This Post: 16 Things No One Tells You About Mom Friendships When Your Kids Become Teens
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
I lost a few more mom friends during my kids’ teenage years than I ever expected. Not because we had a falling-out. Not because one of us said or did something unforgivable. And certainly not because we stopped caring about each other. Most of the time, it just happened quietly.
Our kids’ schedules changed and so did ours.
Our lives got busy, and we were pulled in different directions.
Or maybe one of our kids started playing a different sport or got involved in a different after-school activity, and suddenly we were spending time with a whole new group of parents whose kids shared the same interests.
Little by little, there were fewer reasons to text or call. And with two busy families trying so hard to find a time that worked, getting together became harder than I think either of us ever imagined. We still cared about each other and still thought of each other, but somehow, “We really need to get together soon!” became something we merely said, not something we did.
And then one day, I’d look back and realize it had been six months since we talked. We simply drifted apart…
16 Things No One Tells You About Mom Friendships When Your Kids Become Teens
When my kids were little, I assumed that all my friendships with other moms would last. After all, we survived our kids’ toddler years together and muddled through the elementary school years with school projects, birthday parties, sleepovers, and countless cups of coffee where we laughed (and sometimes cried) about what we were going through with our kids.
But then our kids became teenagers, and suddenly, we weren’t necessarily raising them in the same way, in the same places, or even in the same circles.
And I learned something I wish someone had told me sooner: Sometimes your children growing up changes your friendships, too.
So, Mamas, if your kids are teenagers, perhaps you can relate to these 16 things no one tells you about mom friendships when your kids become teens:
1. Some Moms Become Very Tight-Lipped About Their Teens
When the kids were little, we knew everything about each other’s kids. Who was struggling in school, who had a meltdown at baseball practice, and who threw up in the cafeteria. Then they became teenagers, and suddenly some moms became very private.
Maybe their teen was going through something they didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Maybe they were protecting their child’s privacy. Maybe they were worried about being judged or having their teen compared to someone else’s. Or maybe they were just trying to figure out whether they could trust us or not, or whether we’d even understand what they’re going through. Silence became their defense.
So, you ask, “How’s Nikki doing?”
“She’s good.”
And you know there’s probably an entire story behind those two words, but you respect their privacy and move on.
2. And Then There Are the Moms Who Tell You EVERYTHING
You know the mom I’m talking about, right? You ask, “So, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Jake. How is he?” and suddenly you’re getting the full unedited version: the blow-up they had at breakfast, the fact that he’s failing U.S. History, that he and his girlfriend just broke up (and how she never like her anyway), and ALL about the teacher who “has it in for him.”
You didn’t ask for every nitty-gritty detail… but here you are.
3. Some Friendships Become Highly Competitive (and “Braggy”)
When the kids were little, competition among your kids seemed low–it felt like you were all on the same team.
But with some moms, the minute their kid hits the teen years, everything is a competition: grades, sports, college, internships, awards, and accomplishments. Suddenly the innocent question, “What’s Kyle doing this summer?” turns into a 20-minute explanation of how he’s getting a jump start on his college applications, working a part-time job, and how he built a neural network from scratch and optimized it on a GPU cluster in his spare time.
Umm… okaaay, Jennifer.
4. Your Circle of Friends Becomes Smaller (and Lonelier)
When you were gathered at the entrance of the elementary school, you had six other moms you chatted with about each other’s kids, life, and struggles. Now, when you need friends the most, you might look around and realize your circle has gotten a whole lot smaller.
The playdates are gone. The school events are fewer. Everyone seems scattered. The reality is, your teen’s world is getting bigger, and yours is slowly getting smaller. And the hard part is, it can be lonely.
5. You’ll Discover Who Your Real Friends Are
The mom you trust who sticks around and supports you even when your teen is struggling, making questionable choices, or going through a rough patch?
That’s a friend, Mama.
6. You Might Envy Another Mom Who “Seems” to Have it Easier with Her Teen
A friend tells you her daughter shares a lot about school and her life. Or another friend mentions that her son actually wants to hang out with her. Meanwhile, your teen communicates through grunts, one-word answers, and text messages.
You know you’re only seeing a tiny, filtered snapshot of their life, but it’s still hard not to feel a little envious.
7. You Start Realizing How Many of Your Friendships Were Built Around a Shared Season of Life
And seasons end. That’s one of the hardest truths. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever; they were meant to walk beside you through a particular chapter.
You start noticing it when your kids’ schedules stop overlapping. When the kids choose different sports, activities, or have different interests. And without those common-ground reasons to connect, the friendship can slowly feel more like “someone you used to know.”
8. You Discover that Parenting Differences Suddenly Matter So Much More
You have your style of parenting, your own morals you’re trying to instill in your kids, and your own rules and boundaries. When you realize a friend’s parenting style totally differs from yours, it can sometimes put a wedge in the friendship–especially, if you don’t fully respect their parenting approach.
Everything from curfews, phone rules, dating, parties, social media, drinking, and consequences–it can be hard to connect with other moms who view life through a different parenting lens.
9. You Lean Toward Solidarity
At this stage of parenting, you’re not looking for friends who have all the answers; all you really want (and need) is another mom who says, “Yep… my kid acts like that, too, and it really sucks. I don’t know what to do either.”
Sometimes, the deepest friendships don’t come from knowing each other for years. They come after one brutally honest conversation on the bleachers that begins with, “I know exactly how you feel.”
10. Your Teen’s Friend May Hurt Them – Then, Suddenly Everything Gets Complicated
It’s much easier to say, “Kids will be kids,” when they’re seven. At seventeen, when one of your kids’ friends betrays them, excludes them, gossips about them, or treats them poorly, it can hit much harder. And, when our kids hurt, WE HURT.
You may find yourself trying to support your child without destroying a friendship with their friend’s mom, and that can be difficult.
11. Finding Time to Maintain Friendships Gets Harder
You’re busy. Your friends are busy. The kids are busy. And you find yourself spending most of your free time carpooling your kids back and forth to school, sports, and extracurricular activities. You barely have time to cook dinner, clean the house, and keep up with the grocery shopping, let alone fitting in quality time with friends.
So, that’s when quick texts, random funny memes with the message, “This reminds me of us!” and occasional 10-minute phone calls come into play just to catch up on each other’s lives.
12. You Become More Careful About What You Say (and Who You Say It To)
Your teen is becoming a young adult, and you know that anything you tell another mom has the potential to make it back to your teen. You don’t want to break the trust in the relationship, so you find yourself thinking, “Would my child be upset if I shared this story?” “Is this really my story to tell?”
You’re also keenly aware of “mom gossip,” and you’re not willing to be subjected to it, so you follow the advice you’ve been giving your kids for years: “Choose your friends wisely.”
13. You Start Comparing Your Teen to Other Teens – Even When You SWORE You Wouldn’t
Who got their driver’s license? Who landed a summer job? Who has a boyfriend or girlfriend? Who made the team, got the college scholarship, or seems more responsible?
You don’t want to compare (you told yourself you wouldn’t!), but sometimes your brain does it before your heart can stop it. (We all do it, Mamas… go easy on yourself.)
14. Making Friends in This Stage of Life is Harder Than Anyone Admits
Making friends at this stage can be surprisingly hard. Not only are you (and every other parent) busy, but some moms already have their established circle, and being invited in might just take an act of God. (Yep, cliques are a thing with some moms, too.)
We often sit back and “hope” another mom will make the first move. But that’s not always the case… YOU have to pursue new friendships. “Hey, I really enjoy talking to you. Would you like to grab a coffee sometime?” (You’d be surprised how many moms are lonely and want to make friends, too.)
15. Some Friendships Quietly Fade Away
With some friendships, there isn’t a big fight. No falling out. No harsh words. Just fewer texts, fewer coffee dates, and fewer reasons to get together.
It’s so much more common than we think.
16. The Friendships That Weathered the Teen Years Can Be the Deepest
The friendships that make it through the teen years often become the ones you treasure most.
You’ve seen each other through the good, the hard, the messy, and the “I have no idea what to do with this child” moments. There’s a depth that only comes from weathering life together.
Dear Mamas, Remember This:
Maybe the biggest comfort is knowing you’re not the only mom feeling this. The teen years have a funny way of rearranging our friendships while our kids are rearranging their lives—and sometimes, we’re all just trying to find our footing together. Give yourself—and your friendships—a little grace and know that while some friendships might fade, there are always new friendships waiting to be found.
Motherhood changes your friendships. But sometimes, it also reveals which friendships you’re meant to grow with you.