Written by: Wynn Burkett / Author of “The Power of Mindful Parenting: A Guide to More Connection and Less Conflict with Your Teen
Have you had it with the pandemic? Dealing with the ups and downs of parenting a teenager in ordinary times is hard enough. When you pile on the stress of indefinite sheltering in place, canceled summer plans, uncertainty about school in the fall and social unrest — it’s no wonder our nerves are shot.
When we feel weary and depleted, that’s when we start hyper-focusing on the negative things our teens do.
Mindfulness, (being aware of the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting our feelings), can help us to pause, breathe and purposely practice being less reactive and less negative with our kids.
True, it’s hard to make the effort to be mindful when all we really want to do is curl up in a ball until someone invents a vaccine. But it’s important to acknowledge that when so much in our world is beyond our control, one of the few things we can control is how we respond in the moment to the people around us – particularly our teens.
There’s research that shows that in order to flourish, human beings should experience a ratio of 3-to-1 positive-to-negative experiences in daily life. Barbara Fredrickson, professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, has spent over twenty years studying positivity and found that when we are experiencing this 3:1 positivity ratio, not only do we feel better, we’re more resilient – a key attribute that can help us and our kids get through the months ahead.
Stop for a minute and think about your “ratio” living with a teen in quarantine. Face it, a lot of teen behavior leaves us feeling depleted and dismissed. So what are some things we can do to increase positivity and resilience? Here are some easy-to-use tools you might try.
The power of mindful parenting: 6 tips to help stressed-out parents stay calm and connected to their teen.
This post may contain affiliate links. For more information, please visit our Privacy Page.
Say Thank You
A simple way to start is to say “thank you” to our teens more often. We may not say “thanks” to our kids because we don’t think we need to, yet research shows that when we say “thank you,” the person we thank is more likely to see us as kind and generous, and someone they want to respond to or spend time with.
Saying “thank you” is a simple way to acknowledge effort. It might be for something your teen does, “Thank you for joining us for that family movie – it was fun to have you here,” or for ways they help around the house, “Thank you for getting your chores done before dinner” or “Thank you for feeding the cat,” (even though it’s their job and you had to ask three times). Despite the fact that you had to remind them, you’re still acknowledging their effort and expressing gratitude for a task that got done. Also saying “thanks” helps you feel more appreciative, which supports a connection with your teen.
Catch Them Doing Something Right
Another way to genuinely increase positivity is to catch your child doing things right and to make note of their good qualities and behaviors. We often give positive acknowledgments for things that our kids achieve, i.e., “Congratulations on ending the school year with such good grades” or “That drawing you made is so finely detailed,” but we can also acknowledge them for who they are and the qualities they demonstrate, “I appreciate how nice you were to your little brother when he was upset last night” or “You’re a really loyal friend” or “You tell a really good joke.”
Pointing out what they’re doing right goes a long way toward increasing the 3:1 positivity ratio and building goodwill in the relationship.
Say “YES” With Enthusiasm
The power of mindful parenting can be as easy as saying yes…
Wendy Mogel, author of the book, “The Blessings of a B,” suggests saying “yes” to your teen’s requests with enthusiasm— especially those tasks you’re going to have to do anyway. “Sure, I’d be happy to drive you across town to drop something off at your friend’s house,” or “Would you like me to help with your online math homework?” or “Are you tired of eating the same thing? How about I give you some money to buy lunch out?”
The point is, that certain aspects of parenting simply need to be done whether we like it or not, so rather than doing these things in a begrudging, resentful way, why not choose to have a more cheerful attitude?
Competing Melodies
Anthony Wolf who wrote the insightful and funny book, “I’d Listen to My Parents if They’d Just Shut Up,” also provides some great advice about staying upbeat in the face of teen snarkiness.
Imagine your teenager walks into the kitchen in the morning, takes one look at the spectacular breakfast you’ve cooked, and says, “Ugh, blueberry pancakes. I hate blueberry pancakes.” Rather than telling them how ungrateful they are, your response might be, “Good morning, sunshine! Don’t you love blueberry pancakes? It’s my favorite breakfast. If it were up to me, I’d eat blueberry pancakes for every meal!”
Or maybe you randomly pop your head into your daughter’s bedroom while she’s busy on her computer and say, “I love you, honey.” When she says, “Mom, go away,” you respond with, “I can’t help myself. I still love you!”
Remember when they were little and we were silly with our kids? Now that our kids are teenagers, our interactions aren’t as lighthearted and fun as they used to be. Yet, acting silly is just the thing we need to do to keep our mood upbeat while disarming our teens with some unexpected charm.
Small Physical Gestures
When our kids were little, we were always touching and hugging them and our kids were totally accepting. Now that they’re older, we simply don’t have as much physical contact with them. Many teens don’t want a lot of touching from us and it’s important to respect that. But a quick hug, a gentle hand on their back, or a quick fist bump in passing is an easy way to physically connect with them and show them that we care.
It’s best if you don’t have any expectation that your teen will even pretend to like it. In fact, they may tell you they don’t like it: “Mom, stop it. You don’t have to hug me all the time!” Regardless, keep looking for opportunities to make those quick physical gestures that communicate affection.
Intentional Acts of Kindness
Research from Oxford University has shown that performing one intentional act of kindness a day for seven days increases a person’s level of happiness, compassion and well-being. This is true whether the recipient of the kind act is someone you know and care about or is a complete stranger.
What if you decided to perform one daily act of kindness for a week for your tween or teen? Could you bring him a cold drink in his room? Offer a shoulder massage at the end of the day? Make his favorite dessert — just because? Try this experiment for one week and observe if there’s an impact on your teen—or, equally as important, on you. Notice whether your level of happiness increases by performing these kind acts.
These simple mindfulness practices won’t change the disorienting and disruptive times in which we’re living, but with these small gestures, we can choose to make our homes a little less combative, a little calmer and a little more compassionate.
About Wynn Burkett:
Wynn Burkett, MBA, PCC, is a certified career and executive coach and author of The Power of Mindful Parenting – A Guide to More Connection and Less Conflict with Your Teen. As a coach, she supports high-performing professionals make changes to their work and executives seeking to enhance their impact as leaders. She brings over 18 years of experience coaching individual clients and facilitating groups to increase self-awareness, build communication skills and manage conflict more smoothly. What Wynn loves about teaching mindful parenting is how it supports her own mindfulness practice and reminds her to use these skills and tools with her own kids.
Visit her website: Mindful Parenting of Teens
Purchase Wynn’s book, “The Power of Mindful Parenting – A Guide to More Connection and Less Conflict with Your Teen” HERE!