This post: 9 Things to Say to Your Teen When They’re Facing COVID-19 Disappointments
My daughter in college called the other night to tell me her college canceled spring break next March.
My heart sank when I heard her voice…
As if these kids haven’t been through enough disappointment and heartache, this is yet another major letdown in their lives.
I’m not discounting the fact that it’s necessary. I’m not discounting the fact that lives are at stake and everyone has to do their part to limit the transfer of COVID. And, I’m certainly not discounting the fact that it’s a small and necessary price to pay in the scheme of things.
But, it’s still awfully hard for our kids.
So many kids have missed out on major milestones and once-in-a-lifetime events including graduation, end-of-year school activities, prom, memorable time with friends, and summer vacations. And, now spring break.
And, every disruption and cancellation in their lives brings with it a new wave of heartache, disappointment and frustration. What our kids are feeling right now is far from trivial.
As I sat on the other end of the phone feeling helpless, knowing full well how hard this hit my daughter, I found myself comforting her – not in the usual, “everything will be okay” manner – but, with a new sense of deep compassion, honesty and realism.
The fact is, this isn’t going away any time soon. Our kids’ lives will be impacted throughout the rest of the year and likely well into next year.
And, as much as we want to wrap our arms around them and tell them “this will all blow over in a few days” or “don’t let it get you down, tomorrow things will be better,” we know, as difficult as it to accept, it won’t.
We need to buckle down and help our kids accept and adapt to these harsh realities with a new level of hardiness and, hopefully, help them find a way to emerge better, stronger, more resilient, and more grateful in the end.
As we spoke on the phone, here are the nine things I told my daughter – things any parent can say to their teen when they’re faced with COVID-19 disappointment.
9 Things To Say to Your Teen When They’re Facing COVID-19 Disappointments
I Know This is Hard for You
So often, our kids aren’t looking to us to “fix” things. They just need a listening ear, time to vent and get it off their chest, and for us to support and validate their feelings. They need to know that we feel their pain and heartache and that we understand the huge sense of loss they’re feeling.
“I know this is hard for you. I know you’re struggling. I know this doesn’t seem fair. But I also know you’re old enough to see the big picture, that you’re strong and that you will get through this. Just remember, I’m here for you.”
Take a Deep Breath
When major disappointments strike, I often tell my kids to “take a big, deep breath.” In the wake of any bad news or disappointment, they may not realize it, but their emotions are in high-gear and they need time to pause, take it all in and just feel their feelings.
Whether they disappear into their bedroom for a few hours or dive into a temporary escape while they watch a movie, play video games or listen to music, they just need a moment to themselves to process the information.
It’s Okay to Grieve
We have to recognize that mixed with all our kids’ feelings of disappointment, frustration and powerlessness is also grief. We also have to come to terms with the fact that the grief they’re feeling isn’t a problem to be solved, but rather a deep feeling and emotion that needs time to heal.
“I can only imagine how hard this is for you. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve. I wish I could say this will get better tomorrow, but this sense of loss you’re feeling will only heal with time. In the meantime, don’t be too hard on yourself. Be good to yourself and know you’re not alone – everyone is grieving in their own way.”
This Can Make You Bitter or Better. Choose Better.
With everything that happens to our kids in life, they have a choice. They can either wallow in their self-pity and allow themselves to become bitter or they can make the conscious decision to become better despite the challenges they’re facing. The bottom line is, sometimes life is just hard. We need to encourage the mindset with our kids that even when they can’t control a situation, they can always control how they react to it.
“You, and only you, hold the power to choose. This experience in your life can make you bitter and angry or you can emerge on the other side stronger and better equipped to handle the trials and tribulations of life. Only you hold the power to make that decision”
This is a Time to Focus on Others
When our kids’ lives have been turned upside down, it’s all too easy for them to hyper-focus on themselves – what they’ve lost, missed opportunities, milestones and major events, and missed precious time with friends. Giving themselves the freedom to feel is healthy and normal. What’s not healthy is for their disappointment to consume them.
According to studies, helping others lowers fear and stress levels, and boosts overall wellbeing, which is exactly what our kids need at this time.
“So many other people feel the same way you do. Try reaching out to them or volunteering in some capacity. I think you’ll find that once you begin to talk more with others, connect with others and help them, you’ll start to realize that you’re aren’t alone and you’ll begin to feel better just knowing that you’re helping others through this challenging time.”
It’s Time for a Little Creativity
Recently, my daughter and a few of her friends all hopped in their cars in the evening, met in an open field not far from our house and stargazed for hours. They brought snacks and drinks, cranked up the music and wrapped themselves in blankets while they gazed at the night sky and talked. She said it was one of the best times she’s had with her friends.
“As hard as this time is for you, life truly is what you make it. Make lemons out of lemonade. Round up your friends and get creative, think outside the box and get a little silly. Seek out things, (no matter how small), that bring a smile to your face, that make you laugh or bring you a sense of peace. You owe it to yourself to be good to YOU right now.”
Take a Minute to Be Grateful
Experts agree that the key to navigating major disappointment associated with COVID is to take a moment simply to be grateful for all the good in your life. If we can encourage our kids to use gratitude as a tool and focus on the positives, we can give their happiness a little boost and help them train their brains to see the good, even amid so much bad.
“I know this is hard. I know you’re disappointed and frustrated. I know you want this all to go away so you can get back to your normal life. But, remember, there is always, always something to be grateful for.”
Stay Hopeful About the Future
In our kids’ eyes, it feels like forever since the world came to a screeching halt last March. In reality, it’s a blink in their lifetime. Rather than agonizing over where they are in life, we need to give them gentle nudges to focus on the future.
“This will go away. You will get past this. And, soon enough, your life will go back to normal. Until then, don’t put your life on hold. Do something you’ve been wanting to do. Learn something you’ve been wanting to learn. Take advantage of this downtime. Push forward in your life so when this is over, you’ll look back and be proud – not only that you made it through the storm, but that you found a way to rise above the challenge and become better.”
I’m Proud of You and I Love You
Of all the things to say to your teen when they’re facing COVID-19 disappointments, “I’m proud of how you’re handling this and I love you” tops the list. They need to hear us say it. They need to know we believe in their ability, their strength and their resilience. Even if they offer up a “Mom… I know you love me, sheesh,” those words hold tremendous power to fortify our kids’ strength.
Our kids can’t change things that are outside of their control. However, they are able to control how they respond to it. I often tell my kids, be the example. When you see your friends or others suffering, feeling isolated or getting down or depressed, help them see the good, help them feel better.
Our kids also need to cut themselves a little slack. If they can be good to themselves and remember that they’re not alone – the whole world is battling this storm with them – they can move forward, get beyond the uncertainty of these times and come out better and stronger than ever before.
What are your thoughts? What are some things to say to your teen when they’re facing COVID-19 disappointments? Comment below!