This Post: 6 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Their Kid Starts Middle School
Not long ago, I got together with a bunch of moms I’ve known for years. While we were chatting and catching up (because it’s not like we get together that often), we somehow stumbled on the subject of our kids’ middle school years.
Since most of our kids are now in high school or college, we’d all been through the middle school years with our kids and… it’s safe to say, every single one of us was relieved those years were OVER.
If you have kids who got through middle school unscathed, consider them and yourself fortunate, because the vast majority of parents I know look back on those years with their kids and literally cringe.
Looking back, I wish I’d known then what I know now… it would have made those years so much easier and manageable for my kids and for me.
If you have a child entering middle school this year, rather than have you be blindsided (like most parents are), here are a few things you’ll want to know to make those years a bit easier for your child AND you.
6 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Their Child Starts Middle School
#1 Your Child’s Confidence Will Likely Dip
Your once confident, outgoing, ready-to-try-anything child might take a few steps back and become quieter, more unsure of himself/herself, or less enthusiastic about putting themselves out there and trying new things.
Claire Shipman, Katty Kay, and JillEllyn Riley, authors of The Confidence Code for Girls, found that girls’ confidence levels drop by as much as 30% between the ages of 8 and 14. The main culprits of the drop in confidence result from getting caught up in the comparison trap (both in school among their peers and on social media), overthinking, and the burning desire to fit in. But it’s not just girls who can experience a drop in confidence – boys can, too, although it impacts girls to a greater degree.
Tips for Parents:
This can be heartbreaking to watch. We want nothing more than to see our child return to their confident, carefree selves. But take comfort in knowing, parents, that this struggle, while hard, is temporary. Your kids may fumble and fall a bit and struggle to figure out who they are, who they want to become, and where they fit in, but they eventually do.
To keep their confidence high, encourage them to be involved in activities that boost their confidence – sports, a club, a hobby, or volunteering, for example. Also, offer your child plenty of patience, an always-willing-to-listen ear, love, and maybe some chocolate chip cookies hot out of the oven when they walk in the door.
#2. Friendships Shift in Middle School
Your daughter’s bestie in elementary school may suddenly pull away to hang with a new friend. Your son’s friend group might dissipate as the boys shift to find new friend groups. The fact is, it can be hard for our kids, but it’s all so very normal.
In one study, Dr. Janna Jovonen, a UCLA psychologist, followed 6,000 students from 26 schools and found that most friendships shift during middle school. In fact, more than two-thirds of friendships shift during the first year of middle school.
The shift in friendships occurs as kids start to explore their identity and seek out new friends who align with their changing sense of self and interests. A girl may suddenly be more interested in hanging with “the popular girls” or a boy may gravitate to other boys who play Lacrosse like he does.
Tips for Parents:
Just knowing that this is likely to happen can make the blow so much easier on your kids. Talk to them. Let them know that they may experience a shift in friendships, that it’s normal and not a reflection on them if their friends move on. Also, make sure they know it’s okay if they feel they’ve outgrown a friend and want to seek out new friendships.
#3 Social Pressure, Conflict & Drama Peak
Oh… the drama in middle school. It’s enough to make your head spin! Gossip, cliques, peer pressure, fitting in, bullying, cyberbullying, friend conflict, social hierarchies – they’re all heightened at the exact same time – middle school.
Where everyone in elementary got along, (for the most part, anyway), middle school is a whole new ballgame. And, all that constant upset and distraction in your child’s life can take a serious toll on them. It’s truly exhausting for them.
Tips for Parents:
Just know it’s coming. Strive to keep your child’s home life as calm and stress-free as possible so they look forward to coming home after a long and exhausting day of being “on” at school. Be their sounding board when they want to talk, vent, or even cry (this will happen more than you ever imagined). Be sure, too, to empower and equip your teen with the tools to handle mean kids, peer pressure, and friend drama. Help them navigate those tough situations by role-playing what to say if “X” happens. (It worked beautifully with my kids!)
And, if you notice major changes in your teen or they’re dealing with bullying of any kind, reach out to school administrators immediately. The good news is, as kids mature, the conflict and drama settle in high school.
#4 Peer Pressure Kicks In
Your son or daughter will likely be exposed to alcohol, vaping, and drugs during their middle school years. They may start to date and feel the pressure to make out or even have sex. They may suddenly start dressing differently such as wearing clothes other girls or guys are wearing or striving to fit in by wanting to buy expensive name-brand clothes that other kids wear.
Tips for Parents:
Being involved in your child’s day-to-day life is crucial in their middle school years. Make sure they know they can come to you about anything at any time, day or night. Have a “call me no matter what” policy in your home so your teen is never “afraid” to call you if they had a few sips of alcohol or beer or they’re in a tight spot.
Also, have those hard conversations NOW – about sex, drinking, drugs, vaping, pornography, and anything and everything else. Yes, they might be tough conversations to have, but statistics show kids who have open relationships with their parents are less likely to get involved in risky behavior.
#5 Enter Swinging Hormones, Body Odor & Acne
Swinging hormones that leave you guessing who your child is, body odor that knocks you over flat and SO many conversations about pimples, acne, and which zit cream works best… these things will FILL your days when your kids are in middle school. These and other major physical and emotional changes will peak in your teen’s middle school years.
Tips for Parents:
Just remember, this is all so new for your teen, not just you, so they’re going to struggle with it all. Your teen may burst into tears when they get their first pimple the size of Mount Everest, they might stink up the whole car with their BO when you pick them up from practice and they might slam their bedroom a few times a week (for what seems like no reason).
Just try to take it ALL in stride, parents! This chaotic stage of your kid’s development doesn’t last forever… things do settle down eventually. Just know it’s coming and take lots of deep breaths. Also, keep things lighthearted! (You need a sense of humor when your kids are in middle school.) Tell stories about your middle school years and make sure they know everything they’re going through is NORMAL.
#6 Academic Pressure Starts to Rise
Sadly, it moves in on our kids and us like a freight train. Suddenly, teachers, counselors, and the middle school principal start talking about college, your kid’s GPA, and the importance of “picking the right classes.” REALLY?
One year ago they had recess and now there’s talk of college? But, brace yourself… it happens and it might just stress your kid and you out unnecessarily.
Tips for Parents:
College is a long way off, parents. Don’t allow yourself or your child to get wrapped up in the hype of preparing for it. Sure, you might want to think about it more when your child nears the end of middle school, but until then, don’t allow society or your child’s school to pile on the pressure. You don’t want your teen getting burned out. Let them enjoy this time as a kid making memories with friends. The pressure of college prep will be here soon enough.
Final Thoughts
Chances are your son or daughter will experience a few minor bumps and bruises on their middle school journey – nearly every kid does.
But the more involved and supportive you are, the easier it will be for your child. According to one study, kids with parents who were supportive and communicative and helped them navigate the rough waters of relationships, drama, peer pressure, etc, were found to be more stable and socially competent to handle it.
So, be the rock your child needs in their life in middle school. Support them, listen, validate their concerns and worries, and love the absolute heck out of them… they’ll thank you later for being there for them during one of their childhood’s toughest transitions and milestones.
If you enjoyed reading, “6 Things Every Parent Needs to Know Before Their Kid Starts Middle School,” here are a few other posts you might enjoy!
It’s Time to Step Back: 3 Ways to Foster Your Middle Schooler’s Independence
Those Middle School Years Might Be Awkward, But Here’s What They’re Teaching Our Kids