This Post: 50 Things I Thought I’d Never Say… Until I Became a Parent of Teenagers
Written By: Marybeth Bock
We all know our lives completely change when we become parents. We find ourselves doing and saying things we never, ever imagined we’d say or do before we were responsible for the well-being of a tiny human.
For instance, I never thought I’d have a detailed conversation about the contents of my baby’s diaper. Or deliriously dream about a morning when I could sleep past 5 am. And, I never would have believed that I’d read a bedtime story eight times in a row, using four distinctive character voices, to get my child to fall asleep.
Fast forward to my kids’ teen years, and I NEVER thought I’d be shelling out a boatload of money to travel to another state to sit on a hard, metal bleacher for an entire weekend, or that I’d have to refer to the Urban Dictionary just to figure out my teens’ newest slang, OR that I’d be spending hundreds of dollars a year because my kids keep dropping their cellphone on the concrete or in the toilet.
50 Things I Thought I’d Never Say… Until I Became a Parent of Teenagers
Our teens have a way of bringing out sides of us we never existed… the funny side, the I’m gonna blow my ever-lovin’ mind side, the tender side, and every “side” in between! In fact, things that pop out of our mouths can range from hilarious to truly bizarre. (And sometimes startle us with just how vastly different life is today, versus when we were teens. It wasn’t that long ago, was it!?
So, here are 50 funny, weird, and unexpected things parents of teens never thought they’d say. Enjoy this list that walks the fine line between “Did I really just say that?” and “How is this my life now?” (Let us know what you’d add, parents!)
1. “Seriously? You’re rolling your eyes while eating food I paid for and cooked for you?”
2. “No, you can’t DoorDash cookies at midnight.”
3. “No, I’m not buying athletic shoes that cost more than my wedding dress.”
4. “Where are all my spoons? And forks? And bowls?”
5. “Sorry, you can’t just not go to school. That’s not how this works.”
6. “Yes, deodorant is a daily thing. Get used to it.”
7. “This is not a hotel, and I’m not room service. This is not a restaurant, and I’m not the chef.”
8. “Why does it smell like a locker room and Cheetos in here?”
9. “You’re not grounded. Come out of your room and be part of the family for 30 minutes.”
10. “You’re gonna thank me one day… just not today.”
11. “I’m not trying to be annoying. I’m trying to be your parent. There’s a difference.”
12. “Who eats 13 Hot Pockets in one sitting?”
13. “Yeah, sorry, you’re not going to the concert with someone you met on Discord last week.”
14. “Can you PLEASE stop making grilled cheese sandwiches at midnight? The smoke alarm and everyone else can’t take it anymore.”
15. “If you sigh one more time at me, I might have to start charging you for air.”
16. “You were in the shower so long, I was about to send out a search party.”
17. “Just because you saw something on TikTok or Reddit doesn’t make it a fact.”
18. “You can’t be starving… You ate an entire pizza an hour ago.”
19. “Is that a crop top, or are you wearing a dinner napkin?”
20. “I don’t care if that hair is in style. I haven’t seen your eyes in weeks. You look like a llama.”
21. “Why am I staring at you? Because I made you and you’re six inches taller than me and you have a mustache.”
22. “You’ll understand one day, probably when you have a teenager just like you.”
23. “Why are there seven half-empty water bottles in your room? Is there a recycling plant under your bed?”
24. “We’re having an actual conversation. That means eyes up, phone down, earbuds out.”
25. “No, we’re not adopting a sloth or a goat because they look so cute on TikTok.”
26. “I just bought $300 worth of groceries. Try not to eat it all in two days.”
27. “If you say ‘that’s cringe’ one more time, I’ll let you smell some of the clothes on your bedroom floor. Those actually are cringe!”
28. “You can’t call in sick to school because Mercury is in retrograde.”
29. “We are NOT naming the puppy after your favorite YouTuber.”
30. “Don’t ‘bruh,’ me. I birthed you.”
31. “I’m not yelling – I’m passionately asking you to clean your bedroom for THE 27th TIME!”
32. “How is it you can’t remember to take the garbage out, but you know every single cheat code in Minecraft?”
33. “No, we’re not ‘gaslighting’ you. You just need to take out the trash.”
34. “How can you be tired? You slept 14 hours last night and just woke up from a 3-hour nap?”
35. “I’m not your Uber driver… oh wait, yes I am, and my payment is you unloading the dishwasher.”
36. “If you’re going to sneak snacks upstairs, at least throw away the wrappers. Your room looks like a bunch of raccoons had a party.”
37. “Did you seriously just text me… from the bathroom?”
38. “If you want a nose ring, you have to at least keep your room clean. That’s the deal.”
39. “Sorry, iced coffee and Cheetos are not part of the main food groups. Go eat something green.”
40. “Don’t put me on speaker. I don’t think you want your friends hearing the ‘mom psycho’ side of me.”
41. “I know I’m old, but I’m not the boomeriest boomer of the mega boomers old.”
42. “If I see one more of your dirty socks on the ceiling fan, I’m gonna start charging you rent.”
43. “Stop diagnosing yourself with everything you see on TikTok. You’re not a ‘chronically anxious introvert with a lavender aura.’ You’re just fifteen.”
44. “I don’t speak mumble… you’ll have to try that again.”
45. “It’s 98 degrees outside. Is there a reason you’re wearing a hoodie? Are you part iguana?”
46. “You realize your hoodie smells like sadness and Axe body spray, right?”
47. “I brought you into this world, and I can take the Wi-Fi out of it.”
48. “Nope, this family is not a democracy. It’s a semi-benevolent dictatorship.”
49. “Stop hissing at your sister…you’re not a feral cat.”
50. “I never thought I’d say this, but can we please just go back to the time when your temper tantrums stressed me out?”
Raising teenagers is a strange and wonderful mix of chaos, nostalgia, and trying not to lose your mind.
You’ll say things you never imagined, laugh until you cry, and sometimes cry until you laugh. But if you’ve said five or more of these things to your teens this week? Congratulations. You’re deep in the teen-parent trenches – and you’re doing just fine.
About Marybeth Bock
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing, as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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