To My Teenage Son, You Can Shut Me Out But I Know You Still Need Me

To my teenage son, I know you still need me.

Like clockwork, when my son turned 13, the teenager in him began to take over. Aside from the normal changes I was expecting, like hearing his voice crack when it started to change, noticing a few hairs on his legs and seeing a few pimples on his otherwise baby-face complexion, there were a few things happening that I wasn’t prepared for.

His once chatty self suddenly became far quieter. When he walked in the door after school he no longer told me about his day. He didn’t complain about how much homework he had and he didn’t rant about how annoying his literature teacher was when she started singing to the class. Muttering a few barely audible words, he would retreat to his bedroom with a plateful of Oreos and a glass of milk and stay there until it was absolutely necessary for him to reconnect with the living.

Family time changed, too. My once enthusiastic son who used to look forward to spending time with the family now seemed to dread it.

“Do I have to go?”

“Can’t I just stay home?”

“I’ll go next time… I’m not in the mood.”

I was heartbroken. I missed our time together, our chats, the laughs we shared and the physical touch that seemed off-limits now that he was a teenager.

I was given a brief daily dose of his presence – which I’d cling to with a vice grip – only to be left standing there feeling empty and yearning for more.

After a couple of months of my son calling the shots on when, where and how often we talked and having to deal with days where he said as few words to me as humanly possible, I had a revelation…

Maybe my boy needed me just as much as I needed him.

Maybe he just didn’t know how to show it.

Maybe he thought that because he’s a teenager he’s not supposed to need me as much or that it’s not cool.

Maybe he was unsure of his unpredictable emotions, fearful I’d interrogate him or worried I wouldn’t understand what he’s going through. Regardless of the reason, deep in my heart, I knew his silence wasn’t about me. More importantly, I knew my boy needed me just as much as I needed him.

The fact is, the minute our boys begin shutting their bedroom door and sometimes shutting us out of their world, we get confused, angry and frustrated at first, but eventually, we accept it as normal teen behavior – a byproduct of puberty – and we abide by their new rules of engagement.

But, we shouldn’t.

Just because (most) teenage boys retreat and become quieter around us doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to talk to us. It means we need to try a little harder. It means we need to become more selective regarding when we talk to them and how we talk to them. No matter how old they are, they still need us.

After more than a few attempts (and fails) to reconnect with my son, I found a few things that actually worked. If you’re struggling to get your boy to talk and connect with you, give a few of these tips a try.

Squeeze in Short Chats a Few Times a Day

We’ve all heard the saying “quality over quantity” a million times when it comes to spending time with our kids. But this holds especially true for teen boys (and, teen girls, actually) who seem hell-bent on shutting us out of their world. Rather than aiming for long engaging chats, grab a few moments anytime, anywhere, for any length of time. Focus less on the length of time and more on using the time you do have to build and strengthen your relationship with your son.

Timing is Everything

When your boy has had a long day, is stressed out, heading out the door for practice or getting ready to hang out with friends, don’t expect to get his attention. Let him unwind, destress, hang out with friends or retreat to his bedroom. By respecting him and giving him the space he needs when he needs it, he’ll be far more inclined to talk later when he’s not rushed or stressed.

Lighten Up

When time with your teenage son is brief, it’s easy to spend the time you do have nagging him with reminders, instructions, and to-do lists. Rather than pounding him with information or questions that hold little power to fortify your relationship, grab a pad of paper, make a list of everything you need your son to know (or do) and put it in his bedroom where he can find it.

That way the only question you need to ask your son is “Did you see the note I left in your bedroom?” The rest of your precious time together can be spent talking about what’s happening in his life, what matters to him or the latest news stories (a great launchpad for conversation).

Listen Far More Than You Talk

The one thing I’ve learned about teenagers is that the more we talk, the less they listen. Our “chattiness” becomes white noise to them. They zone us out and any message we’re trying to convey gets lost somewhere between our mouth and their brain. So, stop talking so much. The more invasive you are, chances are the more evasive your boy will become. Skip the interrogation and instead spark a conversation with a question and then sit back and listen. Prod your son with a few questions or responses here and there, but let him lead the conversation. With teens, intermittent silence isn’t a bad thing.

Find a Common Ground

When my son was learning how to drive, I often shared “bad driver” stories with him. I’d tell him about how a driver pulled out in front of me or how a driver slammed on the brakes for no reason. I was surprised to find that oftentimes he’d chime right in and tell me about an incident that happened to him, too. What made our conversation easy was that we found common ground. Whether it’s the newest apps that could benefit you both, a new restaurant that makes the best nachos in town (a food you and your teenage son both love) or talking about where your next vacation spot should be, get the conversation rolling by talking about things that interest you both.

Steer Clear of Eye Contact

Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my teenage son have been in the car when we’re both staring at the road or when I’m saying goodnight to him in his room when the light is turned off. I find when I’m not staring him down (and when he’s relaxed and calm) the floodgates open. I’m not saying you should avoid eye contact altogether, but avoid it in the beginning and let him make the first move. Casual, easygoing conversations, without the glares, stares or “mom looks” will make your boy feel more at ease and eager to share what’s going on in his brain.

Skip the Lectures Unless Necessary

Most parents (including myself) feel it’s our job to pass along every life lesson known to mankind before our boys leave our tender care. But keep in mind, teen boys despise lectures. Rather than flooding your son with every life lesson, plan time to pass along the important lessons when he’s relaxed and open to listening. Above all, look for cues in your son’s manerisms and behavior. If you see he’s getting annoyed or is itching to escape another one of your long-winded lectures, dial it down a notch or let that one go (for now.)

Don’t Forget the Power of Humor

There is such power in humor. The trick is to find things to talk about that your son finds humorous because God knows what most parents think is funny probably won’t be funny to our boys. Even though your son seems to be going through lightning-fast changes that you can’t keep up with, the little boy in him still lies quietly beneath the surface. Draw from what you know about his sense of humor – even if it seems a bit tacky – and tap into topics that he’ll find funny or lighthearted.

Avoid Distractions

It’s hard to have a decent conversation with anyone, let alone a teenager who’s already easily distracted, when cellphones, the TV, loud music or a barking dog is hovering in the backdrop. You may not be able to avoid every distraction, but aim to keep the noise and distractions to a minimum so you and your son can focus on each other.

“About my teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home every night.”