether it’s trying out for a team, applying for a job, or sharing their thoughts, because the possibility of failure feels too costly. When criticism outweighs encouragement, your son may begin to pull away emotionally. He might share less with you, not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s bracing for your judgment.

TIP: Try celebrating every win, even if it’s small. Did he get his driver’s permit? Learn a new skill at practice? Made a good choice in a tricky situation? Point it out! Little victories stack up to bigger confidence. Prioritize improvement, not perfection.

5.  Teasing That Stings

“Wow… you call that a moustache?”

“No girl is going to look twice at you dressed like that.”

“You wouldn’t last two minutes in the real world.”

“For such a smart kid, that was pretty dumb.”

What might feel like silly, harmless banter to a parent can highlight a teen boy’s insecurity. Comments about his looks, clothes, or ability to attract girls (or a partner) can cut right into the tenderest part of this self-image – especially about things he’s already sensitive or self-conscious about.

Sure, he might laugh it off in the moment, but deep down, those words can stick longer than you realize. 

TIP: If you catch yourself about to tease your son about something sensitive – perhaps his looks, quirks, changing body, or his choices – pause and reword it as a question or positive reinforcement. Try saying: “Your clothes are pretty wrinkled. Why don’t you see if you have something else to wear that looks better?” or “What were you thinking when you made that decision?” or “It might take some time for your mustache to fill in, but when it does, you’re gonna rock it!”

Teen boys may not always admit it (or even realize it), but they’re constantly absorbing the messages you send through your words, tone, and actions. And, they WANT and NEED your approval and validation.

The good news is, just as some habits can chip away at their self-esteem, intentional support, encouragement, and empathy can build it back up stronger than ever. By staying aware of how you talk to your son and showing him that you’re always in his corner, you’ll be helping him grow into a confident young man who knows his worth – no matter what life throws at him.

About Marybeth Bock

Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing, as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

If you enjoyed reading “Raising Teen Boys: 5 Things That Destroy Their Self-Esteem,” here are a few other posts you might like!

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