This post: Build a Strong Relationship with Your Teen. Check Your Ego at the Door (Post updated: 1/2023)
When my children were young, my husband’s and my word ruled. What we said “went.” Other than offering our kids a few carefully chosen options to pick from, we guided the path of our kids’ lives.
From what they wore and what they ate to how they spent their free time and what shows they watched on television, we managed every aspect of their lives.
Fast forward a few years and now that my kids are teenagers, I feel as though I’ve lost all control. (Well, maybe not all control, but certainly a lot.)
As much influence and control as I try to have in my kids’ lives, in a lot of areas, the steering wheel has been passed over to them. The only “real” comfort I have is that, hopefully, my years of parenting (and the fact that I turned hundreds of discussions into full-blown life lesson lectures) have guided them enough to make sound decisions in their lives when the chips are down.
Still, sometimes my self-esteem as a mom takes a hit knowing I don’t hold the parental power I once did.
It wasn’t until a good friend of mine who has older kids said to me:
“It’s not about you. You’re just one part of a much greater whole. If you want to build a strong relationship with your teen and allow them to become who they’re destined to be, you need to check your ego at the door.”
I never really thought of it that way, but, boy, was she right. There’s no place for ego when you’re raising teens.
Call it what you like – pride, self-importance, superiority, arrogance – our kids stand to gain so much if we approach parenting with a lot less ego and a whole lot more grace and humility.
When things get rocky with our teens, (which they have a tendency to do, at times), we can get defensive, snap back, or rest on our laurels as their parent. Or we can step back, listen, ponder what they’re trying to communicate, and create a family culture that allows our kids the freedom to share their feelings – even if their feelings hurt our feelings.
We need to own up to the fact that our parental influence isn’t quite as strong as it used to be.
We need to accept that our kids aren’t hanging on our every word like they once did.
We need to come to terms with the fact that our kids are growing up.
And, sometimes, we have to swallow our pride.
If you’re struggling to come to terms with your loss of parental power, improve your relationship with your teen by doing this ONE thing.
Want to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Teen? Check Your Ego at the Door
#1 It’s Not Personal
Every time you ask your teen son to go somewhere he says, “No.” You pop your head in your daughter’s bedroom hoping to grab a few minutes with her and she asks you to leave. Teenagers are notorious for doing things that push us away, saying things that hurt our feelings (or anger us), and sometimes even shutting us out of their world completely.
After having them cling to us (literally) for years and now feeling left out in the cold and quite often unneeded in their lives, our first inclination might be to tighten the reins and hold on to whatever shred of parental influence we still have with a vice grip. But, heads up, if we want to improve our relationship with our teens, we need to remind ourselves that their “offish” behavior (which includes their ever-changing moods and sassy remarks) isn’t personal.
Their bodies are going through tremendous changes (both physically and mentally) and, all too often they have a hard time controlling their hormone-swinging moods. On top of that, they’re learning how to stand on their own two feet and craving more independence and freedom. Give them plenty of space and grace, crack down when necessary, and remember, this is all part of the normal process.
#2 Your Teen Isn’t an Extension of You
We all want our kids to be happy. Deep down inside we want them to succeed in life. And, without even realizing it, we may be attempting to guide them down a path we’ve chosen on their behalf. We may even want them to follow in our footsteps.
Whether it’s playing the same sport you did in high school, attending the same college you did (because who doesn’t have a soft spot for their alma mater), or choosing a career you think is in your child’s best interest, you’re not doing your child any favors by forging a path they need to create for themselves.
Your teen isn’t an extension of you. They are very much their own person. They need to figure out a few things on their own – what matters to them, what inspires them, what type of life they want to lead, and what career path they want to take. That’s not to say you can’t offer our guidance, your opinion, or suggestions, but their future is essentially “on them.”
#3 Apologies ARE Necessary
You know that saying, “No apology necessary?” Well, when it comes to raising teenagers (kids of any age, for that matter), apologies are, in fact, necessary. We’re not perfect. We make mistakes. We overreact. We fly off the handle. We yell, nag, and say things we shouldn’t. We’re human. But, just because we’re the parent, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fess up to our mistakes.
Just as we’ve taught and expect our kids to apologize, we need to follow our own rules and words of advice. We need to model mutual respect, be brave, and show our kids that we’re human and vulnerable, which will teach our children accountability and the importance of owning up to their own mistakes.
#4 Step Down from Your Pedestal of Parental Perfection
Our kids have looked up to us and put us on a pedestal since the day we first held them in our arms. Now that they’re older, though, their view of us is changing.
Our teenagers are viewing us less as parents and more as people. Somewhere along the way, they knocked us off our pedestal of parental perfection.
If we’re serious about building a strong connection with our teenagers, we need to step down from our pedestal and get eye level with them and create a mutual “let do this together” partnership.
After all, our kids’ main goal is to become self-reliant and one day move out on their own and our goal as a parent mirrors that – we should be working together.
If our kids have to strain their necks (figuratively speaking, that is) to listen to what we have to say and we’re authoritatively shouting from the mountaintops that it’s our way or the highway, we’re not collaborating with our kids, we’re merely creating contention which is counterproductive to our mutual goal.
#5 Listen More Than You Lecture
We’ve been doing most of the talking for years. And, for the most part, (with the exception of our once chatty toddlers), our kids have been doing most of the listening. But, the tide is shifting.
Our kids don’t want or need our opinion on everything. They don’t want us to fix things. And, they certainly don’t want us meddling in every aspect of their lives.
We need to take a step back, hold our tongues, and give them the floor. We need to let them be the smart one for a change, let them decide what’s best for themselves, and make a few important decisions on their own. We’ll always hold some level of clout in their lives and we’ll always (quietly) be our kids’ safety net when the chips are down, but now that they’re teenagers, they’re finding their voice, looking for us to loosen the purse strings and they need us to (slowly) hand over the reins.
#6 Stop Worrying About What Everyone Else Thinks
I read somewhere recently that said “We fear judgment. We fear disappointment. We fear failure so much – of our children and of ourselves as parents – that we have become constantly worried and stressed striving to fit the mold of what’s expected.”
If most of us were completely honest with ourselves, we’d likely admit that we’re guilty of trying to please others or, at the very least, doing our best not to hugely disappoint others – especially when it comes to our children.
We don’t want to admit when our kids veer off path, struggle or mess up royally. We’d rather keep those little secrets to ourselves so we don’t have to face others who could be critical or judgmental. But, guess what? Who cares what others think?
You’re in the midst of raising a human being and that is no easy task. On their rocky journey to adulthood, there are bound to be mishaps, detours, sharp turns, and fender benders. It should be expected. To build a strong relationship with your teen, they need to know they’re not being compared.
Stop worrying about what others say or think. Stop putting up a front. And, stop trying to please others. Focus on your own child and what’s best for them. Nothing else should matter.
Other posts you might enjoy:
My Teen’s Moods Felt Like a Rejection Until I Realized They Had Little to Do With Me
8 Things Your Teenage Boy Desperately Needs You to Teach Him