This Post: Why Do Teens Ghost Each Other and How to Handle It if Your Teen’s Been Ghosted
Written By: Marybeth Bock
It’s confusing and hurtful…
One minute your teen is dating someone or they have a friend they’ve known for a while and the next that person is off the grid. They don’t respond to your teen’s texts or phone calls and they avoid them at all costs.
Chances are your son or daughter has already experienced being “ghosted” by someone, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship. If they haven’t, stay tuned… it’s likely to happen at some point since it seems like ghosting is a widespread practice among teenagers today.
Why Do Teens Ghost Each Other and How to Handle It if Your Teen’s Been Ghosted
Why do so many teenagers take the route of ghosting to end a relationship, and how can we best emotionally support our kids when it happens to them?
If you’re unfamiliar with the saying, “ghosting” is a term used to describe abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation. Although the term most often refers to romantic relationships, it can also describe hasty exits from friendships.
According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist and relationship expert, ghosting someone can be a non-verbal way of saying these things:
“This relationship isn’t working for me.”
“I don’t like you as much as you like me.”
“I’m tired of you not changing after I’ve been clear about what I want or need.”
“You make me feel uncomfortable.”
“I’ve said no, and you won’t listen.”
“It’s me, not you.”
So, for teens (or anyone for that matter), ghosting is a common way to end a relationship when conversations are just too complex to handle. And, we ALL know teenagers don’t (yet) have the emotional maturity or the relationship experience and wisdom to talk through their complicated feelings.
Why else is ghosting so prevalent among teenagers?
Here are other reasons why teenagers might ghost someone.
1. For starters… it’s an easy way out. According to Jennifer Chaiken, LMFT, co-owner of The Therapy Group, “People favor ghosting because it shields them from the stress, awkwardness and discomfort of having a difficult conversation.”
For young teens who haven’t become adept at communicating or how to navigate more complex relationships, it’s merely a form of avoidance that’s far easier than voicing their feelings to someone face-to-face.
2. They think it’s the “norm.” Everyone else is doing it so it must be okay if I do it, too!” A lot of teens don’t intentionally aim to hurt someone by ghosting them. They think it’s a common and accepted approach so they simply follow the crowd. They may not realize how hurtful it can be on the receiving end of the relationship.
3. They think they’re inflicting less pain by ghosting someone rather than being honest about their feelings. In essence, they feel they’re doing the other person a favor rather than saying something like, “Listen, I just don’t care for you the way I used to.” Or “I don’t want to be exclusive anymore… I want to date other people.” Or “I thought I wanted to date you, but I’ve realized I’m just not ready for a serious relationship.” What they don’t realize is that their “quick exit” without explanation leaves the other person wondering why which is extremely painful in itself.
4. They’re worried about the other person’s reaction. “If I tell my boyfriend/girlfriend the truth about why I want to break up, is he/she going to freak out? Yell? Cry?” A lot of teens (especially young teens) aren’t mature enough to handle those big reactions so it’s easier to avoid them altogether by exiting the relationship without warning.
5. They’re young and still learning the ropes of relationships. We really have to cut teens a little slack. They simply don’t know how to break up or walk away from a friendship respectfully and honestly, thus, mistakes are bound to happen. They’re figuring out how to have relationships and date in a digital world and although it might be okay to cut a few corners here and there, it’s never okay to blatantly hurt someone – something teenagers (and even young adults) need to be taught.
What your teen is likely to feel if they get ghosted:
Confusion. More than likely, they won’t understand why the other person suddenly stopped communicating with them. They may spend a lot of time overthinking the situation trying to figure out what they did wrong and needing some sense of closure.
Rejection. Ghosting can feel like a personal rejection and the result can be feelings of hurt and sadness.
Anger. Of course, it’s natural for teens to feel angry with the person who’s ghosted them. They feel disrespected and ignored.
Anxiety. It’s a lot to handle for a teenager. They may put up a front and act like it’s “all okay,” but deep down inside they might be feeling extremely anxious. “What do I do if see them in the hall at school?” “How should I act?” “Do I approach them and ask them why?”
What your teen is likely to feel if they’re the one who ghosted someone:
Relief. For a teen looking for a way out of a relationship (friendship or romantic), they’re likely to feel a sense of relief knowing they don’t have to deal with the fallout of facing the situation head-on.
Anxiety. Some teens might worry about how the other person will react when they come to terms with the fact that they’ve been ghosted.
Guilt. Deep down inside most teens know that ghosting is wrong and hurtful to others. As such, when they ghost someone, guilt might set in knowing they’re responsible for causing pain in someone’s life.
What can you do to support your teenager if they get ghosted?
1. Talk About It
According to research, putting sentiments into words can help reduce the intensity of our teen’s feelings of loss, anger, and sadness. Make sure your teen knows you’re there to listen. If they feel uncomfortable talking to you, encourage them to talk with close friends. Journaling their feelings can also be extremely helpful in expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings.
2. Choose Empathy First
It sure would be easy to blow a gasket, cause a scene the next time they see their “ghoster,” or retaliate in some way, but it’s better to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Maybe the other person is going through something difficult. Maybe their intentions are good and they’re trying to avoid hurting your teen. Or, maybe they just aren’t mature enough to handle the situation properly.
3. Discourage Your Teen From Overthinking It
There are a hundred reasons why someone may have ghosted your teen – many of which have absolutely nothing to do with your teen, their worthiness, or their ability to be a good friend or a good boyfriend or girlfriend. Encourage them to let it go and move on. Above all, don’t allow your teen to lay this heavy burden on their shoulders constantly overthinking the why, blaming themselves, or hyper-focusing on how to handle it. The sooner your teen realizes that they can only control THEIR behavior, not the behavior of others, the happier they’ll be.
4. Encourage Self-Care, Close Friends and Fun Activities
It can be a BIG blow to a teen who’s been ghosted. Rather than dwelling on it (of course, it’s normal to feel hurt and angry for a while), encourage your teen to get back in the groove of things. Good friends who are supportive (and funny) can help put things into perspective. Fun activities can take their mind off of it and remind them that there’s a big world out there with LOTS of wonderful people in it. And, taking care of themselves – eating well, getting outdoors, and perhaps even taking a break from social media – can help them get through this difficult and confusing time.
About Marybeth Bock
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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