This post: 6 questions to ask yourself before getting into an argument with your teen
As a mom of three, I’d be fibbing if I didn’t admit that there have been more than a few arguments in my home. Nothing earth-shattering, just “battles of the wills” with my kids that tested not only my patience but also my ability to respond to their behavior like an adult.
Looking back at some of those earlier battles when my kids were teetering between the tween years and the teen years (that’s when they tested my husband and me the most), I realized I could have handled them better.
There were a handful of times I reacted too harshly, too quickly, and too condescendingly. Other times, I dug my parental heels in the ground with a vengeance and shut the conversation down without regard to my kids’ feelings, which only fueled the conflict.
Let’s just say, I learned fairly quickly that having an unwavering parenting approach wasn’t the best path to take (especially with teenagers) and it certainly wasn’t helping my relationship with my kids.
Let’s face it, there are bound to be times when we have disagreements with our kids – disagreements that have the potential to blow up into heated arguments.
As parents, we can’t beat ourselves up for having those occasional arguments. But what we can do is learn to better communicate with our kids, be the role model they need and work together with our kids to find respectful, peaceful solutions when those disagreements do arise.
Rather than allowing myself to get sucked into an argument with my kids, I’ve learned to pause, take a deep breath and ask myself a few important questions – questions that inevitably helped to strengthen my relationship with my kids, soften the blows of their teenage years, make me a better parent and, most importantly, avoid arguments altogether.
If you’re weary from exhausting arguments or “battles of wills,” here are 6 questions to ask yourself before getting into an argument with your teen.
6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting into an Argument with Your Teen
#1 Have I Given My Child a Chance to Explain Their Point of View?
Even if we think they’re dead wrong. Even if they’re asking to do something (or go somewhere) we wouldn’t let them do over our dead body. Even if we’ve already made up our mind before a word is ever spoken. Our kids need us to give them the floor. Rather than cutting them off and shutting down the conversation, (that’s when the battle will really get heated), allow them to elaborate and present their point of view – calmly and respectfully, of course. You may be surprised to hear your teen present a point of view you may not have considered.
(Tip: Steer clear of getting into a heated discussion with your child via text. It’s easy to detach yourself from the situation when you’re looking at a screen and say things you shouldn’t. Plus, since you can’t read each other’s facial expressions or body language through texts, it’s far too easy for words to be misconstrued. Instead, choose a time and place that’s free of distractions to sit down and talk face-to-face.)
#2 Is This Really That Big of a Deal?
Maybe your daughter wants to dye her hair pink. Maybe it’s 44 degrees outside and your son refuses to wear a coat to school. Regardless of the debate, ask yourself, “Is this really that big of a deal? Will it matter in a year?”
There are some arguments that simply aren’t worth having and some battles that aren’t worth fighting, even if we win – especially if they’re not that important in the long run. The bottom line is, sometimes we need to let our kids win a few… for us, for them and for our relationship.
#3 Am I Trying Too Hard to Be Right or Do the Right Thing?
When our kids become teenagers their desire for more autonomy kicks in – and, that’s typically when the battles begin. While they’re fighting for more freedom and we’re still clinging to our parental control, it’s easy to get lost in a tug of war and lose sight of what you were arguing about in the first place.
Rather than fighting to be right, consider whether you’re doing the right thing for your child and your relationship. Remember, conflict is always resolved best when both of you win. Always look for compromise and work together to find a solution that works for both of you. With my kids, I found that if I gave a little they were more inclined to give a little and we both walked away from the discussion (at least somewhat) happy.
#4 Can We Revisit This Issue at a Later Time (or a Different Place) and Get a Better Outcome?
If you gave it some serious thought, chances are you’d find that most of the arguments between you and your teen likely occurred when one or both of you were tired, hungry, distracted or simply in a crummy mood.
Before you venture down an argumentative path with your child, consider your teen’s (and your) state of mind. Ask yourself, “Is this really the best time to talk about this?” It might be better to “table” the discussion and revisit it at a later time when you can both talk about the topic calmly and respectfully.
(Tip: When my kids and I need to talk about a subject that I know has the potential to trigger heated debate, I take them out to lunch, go for a drive or get them out in the fresh air. Sometimes, a more soothing, relaxing environment can keep the conversation on an even keel.)
#5 Will This Impact My Child’s Safety, Well-Being or Future?
Of all the questions to ask yourself before getting into an argument with your teen, this one might top the list for most parents. There are times we just can’t cave. No matter what our kid’s perspective is, no matter how much we wish we could compromise, no matter how much we aim to preserve our relationship with our kids, we have to stand our ground and make an unpopular decision. It simply comes with the territory.
Still, there are things we can say to soften the blow of our “no” answer. We can express our feelings calmly, let them know our reasoning, and (at least try to) help them to see our perspective.
(Tip: If we can show our kids that we have the ability to loosen our grip, compromise, and give in a bit here and there, they’ll be far more inclined to listen to us and respect our decision in areas where there isn’t any room for compromise.
#6 Is it Possible We Need to “Agree to Disagree?”
Sometimes, there isn’t a right or wrong answer. Sometimes, an argument can’t be won. Sometimes, we need to accept (and respect) the fact that we simply have differing views.
If we can learn to truly accept our inevitable dissimilarities with our kids, come to terms with the fact that we will have disagreements and take them in stride, it can help us avoid conflict, preserve and protect the harmony of our relationship and help fortify a respectful, honest and loving relationship with our kids.
If we viewed disagreements with our kids as teaching moments, maybe we wouldn’t get so defensive or riled. Learning how to disagree respectfully and productively is a skill our kids won’t learn without our help. Rather than arguing or getting into heated battles, we need to be a healthy role model and help them learn not only how to be better understood, but to better understand.
If you enjoyed this post, here are a few others you might enjoy reading:
6 Battles We Need to Let Our Kids Win
10 Ultimate Truths About Parenting Teen Boys
